music, therapy, and me

I am currently taking a continuing education course on a theory that is related to others I have studied over the years. This course is rooted in a different music therapy tradition than my own experience, so it is a good exercise to observe music therapy from a different philosophical perspective. This is something that I am trying to do this year in an effort to deepen my understanding of what music therapy is and what we do as music therapists. I am looking outside my own philosophy to that of others to see what I see - for better or worse. I am finding that much of what we do is exactly the same but we call things different names and may have different ideas about why these things are happening. Now, I'm not talking about the current push in our national organization to focus on social issues or inclusivity or anything like that - I think those discussions are important, but they are a bit removed from client services. I am talking about client services here - how we do what we

I mean, this title isn't a huge revelation for anyone, but I find I have to remind myself of things like this when I am overwhelmed or awash in emotion and all that, so I remind myself. Small things can lead to bigger things. I took an origami project from a student when it was offered to me. It is displayed on my office bulletin board because it will not stick to my cabinets. I also took a snowflake project from another student that will be placed on one of my displays in my room. Taking a project is a small thing. Placing it in a place where it is displayed to all that arrive is a small thing, but the trust and relationship that can be built from these small things is a much larger thing. Those students, who will see my collection of artwork that they are part of, will know that I enjoy having their presence as much as I enjoy seeing their artwork every single day. This type of thought about others is important and seems to be sadly lacking these days. I have been pretty me-focus

This blog post has already started once...been found lacking...and is now being reformed into something less blah. I am exhausted and my sleep patterns are just plain old messed up. I woke up at 12:38 this morning (I checked instead of trying to pretend that I could just go back to sleep) and was able to get back into some light sleep after that time, but I did not seem to go into a deep sleep cycle. I heard some creaking from upstairs, but no yelling, chanting, or demonic exorcism, so I guess it was a good night for them as well. (I contacted a realtor this week to let her know that I would start house hunting in earnest after OCMT.) When my light went off at 3:50am, I was not ready to get out of bed, so I set an alarm on my Kindle and then decided that I was ready to get up before the alarm when off. That was a nice feeling of being ready - it's been missing lately - feeling ready. I missed a mandatory meeting on Wednesday, but no one came to get me for the meeting, so I guess it

Outside my window, it is currently snowing. There isn't much there, but there is snow and some of the rural school districts in our neighboring state have already closed for the day. That's not unusual, but I am waiting to see if the big boys close because if they do, then we will. Around here, school closings have to do with whether buses can navigate the gravel county roads safely, so everything hinges on the bus drivers. When I look at bit more closely at the closings list, I see that most of the rural school districts aren't completely closed - they are just having a delayed opening this morning. That means that we will probably have to head to work. I need a day to be able to be at home when things are open in the financial world, and the only way I can get that sort of day is through an inclement weather day. My sister had an emotional breakdown yesterday. She is overwhelmed by being my mother's sole source of support and being the target of my mother's emotio

I was just informed of a situation where someone is acting like they are a precious gift to the world of music therapy and is bullying others to allow them to take over a process that is well-regarded and practiced in all parts of the music therapy world. I am so tired of bullies. When did it become a professional practice to send emails that demand changes in another person's way of working? When did it become okay to make veiled threats about never engaging in interaction again? When did the voice of a couple of people become more important than the voices of all? I know when I think it really started to be considered "okay," but that is a bit more political than I want to take this blog, so I will refrain from making any more statements about that thought. I do not like bullies. I never have, and I hope that I never bullied anyone else into doing something that they did not want to do. I am sure that I did at one point, and I am deeply mortified and humbled by any sort

Yesterday was another strange day at my home. I was able to handle it with a minimum of emotional excess on my part, but there was some happening. I was able to relax after taking some steps. Let me explain. Yesterday morning, around 1:30am, I was awakened by repetitive, loud stomping on my ceiling. There were angry voices and sounds of crying for about an hour. The upstairs neighbors are unknown to me except that they advertise their podcast on their vehicle, and I was curious, so I have looked them up on the web. I know that they are fundamental Christians who have started a street ministry coalition in the greater Kansas City area. That's all that I know about them. During the early morning incident, the wife went out to their car, threw a bag into the back, went back inside, and then came back out, took the bag out of the car and went back in. She started yelling things like, "I am so tired of how..." and then cried loudly until silence took over. I was torn between w

I want to do so many things that I just can't seem to start or finish. It is somewhat disheartening to constantly have the ideas but not the resources (time being the biggest resource that I want to have and do not use wisely) to do all the things on my list of to-do's. So, I keep writing my ideas down and chip away at all the ideas every once in a while. I would like to have an income that allows me to stay at home and accomplish all these ideas, but I didn't win either of the large lottery amounts this week (I didn't even get a ticket), so I will head back into my full-time and part-time jobs to work for my living and try to scrape some time and interest into getting some of those ideas off the page and into reality. Perhaps I should spend some of my money to buy an occasional lottery ticket. There is just something about dreaming that is only satisfying to a point - after that, you need to put your dreams into a bit of reality. One thing that I have managed to bring

Getting older is no joke. Now, if you aren't of "a certain age," then this post may not make much sense to you now, but it will eventually make a bit of sense when you start to feel that age is a contributing factor in the decisions that you make for yourself and those around you. I have spent the last week in the midst of perimenopausal emotion swings and angst and hysterical sobbing and a complete an utter failure to be able to focus on things outside of myself. My emotions, combined with personal grief, incapacitated me in my role as a therapist. I was not able to engage in therapy and so I spent my session time engaging clients in passive music experiences rather than challenging them in their goal areas. I had to do this due to my own instability and fragility. I took some time away from sessions because I didn't want to cry in front of my clients. I'm not comfortable sharing that part of myself with them. Right or wrong, it was the decision that I made for m

I am feeling pretty good today - lots less of the hysterics that have been happening the past two days and lots more of the rational brain kicking in (so far, at least). I thank you for reading over my posts lately. I know that these emotions are not comfortable for me to have or to share, but the ability to write things down and then put them out in the world is an important part of my process in handling things that I am uncomfortable with - and sharing my feelings is one of those things that I have difficulty doing. Isn't it strange that I have difficulty sharing my own feelings? This is literally what I encourage my clients to do all the time - share how they feel. Yet, when someone asks me, I tend to just cry. That is my emotional communication style. I cry. I always have, and I hate crying in front of other people because I always cry. I try to stuff my emotional response down as far as I can, but I also know that stuffing emotions is not healthy. It's a strange conundrum

Yesterday was a day that broke me. Not because of the inauguration - I am thrilled for our country and our direction at the moment - but because of something that happened 1500 miles away from me at my Mom's house. She had a huge tree fall in a wind storm and fall onto the neighbor's property, taking out a satellite dish and other stuff that hasn't been discovered yet, I am sure. My sister sent me one picture and I lost it. I started into hysterical sobbing and just couldn't fathom being able to lead music therapy sessions while snorting and crying and being completely taken over by my emotions, so I left my intern alone and drove home to sob in private rather than in public. I am still a bit sobby, but I have to go to work - I have no choice. I am hoping that there are no more incidents at Mom's house because I just can't cope with the things that I already have to deal with. My plate is full.  I know that this is part of the grief process. I know this. I know

I am sitting here, trying to make sure that I remember all the things that I need to do for today. I have an appointment with the new accountant for one of my work responsibilities today, and I think I will ask her to be my new accountant for myself as well. I am in need of some recommendations for myself as well as for the business I work for. Ugh. Taxes for this organization are the cause of 95% of my anxiety about this work. I hate it, and I know nothing! Okay. Small anxiety episode starting right now. Breathe and breathe and breathe. Everything will be fine. Fiddle around a bit with the iPod, and anxiety episode somewhat averted... somewhat.  I am trying to remember my schedule for today. To be frank, remembering my schedule has become a herculean task due to all the changes that have occurred since March 2020. I never know what day it is or who I will be seeing, so trying to figure out that schedule in my head before I go to work is something I do to prepare myself. I think I know

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and it is inauguration eve. These are two days that always inspire some reflection in me, and when they coincide, the reflections tend to be deeper than when they happen separately. This year, this reflection seems more important to me than any other time in my life so far. I try not to talk too much about politics on this blog because it is a topic that frustrates me deeply and that often has no influence on how I do the job that I want to do with my clients. I avoid arguments about politics because they are opinion-based rather than fact-based (often), and I believe that every person is entitled to have their own opinions about things (whether they are wrong === sarcasm!).  This year, however, the events that have happened in the political arena have spilled out of the container that I like to keep them in to permeate every part of our collectives lives. There is no hiding away from what has been happening to us all - the Black Lives Matter protes

I didn't blog for an entire week - mainly because grief caught up with me and kept me from doing much of anything. When I woke up on Monday morning, I couldn't face the idea of going to work, so I opted to take my bereavement leave. I spent three days doing things around the house, attempting to help my sister with changing passwords and arranging account information (which I failed at since everything has to be authenticated and I live two hours ahead and do not have access to Dad's cellphone...), and then deciding that it was finally time to put my bedroom into a new configuration. That project is still 77% finished - it has remained in that state since Wednesday when I got tired of it all. All I need to do is to finish the decluttering thing and throw stuff that I no longer want or need completely away! I went back to work on Thursday and Friday and did pretty well. One of my clients stated that his dog died during break, and I almost lost it, but I was able to keep my c

  I am currently in a stage of nostalgia and attempts to distract myself from thinking too much about the past several weeks, so I have been thinking about our technological advances in my lifetime and in my parents' lifetime as well. I was watching a documentary that came up on my YouTube suggestions list (I wonder why this came up for me...I haven't been looking at these types of things before...) that was narrated by Walter Cronkite (famous newsman) all about predictions about life in the year 2001. It was interesting to see what folks thought would be happening in that year, long gone now. Some of the predictions were correct, some didn't happen until later, and others were completely wrong. This interests me - I am a person who thinks about the future of music therapy on a regular basis, so any sort of futuristic predictions are part of that construct. One of my escapes over the past week has been writing a story. I am writing a book about music therapy (sort of) in a

My dad died yesterday in his sleep. This was not unexpected, but it was somewhat fast when I consider that he was calling me from the McDonalds parking lot the Saturday after Thanksgiving and then collapsed two days later and never recovered from that incident. We were praying for an easy transition, and it seems that is what he experienced. We think he died around 1:30am his time, which is when we all woke up for a moment. I laid in bed feeling like going to work was not going to be a feasible idea, my mother felt a release and went back to sleep, and my sister started crying. My brother called me at 4:30am their time to let me know that he had died and that the hospice folks were on their way to assist with things. My sister called me about 30 minutes later and we sat with our video cameras and cried together for a bit. She arranged some substitute activities for her class of second graders and then went over to the house to be there with my mother. It was my mother's birthday. I

My father passed away this morning in his sleep. It's my mother's birthday. For fifty years, I have had the guidance of two wonderful parents who have nurtured me, supported me, and challenged me. Today we mourn the loss of one of those parents while celebrating the birth of the other one.   Here's my favorite picture of my Dad... He just twinkles so much in this picture, and I love how he is looking mischievous. My friend took this picture of the two of us sitting outside looking at the ocean. He got as far as the bench right by the sand and let the two of us go exploring in the water. The beach was not his idea of a good time - he liked the idea that he could go see it whenever he wanted, but he didn't really want to actually go there. He had the same thoughts about the mountains. He liked being able to see them but didn't want to actually go there. He loved being the host and the center of attention, and I will miss our nightly phone calls so very much. I am Zoom

I am stuffing lots of emotions way down deep at the moment. This is the second post that I have written this morning. The first was too steeped in grief and guilt and specific situations happening in my life at the moment to share. It was raw and not something that I want others to glimpse often. I may be able to share some of the thoughts at some point with someone, but I just can't do it now. So, here are the happier things happening. When I arrived at work yesterday, the closet was empty of all the stuff that had been stored in it when it was the student store. The carpets were filthy, but I had expected that - not everyone lives by the adage "leave a place better than you found it" that I learned in Scouting - so I swept the big pieces out and vacuumed the dust bunnies. After that, I moved the cabinets from where they were appropriate for student shopping to places where I could maximize the space in the closet for my music therapy stuff, and my intern and I started m

I did everything that I wanted to do last evening. I got home, spent some time organizing my space and evening, and I did all the things. I finished sing about april - (you could purchase it here , if you want...). I found out that our Monthly Music Therapy Meets have been approved for CMTEs - no revisions!! Boom! I was also asked to develop a course for a different online platform. Eeeee! I was out of my bed until 7:50 and then fell asleep pretty easily. That's where the good things kinda stopped. All night, I woke up and struggled with getting back to sleep. I don't know if I was dreaming or startling myself awake or responding to hot flashes, but I woke up about five times that I remember. After all that, I dozed until my light turned on at 4:19am. I dragged myself out of bed, did my hygiene, and am now staring at the computer with bleary eyes and some difficulty breathing. I should probably use my inhaler - be right back... I didn't have anything on my mind that I reme

Today is the day that I start back to work after a rough, emotional, and challenging Winter Break. My father is in hospice care and had a lucid day yesterday. The day before he was hallucinating that he was the President of the United States and was pretty demanding of how such a personage should be treated. My heart doesn't ache so much about the departure of my Bella-cat, but I still think that I see her walking down the hallway every once in a while. It always ends up being one of my strands of hair getting into my peripheral vision, but I still look for her. Several of my friends have wanted me to go get another kitty, but I am not ready yet. Anyway, back to thinking about work. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be "work days" implying that we will have some uninterrupted time in our classrooms to organize and clean things up. As far as I know, we will have all of our students back in sessions starting on Wednesday. There will be another schedule change because one o

  Blog post - take two. I started writing about an hour ago, but nothing I wrote made sense to my muddled brain. There is nothing wrong with me other than a bit of grief and lots of things on my to-do list that have to be finished in the next two days before I head back to work. I am having some difficulty focusing on any task for more than about three minutes before my brain shuttles me off to something else, so this post may not make a bunch of sense. It is difficult for me to focus right now. I'm not entirely sure why. So, when this happens to me, I rely on my book of things to do. Here are the things that I have to finish today - if I get nothing else done, these things need to happen... produce Sunday School video upload said video fold laundry put laundry in closet strap fingers 3 more times (already did one) finish CBMT application for Monthly Music Therapy Meets! cook something eat drink as much water as possible I have started the laundry. The last load has just finished d

Music therapy friends - I'm starting some monthly meets.   Our first Monthly Music Therapy Meet will happen on January 12, 2021 at 8EST/7CST/6MST/5PST.    Attendance is free for everyone. The meeting will be held via Zoom - I will be sending out links for those who respond to the survey link below on the 7th.   Please fill out the survey to indicate what you would like to get out of this type of community-building event. I am especially interested if you want me to turn this into an event that has CMTEs available - there will be a cost for the CMTEs but not for the Meets - anyone will be able to attend those for free at any time.   I will record these meetings, so you do not have to be present to get the CMTEs or to learn from us all.   Here's the link: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeJ9MN1I0ihNKshFw26LIf14SdOvp7f8rGwbgFPfRRRsRMLGQ/viewform?usp=sf_link Happiest of New Years to you and yours! I am sitting in my quiet apartment, looking at frozen rain and sleet to ushe