music, therapy, and me

I am supposed to have a list of questions for my current supervisor to ask interviewees along with key phrases for him to listen for. I have been struggling with this because I honestly don't know what would be meaningful for him to know about candidates. The questions I would ask as a therapist are very different from the ones that a principal would ask. I really am feeling very reluctant about being part of this process because I was interviewed by the person I was replacing, and it was not an interview at all - it was them telling me how to do things. I didn't do any of the same things when I started - it was complicated, but I was doing two jobs for the facility at that point so things had to change. I do want to meet the candidates, but I want to be the person who gets to show them what we already have in place rather than being the one who asks questions. I don't want to end up being a scapegoat if things do not work out with the person selected. A cruise of AI-genera...

Was yesterday a strange day for anyone else? Everyone in my life seemed to be having a strange day - weird dreams, strange feelings, all that stuff. Hearing that coming from others made my strange day feel a bit better. At least I wasn't alone in all of my stuff. There is safety in numbers, my friends! Today is starting off a little bit better. I had reflux last night and did not sleep well. I managed to get back to sleep around midnight until about 2am, but I did not allow myself to try to doze after that. I don't need more anxiety dreams happening - those are EXHAUSTING! So, I am heading into my job with less sleep than I would like, the remains of the reflux happening, and the effects of two nights of difficult sleep.  At least this next weekend is a three-day one. Unfortunately, it is a Monday off which I do not like at all, but it is another day off. I hope that I will do some resting, but I doubt it. Monday was so promising this week - I wonder why Tuesday and today are s...

'Tis the season for MJ to be a bit scattered and overwhelmed! This is the week before the Online Conference for Music Therapy , and I am the treasurer and continuing education director for the conference. Right now, I am getting emails sent out to people from all over the world, and I am fielding questions from all sorts of folks about all sorts of situations! In addition, I just saw a position that I would enjoy doing, so I am thinking about applying. The worst case scenario is that I would not get the job, so why not try?? I have some time to get things together, but I would have to become a member again of an organization that I have stepped away from. Ugh. I have some time to think about this situation, but not much. This tends to be my busiest time of year - OCMT and everything else just seems to show up at this time. If I need to do something in an urgent manner, it will happen during OCMT week. It is pretty funny to note that there are 51 other weeks in the year, but I end u...

I have one more day with kids before the official end of the 2024-2025 school year. Today is the end-of-the-school-year bash, and I have been very cranky about it in the last 24 hours. Before I get to that, though - Graduation went well. We had our usual spinning clients and technological issues, but it went well. After that, the "specialists" at our school (AKA the ones running the aforementioned bash) got together to start putting things together for the event tomorrow. That's where my stress began. I am in charge of the photo booth at this bash thing. I have arranged for the props and have started the backdrop for said booth. We have two, large, inflatable doo-hickeys coming this morning to be set up. Now, in the past, we have had difficulties with said doo-hickeys. They are not able to be run on the same electric line because they blow the breakers. They are never the size we expect, and we often have to rearrange things (like photo booths) after the inflatables arriv...

So, how is your week going? Mine has included a near accident, hysterics for 24 miles, wishing that I could take a day off but knowing that I really can't justify it, wanting to get breakfast but the line being too long, long conversations with my family (which I love, but take time), interrupted sleep, beautiful weather patterns with just enough rain and sunshine to make me happy, one compliment, and some crabby students. I am so tired of everything, and I have been very isolated in my little therapy space. Everyone around me is sick, so I am trying my best to stay healthy since I've already lost one week to a strange virus. I don't want to use any more time this month. Every time this happens (and it is happening more often as I go through changes in my hormone levels and as I age), I have to figure out ways to break through the funk and keep going. For me, mindfulness practices help, and they mostly happen during my commute to work. Yesterday, for example, when the first...

Eesh. It has been a rough couple of days, and I am feeling the stressors piling up on each other. I feel a bit like Luisa in Encanto  - under the pressure of more and more weight while wanting to remove the weight of loved ones. No details here, but there are family considerations going on that are hard to navigate from 1500 miles away. To add to it all, I had a finger injury on Wednesday, caused by a client, which means Worker's Comp and the associated headaches that go along with that type of medical issue. If you're thinking, "oh, so we're doing THIS again," just know that I'm feeling it as well. I find out today if there is any hidden damage to the finger that got wrenched all the way back on Wednesday morning. This is one of the two fingers that got injured back in 2020 - it is NOT the one that had the tendon separation; it is the one that had a small fracture at the distal phalange. The injury is at the proximal phalange and metacarpal this time.  When I...

This evening is the beginning of OCMT - the Online Conference for Music Therapy's annual conference. So, I am awake an hour before I set my alarm, sitting here, trying to figure out when I am going to get all sorts of things done before tomorrow morning when I have to be moderating presentations. Today is not a snow day...yet. I am not holding out much hope that it will be a snow day at all, but another snow day would be really convenient for me. So, that means that it will not happen. I will do my usual things for this conference. I will spend some time explaining to people that they cannot register after the fact. I will send lots of links to panicked presenters who didn't register. I will be present for the opening part of the ceremony, and then I will head out to get some sleep while the other folks take their turn at the helm. I will come back when I wake up. I am an early morning type person, so I will be helping out in the early morning hours. Then, I present on music th...

I returned home last night after 10 hours at work, 3 hours of commuting, and another 2 hours at my part-time job to find a voicemail from the apartment company informing me that they have a showing this morning. While that is good on one hand, it is also extremely stress-inducing because I have not had a chance to clean the apartment and it is a pit of lint and stuff sitting all over the place. The showing is this morning at 9:30, and I have not been at the apartment since Tuesday because of all the things that I have to do. In addition, I am getting ready for jury duty service - something that lasts for two weeks here in my county - on top of coordinating packing and moving services, carpet cleaning, the delivery of two beds, and an upcoming visit from my Mom and my sister. Add to all that the end of the year/preholiday stress happening at work, and I am at my wit's end. I got nothing. You know, I am spending inordinate amounts of time in a stress response these days, and I do not...

One of my former clients often attempted to turn me off like I was a mechanical person rather than a human. He would poke my arm and then model what he wanted me to do - with a neeeee-rm sound. I told him that he had to figure out the secret passcode in order to stop my mechanism, and I was forbidden to divulge that passcode to anyone.  I want a shut-down button. I think I am in the down part of my hormonal cycle which is getting more and more variable as I get older. It would be nice to have a button that would allow me to hibernate and let the world go on around me, but I cannot. The best thing that I can do during these times is to try to maintain my hold on my emotions the best I can. I use my self-care strategies and try new ones, and I fail. Lots. This is going to be a difficult day for me - all of the stuff that is happening is going to be emotional for me. I am already steeped in dread about everything that is going to happen tonight, and I am good at self-fulfilling prophe...

My posts for the past two days have been nothing but complaining about all the stuff happening in my life, so I have been at a loss about what to write that isn't just me being in the throes of grief and constant stress. So, this is me trying to acknowledge what is going on in my life while still trying to present a firm and calm position. It is not going to be easy. The latest stressors that have appeared are broken toilets in my home and my sister's home being in the path of a wildfire. Ugh. We have had enough going on.  Anyway... Let's see if I can come up with something to write about that is not all about me. I'm tired of writing about these things, so it is time to take a step towards finding different content topics. Julie Palmieri over at Serenade Designs often offers suggestions for blog posts and different marketing ploys, and I enjoy reading those suggestions. I do not often write about her ideas or use them in my own posts, but they are out there for anyone ...

I admit it. I am useless when it comes to the taxation system in this country, and the subject of taxes is something that causes my anxiety responses to go off the charts every single time I think about it all. I wake up at 3am in a cold sweat at times, worrying about getting those taxes done and correct and all that stuff. It is one of the biggest stress-inducing activities of my year...every year. Now, I act as the treasurer for a not-for-profit organization here in the states and that has increased my anxiety rather than decreasing it. I didn't want to be the treasurer for this not-for-profit organization, but I kinda fell into it because of where I lived. My role has been the source of great joy over the past eleven years and also the aforementioned stress. This year, my accountant retired, so I now have a new tax preparer. I met with her this last week to complete my personal taxes, and I will never go back to doing my own ever again! I found things that I could itemize tha...

Every year at this time, my stress level climbs to extreme levels. It is entirely due to my involvement in the Online Conference for Music Therapy, and it is a labor of love that I know will take over my life for some time and then be done for another year. Let me make this clear - IT IS MY CHOICE TO DO THIS JOB AND TAKE ON THIS STRESS! It is also the time of year when everything has to happen all at once, so I end up getting more stress because I have to fit all this in with everything else that is going on. Again, this is MY CHOICE and MY CHOICE only. Due to this scheduled stress ramp-up every single year, I know that it is time for a bit of self-care and over consideration for myself. I can't PROVE a correlation between my level of health and my overly stressed week, but it happens that I get sick every time this conference comes around - bronchitis, allergy stuff, fevers, etc. It seems pretty close to being a correlation, but I cannot prove it. This year, when my throat...

I woke up very early this morning, and I've had lots of time to start to stress over lots of things that are happening today.  This is not good. I'm a bit stressed to begin with that I woke up so early. That leads me into thinking about the new practicum student who is commuting from another state (and not the closest one) to work with me, the new intern who started on Friday, and the intern who's been here for lots of time now. There will be FOUR music therapists in the music therapy room on Monday afternoons. This is freaking me out! I am thinking about the cat who seems to be bored with me. I'm stressing about the webinar that I am running tonight - mainly because I ended up in the hospital after the last webinar. I know (rationally) that I won't end up in the hospital again, but those ideas are circling around and around in my brain. I'm wondering how I can get some more sleep. I'm trying to figure out more evening activities for myself that don...

I am glad that my to-do list never really gets finished. There is something a bit comforting about always having something to get done. Why is this coming up in my brain right now? I've been singing a song about setting goals. My intern, #24, wrote the song last year at this time. I know that because the sheet music that I have for the song references this transition from August to September. We are using the song to help students make personal goals, so I am thinking lots about my own personal goals (and sharing the ones that are relevant to my clients). Some of my students are writing their goals down on paper. Others are verbalizing those goals to the entire group. We are discussing the fact that goals have smaller parts to them. For example, the goal of "going home" includes using coping skills and being safe as part of the expectations before folks can get to their next place. As I am facilitating this particular TME, I have many different thoughts that go thro...

Last week was a rough week and my morning routine was just all sorts of interrupted and messed up. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was not a week where finishing my routine was really an option - at all. So, I took it easy on myself and just didn't do the routine - any of it! I tried for the first three days of the week, but the last two were really sick days, so I didn't even try. As a result, I am currently getting ready to re-establish my morning routine. So far, I have gone over my social media accounts, fed and medicated the cat, taken my medication, and now I am sitting down to blog. I have already taken an hour out of my morning to do these things, and I'm feeling behind. I know I'm not behind, but that's the feeling that I have. Time to focus on the routine. Get specific things done and have some time for creative expression as well. I have to put together a bunch of materials for a project that one of my interns is finishing pretty soon, a...

She REALLY likes my robe! I have written a version of this blog post now about five times. I got a bit frustrated with myself because I was coming across as a bit too whiny and "poor me-ish," even for me - just couldn't stomach what was coming across my keyboard. So, I decided to change up my routine a bit and see if that would help me write something that includes some sort of solution to problems that are happening around me. I took my shower in the middle of my morning rather than at the beginning or at the end like I usually do. My routine is more of a task list than a schedule, so I often mix things up a bit, but showers are not usually all that flexible for me for some strange reason. I decided to see if some shower time would help me to figure out what is going on with me. Here are some of the details. My family members, all out in California, are struggling with various and sundry medical issues. Some of these are specifically time-framed, others are not. ...

Yesterday was a busy day. I had an intern applicant visit, a mid-term evaluation, and the start of my other intern's time as therapist for her caseload. I felt like I was running around all day, shifting my attention from one thing to another in a rapid manner. Once I got home, I found out that the cat was having some issues, so I had to figure out what was going on. I forgot about a video challenge that I had signed up for, so I had to figure that out. The first camera made my chin look all fuzzy and blurry, so I recorded myself several different times. Everything seemed to be all consuming (even though it was NOT so), and I just had to do everything because these things needed to be done (emphasis is my own - not something placed on me by anyone else). So, I ran from thing to thing and had to devote my attention to the task at hand each time there was a task at hand. I wish I had remembered this particular song last night as I was trying to quiet my body and my brain. I lov...

I am stuck in breathing limbo. I have some struggles when breathing, but nothing is getting worse, so I really can't go to the doctor yet. All they will do at this point is tell me to use my inhalers to open things up (which I am doing). In addition, I am moderately busy these days, so breathing comes up in regards to self-care as well as to life. It's time to focus on breathing for a bit. I have always been a singer, so breathing has always been something that I've used to center myself, calm myself down, remain calm in stressful situations, and to sing. My first music therapy clinical demonstration was centered around belly breathing for kids very similar to those that I work with right now. I sing "Up Goes the Castle" from Sesame Street to prompt kids to breathe using diaphragmatic breathing all the time. I have many tricks up my sleeve to get my clients to engage in deep breathing, because I feel that it is the best way of calming a body down - increase ...

This has been a long, rough, severely understaffed week at my facility. Only one of the 15 groups that we have done so far have been fully staffed. Most of my groups have only one person coming with them to music therapy sessions. We're supposed to have at least two people in some of my groups and often we have more like four additional people coming into music therapy with our client groups. So, we are understaffed at the moment. This makes for very cranky staff members and kids who see a gap in supervision and try to take advantage of that gap. In addition, I've been dealing with some strange stuff behind the scenes - situations where people have overstepped their role in my training program and in areas where they have no business making decisions for me rather than consulting with me. I've had to fix things that should never have been an issue, and that is extremely frustrating for me.  The week has been progressing really slowly. It is still really hot here, an...

My mother arrived at my living space yesterday - a surprise type visit (I knew it was coming a bit over a month ago - very impulsive for us to make plans in only a couple of weeks) especially since I've lived here for 23 years and this is only the second time she's come to visit me - the first was when I had surgery. This is a "just because" visit as far as I know, and now that it's happening, I'm happy to see her. The living space is not "Mom clean," but it is functional, and I am going to work around her rather than just sit and watch everything she does. Bella-cat is adjusting to sharing a living space and is absolutely DYING to get into the room that is currently off-limits (because of the inflatable bed) but is enjoying the good g'ma attention and rubs behind the ears. She's a pretty easy house guest. She is looking forward to going through my extensive library of fiction and through my craft books and supplies. I figure she'll be ...