music, therapy, and me

Today is the last official day of my beginning of summer break, and I am not quite ready to move back into the world of music therapy. I took the first week of summer school off because I had family visits due to a medical procedure that I had to go through that confirmed a diagnosis but did absolutely nothing else for me. I am now navigating more specialists and more appointments for the next steps of this process, and it has been good to have an empty house and lots of time available to get this situation moving forward. I have taken a couple of naps during this week. I have also fielded many phone calls about test results, next steps, referrals, and appointments. I am going to my first appointment this morning to arrange the surgery that I need. I am hoping to get a call today from the other department that I need to be part of in the near future. Life gets more complicated when I go back to work, so I am hoping to have things set before I go back to work on Monday. I appreciate bre...

Well, yesterday the universe said "hold my beer" after my rant and crying jag about the flood in my music therapy office and sent the entire education wing into an electrical emergency requiring evacuation, a visit from both the fire department and the power company, and flickering lights, loud buzzing noises, and a fishy smell in the area. Strangely, this actually made me feel better. Shared catastrophe is better than solitary catastrophe. I am also interested to see if these two incidents are related in any way because my leak is about 30 feet along the same roof from the electrical box that went bad yesterday. It seems very coincidental. I was able to move my desk and electronics away from my water-soaked office to the storage room yesterday with a little bit of help from one of our behavior specialists. I still have some file cabinets and a bookcase and bulletin boards to move over. Once the roof is fixed, I want to transform the former office into an instrument room wher...

I fell down two days ago. To be specific, I slipped when I was going downstairs, and I tweaked my foot. All I could think of was, "I should have gone down on my butt like I thought about before heading down the stairs," and "please, don't let me die." I obviously didn't. but I am going to have to do some stuff to make sure that I am less likely to fall in the future. After all of that, I hurt my foot. Yesterday, I wrapped my foot, headed to church, and then started a migraine headache. For my migraines, I get a ocular migraine first which disturbs my vision but does not have the headache as part of it until the ocular migraine leaves - then the head starts to pound and the light makes it difficult to function. I was able to stay at church through my Sunday School time, but then I had to leave as the headache was coming and I could not fathom being able to sing and listen to what was going on with a pleasant look on my face. I went home, took the headache med...

In yesterday's faculty meeting, I was informed that my music therapy space is once again being taken away from me to accommodate offices. I attempted to ask for clarification, was redirected in front of my co-workers, and then burst into tears in front of the entire faculty. My question was not answered, and now I am humiliated, very upset about not having my music therapy space secure, and ashamed of my response. I am tired of this happening to me. In my time at my facility, this particular situation has happened six different times in my ten moves around the complex. It is always interesting that I get kicked out of a treatment space in favor of giving other people offices. I am taking this very personally at the moment (rational brain is not anywhere to be seen) and did not get an answer to my question in the moment which could have settled this entire situation down if the administrator had just taken the 3 seconds to answer. I am very skittish when it comes to my space, and I ...

I have nothing new to talk about. Nothing new to look forward to or to try or get going. I keep waking up early, resisting the opportunity to get up and out of bed, and I still don't want to get to work. I am wiped out...and, I just remembered that it is a 44 hour work week. I have to work a 12-hour day on Wednesday. I am not looking forward to that at all. So, I am stuck in a time loop - at least, that's how it feels - doomed to repeat the same day over and over again until something new happens, or something like that. It is pretty funny that this is how I am at the moment - complaining about how static things are right now - I get up, I go to work, I come home - when I have spent most of the past year complaining about how much change has happened in my work situation. Perhaps this is the result of cumulative stress on me at the moment. We were talking about trauma and one of my co-workers popped off with, "This won't cause a trauma unless you let it." I hearti...

I have decreed it to be so, so it shall be so! I started crying this morning when I saw a suicide prevention public announcement encouraging people to engage others in small talk. To be completely honest, this type of crying is not unusual for me at all. My primary emotional outlet is tears and always has been, so having a crying day is not strange. It is normal. Today, however, I think I am going to refrain from some of my "work-from-home" foci to allow myself to be able to burst into tears at any moment without fear of being on video. I think today may be a planning/visual aid/TME development type of day. I can work on music production without having to be filmed, so red, swollen eyes will not be a problem. Why is today declared a "Crying Day?" There is no specific reason, just more of the roller coaster things that are happening in the lives of others at this point. I am physically fine - things are at my normal for this time of year other than the broken fingers...

I don't know about you, but there is so much happening right now that I can't really seem to keep up. My church job has been canceled for this week, my school is on Spring Break and we haven't heard what's next, my big step outside my comfort zone was canceled, and my medical procedure yesterday was postponed - AFTER I DID ALL THE PREPARATION! I am in a state of feeling sorry for myself and then shame spiraling because I have it pretty good these days and then my "shoulda" goblin comes out to play. His name is "Ishoulda." My internal critic comes out to play. "You SHOULD be contributing something big to the world of music therapy right now." "You SHOULD be creating good music." "You SHOULDN'T be sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself because you have things pretty good these days." "You SHOULDN'T be stressing about not knowing what is going on." "You SHOULD remember that you aren't as b...

DISCLAIMER: This is another rant. It is also a way to express some of the frustrations and things that are currently happening. I've written time and time again how this blog is about music, therapy, and ME - and that things that I write about are not always fluffy pink and blue thoughts. This is definitely NOT a fluffy pink and blue thought type of post. At the same time, I do think that it is important to write about all things that affect my life and my role in this world as a music therapist. So, here we go...(you've been warned!)... I am very sensitive today. This is a culmination of many different things, including my grief and the end of the school year, and waking up so very early on this Friday morning. I'm sure that my hormones are acting up as well, so it's really a perfect storm of all things able to prime me into a hissy fit all coming together at once. I REALLY dislike it when someone takes it upon themselves to change my work without talking to m...

I tend to have a difficult month when May starts up. This is the time of year when everything and anything goes wrong. I didn't think too much about the electricity failure and the toilet malfunction on Monday, but when I got completely soaked on Tuesday and had to wear my pajama pants for snow days for all of my work, I remembered the time of year and what usually happens. Today, I received notification that I can't do something I want to do, and that just fully cemented the May curse for me. Yesterday's curse contribution included the news that things are changing at my facility and that the way I've been told I have to do things will no longer work, but folks don't seem to understand that, so I'm having to do lots of thinking and some convincing that stuff will need to change. So, you may be thinking, "Curse? Seriously? That sounds ridiculous!" I agree, but things have happened so much over the years, that I expect that something pretty big wi...

My beautiful music therapy room - I'm ready to use it! I think it will be a regular day today. I'm saying that with a bit of hesitation since the magic hour of 6am has not arrived yet, but I don't think that we will have to have an inclement weather schedule day today. I'm really hoping that we do not. So, in the past week (as we have had THREE inclement weather days - I attended two of them), my office has become more of a cesspool than usual. There are boxes of things for the store that need to be labeled and repackaged to fit the storage that I have available for me. There are projects to go through. There are things to make, things to toss, things to bring home, and things that just don't need to be there. I have facilitated 17 groups in the past two days - usually I do 10 groups in two days (and my interns do most of those groups these days, so I oversee 10 groups in two days). There is a certain level of exhaustion from being in the spotlight all the tim...

This is the eighth post I've started today and it will be the last. I am not very interested in much of what is going on in my life right now, and I want something to invigorate me. It's not really happening by osmosis, so I need to start searching for something. The problem? I have no idea what something to look for. I do best when I have a challenge with a clear goal in mind and that is the part that is eluding me. I am just coasting through my music therapy life right now. My interns are doing the things that they are supposed to be doing. My clients are responding the way they always respond to music therapy treatment - some positively, some negatively. My professional goals are happening as I spend time on them. I've settled into a boring routine which is not very stimulating, so I feel my brain atrophying. This is not a feeling that I like. I need an interest. I want to find something that will allow me to grow as a music therapist. Maybe I should move int...

I'm very tired today. Yesterday started off on a very early note with me trying to figure out where I had placed things for my new intern (never found them, by the way - wonder where I placed the extra stapler and stuff). I got to work very early, did some cleaning, and then welcomed the newest intern to my facility. For some reason, I am exhausted today. I woke up at 3 am (my latest "regular" time), and I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed until later than usual. I'm now trying to write all this while coordinating my to-do list and figuring out breakfast and trying to jump start my brain into actual thoughts about music and therapy. I got nothing. Something that I've done recently is to schedule free intern webinars for current interns out there. We'll meet on Tuesday evenings to talk about topics that I think are important to share about and to discuss during internships. If you are interested, the link and description is below. I will ...

Last night, I walked over to put my dishes in the sink after dinner and was overtaken by chills. I ended up shivering with my teeth chattering for about 45 minutes after that. I turned up the heater, put on my socks, covered up myself in about 8 blankets and afghans, and covered my head. I remained covered up that way for the rest of the night. I think I went to sleep about 6:45 last night...and the night before that. My temperature is still a bit below "normal" for most folks, but I am about a degree higher than I usually am, so I think I am running a bit of a temperature as well. I have needed my asthma medicine a bit more than usual, but nothing else is happening. I'm currently debating about whether this is the start of the flu or if it isn't. My major problem is that my usual, everyday way of living has many of the characteristics of the flu. I almost always have a cough, sneezing, and a runny nose. Those haven't changed. I don't usually get bone shakin...

It is my last full day of visiting home, and I am not handling the end very well. I love this place and these people, and now I am the only one who isn't living here, so I am the oddball now. I don't want to be leaving, but my job is elsewhere, so I have to go...back...to bitter temperatures and a job where I don't feel all that valued... (Please note that most of the comments that I am making here are colored by the fact that I have only one more day to be in this wonderland, and I DON'T WANT TO GO!) The end of a visit almost always makes me wonder if there are things I can do in order to stay, but I just can't see possibilities beyond what I know. I do know this - I will be returning home for good at some point. (I got to start buying lottery tickets!)  My sister has arranged my last day here. I am going to stay at her house tonight. We will be going to her neighborhood block party (I'm her excuse for not staying for very long), and we may go to see Star...

I write about self-care lots and lots. Mainly this is because I struggle with self-care and self-awareness and find that writing about it helps me identify what and when I need to engage. This is one of those days. I always get sick during the fall months. I spend some time sniffling, with sinus headaches, sneezing, and wheezing. This is usually due to the corn harvest. It kicks up lots of dust, and I stop breathing well. Over the years, I've learned that taking a day off when I am starting the process is beneficial to my health in the longer term. Today is that day. I woke up this morning with a sinus headache and wheezing. My daily medications and my inhaler didn't help, so it is time to start the heavy-duty stuff. My heavy-duty medications knock me out for the first 24 hours of taking them, so today is a day off from work. I can't drive on the first day due to dizziness and drowsiness (I've learned that lesson!), so I am home as I get used to the medication in my...

I had to take a sick day today. It is Day FIVE of the new school year, and I am already needing to be at home, dealing with my health, rather than being at work, where I belong! I am absolutely disgusted with myself and with my body right now, sitting here, four hours later than I usually blog because of my body. I am feeling guilty and sick - never a good combination. Yesterday was a bad day. It started with complete exhaustion and ended up with four out of my six group sessions requiring behavior management assistance that kept clients and others safe. Kids were screaming, staff were stressed, I felt ineffectual - it all added up to a loud, nonproductive day in the music therapy room. It took all the effort I had to go to work yesterday, but I went. I came home yesterday feeling completely wiped out. I was dwelling a bit more than usual on the bad sessions that I had led, and I was just exhausted. I tried to stay awake until the bedtime that I want to have, but I think I feel a...

I am absolutely tired to the bone today. I know why, but that doesn't make getting myself up and going any easier. My quotation for this week has every thing to do with self-care, so it seems to be a good thing to focus on for this post. Thank you, Tina Turner, for this reminder that self-care is not a luxury but a necessity. Thursdays are my most difficult day for waking up and getting going. This is mostly due to my Wednesday evening routine. I am out of my house, being a church music director until after 8pm, and then I have calls to my family members that often keep me up past 9! Last night, Dad called me at 9:30 - unheard of in my family - and talked to me until almost 10pm when I begged to be let out of the conversation because I was exhausted! Those things make my Thursday mornings different than any other day of the week. I often feel groggy and in need of more sleep on Thursday mornings. The rest of the week, I wake up extra early and ready to go rather than wanting ...

Every so often, I have to work a 12-hour day in my role as a school-based music therapist. I dread those days with a passion, primarily because I spend most of the day sitting in my small, dark music therapy room with occasional breaks for (shudder) team-building exercises, and then I end up sicker than a dog afterwards. I've been able to avoid most of our 12-hour days this year because administration scheduled them on Wednesdays - I have another job on Wednesday evenings, so I get to work flex time rather than going through the rigor of 12-hour days. We've finished three of our five 12-hour days in the first three months of school - only two more to go. This last day, the one where I did most of the 12-hours (but not all - I left after 11 hours because I felt sick and had already worked overtime that week), left me exhausted. I slept in until 7:30 yesterday morning and 7:00 this morning. My allergies are morphing into something else - at this point, I can't tell if it ...

One thing we don't talk about often is when music therapy sessions just simply do not work the way we want them to. I have learned that ignoring those crap sessions is NOT the way to go. When they happen, acknowledge them and then go into problem solving mode. Here's my current experience. For the past several weeks, some of my clients have hijacked the music therapy attempts going on and twisted it into something else. The group assignments aren't appropriate - there are kids that absolutely should not be stuck in a classroom together - but I have no say in how groups are decided. I am not alone in my struggles - the art therapist is having difficulty with the groups, teachers are having difficulties with the groups, other classroom staff members are struggling. There are struggles every where, but no solutions in sight. Yesterday's session included screaming, obscenities, fists being shoved in faces, attempts at self-harm, lots of kids leaving the session due to...

This has been a long couple of days. I started my Friday by waking up later than usual (5:30 am instead of 4 am) and just couldn't seem to coordinate my thoughts enough to write about anything. I did try, but everything was jumbled around in my brain. I took a day off and went to work. Once at work, I found that my "entire day to work in your room" turned into something else entirely. I also made a public announcement about something that irritated me that caused me lots of second thoughts last night. Basically, the Occupational Therapy Assistants have put together a sensory box for each classroom. Not a problem for me, since I feel that we do not often assist our clients in finding sensory integration. What led to my probably not so politically correct comment was the "relaxation CD" included in the box. (In the interest of full-disclosure, I have a personal issue with one of the OTAs that works in our facility, and I think that much of my ooops moment ye...