music, therapy, and me

It is thundering this morning, and I am glad. I like storms as long as they don't come along with tornadoes, and this one seems to be just a regular storm. I am guessing that my mowers won't be coming today, but I will put their check on the door as usual, just in case.  I am experiencing some issues surrounding the fact that I am not at work while all my co-workers are working right now, but I am also enjoying my time alone. This changes from moment to moment. My life has changed significantly in the past two weeks. I no longer sing for adolescents. I sit at a computer and try to make things for music therapists to use and sing with their adolescents. I miss the human interaction, but not enough to consider going back. I felt a creative itch last night. I wanted to make something, but I had some decision fatigue and avoidance coming on, so I asked my mom and sister for some themes. I ended up being challenged to make a winter themed journal and a turtle themed journal. I put...

I hit another exhaustion wall yesterday. My body reminding me that it was rearranged two months ago and that we both are still recovering from the rigors of surgery, anaesthesia, and the constant stressors of changing diagnoses as well as specialists every couple of days. So, I remained at home and slept. I feel better today and was able to crawl out of bed without crying or falling, so that's a positive thing. I missed five groups yesterday, and my mother heaped a whole bunch of guilt on my head last night, so I am ashamed of the fact that I was unable to continue my therapy day after taking my shower and finding it difficult to move my legs to get over the side of the tub.  This is what always happens. I start off trying to be proactive with my self-care, but I end up feeling guilt and shame for taking time for that self-care which increases the need for self-care. It is a never ending loop of shame and guilt that is also exhausting. I know about shame cycles and all that, but th...

Boy, did I have plans for this week. I was going to be releasing a giveaway on Wednesday. I was going to be getting on top of some work for the Online Conference for Music Therapy. I was going to pack for my upcoming trip to see family for a memorial service. There was so much that I was going to do. Well, these things did not get finished this week because my body decided it was time to complicate matters with a migraine. This was a doozy of a migraine as well - flashing sparkles in my field of vision, extreme light sensitivity, nausea, stabbing headache, and an extremely low body temperature, and just not doing well at all. Add on a continuing asthma cycle, and that was my body this week. Once I regained my vision, I drove myself home, having to use 5 hours of my sacred sick time for this headache. I still had to log onto a Zoom meeting because it was my intern's turn to present. So, for the past three days, all I have done is cower in the corner of the music therapy room, wearin...

I am reflecting on the week that was, and I'm finding that things went pretty well this week. Nothing to complain about except for having difficulty breathing and then being around people using scented products in all areas of my life which triggered additional breathing problems. Other than that, things went well. I mean, there was that one group where half of the students slept through music therapy, but the other half LOVED everything we did in the session. Perhaps I shouldn't pick too much at this idea that it was a good week...the illusion might shatter. That would not be good. ANYWAY...  I feel that this was a good week. I spent time medicated more than usual - I wonder if that had something to do with it all. My body was struggling for breath, but I was still able to do my job in a pretty good way. I tried things that I would not have tried without some inspiration from my intern - that was good.  I accepted intern #33 and that person accepted the position right back. #...

A friend of mine messaged me yesterday to ask me how things were going, and I started to cry. Yesterday was one of those days where clients who used to love being in music therapy were ripping things off the walls, breaking the thermometers, and destroying things, all while trying to hurt me. Actually, it was just one client, but still, it hit me deep. We are very short-staffed at the moment, and the only staff members that were present are not ones that I know. I have no idea if they were trained in our crisis management system or not. All I know is that they did NOTHING to help me out. This happens every Tuesday, and I am exhausted by the situation. The student refuses to talk to me or to use the program that the student has agreed to use. This happens regardless of what we are doing or the sounds we are making which makes it seem personal. The student will bring in noise-cancelling headphones and then destroy them rather than wearing them. add in the fact that the student makes thre...

I have decreed it to be so, so it shall be so! I started crying this morning when I saw a suicide prevention public announcement encouraging people to engage others in small talk. To be completely honest, this type of crying is not unusual for me at all. My primary emotional outlet is tears and always has been, so having a crying day is not strange. It is normal. Today, however, I think I am going to refrain from some of my "work-from-home" foci to allow myself to be able to burst into tears at any moment without fear of being on video. I think today may be a planning/visual aid/TME development type of day. I can work on music production without having to be filmed, so red, swollen eyes will not be a problem. Why is today declared a "Crying Day?" There is no specific reason, just more of the roller coaster things that are happening in the lives of others at this point. I am physically fine - things are at my normal for this time of year other than the broken fingers...

I'm on my third sick day of this week. On Sunday evening, I started something that I've experienced before, but it didn't go away. Usually, when I get this strange pain in my side, it lasts for about 30 minutes and then goes away. Sometimes it comes back after a couple of hours, lasts for about 30 minutes, and then leaves again. This time, it started and did not stop for about 24 hours. I'm to the point now where I have more time without pain than with it, but the pain is still present, and I don't like it. So, since the pain is coming in waves and is pretty intense, I've decided to experience it here at home rather than in the middle of music therapy sessions. I feel guilty about this. I feel guilty that I haven't been to work this week. Now, I know that it is better for my health to be able to go through the treatment that my nurse practitioner has recommended, and that treatment has to be done at home where I can access a bathroom immediately. I can...

I've started this post two other times already, written about three paragraphs, and then deleted everything that I've written because it just hasn't felt right to me. Let's see if version #3 makes it to the final posting stage. There are lots of thoughts in this post - things that affect me as a music therapist at this moment right now. I'm not exactly sure if this is the type of post that you all will like, but this blog is called music, therapy, and me, so today you get mostly me. You can certainly stop reading now, if you don't want to know what is going on in my brain. I need to get it out of my brain in a way that allows me to acknowledge what is going on and how I think about it all...there you go. Anyway... I have made it to the half-point of my time off, and I am starting to have some twinges of boredom and guilt and shame and all that. I am managing to get lots of rest, and my sleep patterns are all screwed up, but I am feeling a bit better tha...

I have three days left before the end of our extended school year session, so I am starting my to-do lists for the upcoming break. So far, the list is more specific things that need to be located rather than tasks. I need to find the HP ink box with the color cartridge. I've found the one that has the recyclable old cartridges, but I cannot find where I put the new one. The other thing that I need to locate (at the moment, at least) is the rolls of stamps I bought a time ago. I think my to-do list this time around will be more of a "treasure" hunt than a task list. That may be the way to go this break. I often make a long list of tasks that I simply do not do, so I end up being disappointed and disgusted with myself because I "SHOULD" be doing many other things. I think my running to-do list this break will be things that I need to find - things I know I have somewhere, but that I need to find in order to do other things - like mail letters, print out photos...

Breaks are always guilt-ridden times for me. I sit in my house thinking about all the things I should be doing, and I tend to fall into a pattern of self-defeat because I see all the things that need to be done, but I don't do them. Maybe a better way of doing all that I want to get done is to list the things that I have actually done during the first four days of this break. I went through all my fiction books and took out the books that I no longer want. Some of these are silly romance novels, some are science fiction/fantasy that are just parts of entire series, some are the duplicates that my Mom has collected and shared with me, and many of them are silly books from the Dollar Tree that I picked up because I can't seem to walk past a book shelf without getting something... The dishes are almost finished. I have about a quarter of a dishwasher load left to go. This has freed up much of my counter space, so I've done some work on my kitchen surfaces. I've start...

My view on the way home yesterday. It's thicker now!! I have decided NOT to go to work today because the world is covered with ice and it is not letting up. In my 23 years of living in these February climes, I've spent time in a ditch, I've slid into another car on an ice day (interestingly, NOT a snow day, but it should have been!), and I have only missed four inclement weather days total. One of those days was for a DMV appointment, so I had to take it! Today, however, I have erred on the side of caution and am taking my inclement weather time as it occurs rather than later on. I can handle snow. I even enjoy driving in snow, but ice scares me. This part of the world is encased in snow, and I'm waiting for the sun to rise so I can see if there is any type of sparkle. That's the only good thing about ice - the way the world sparkles when it is covered with glitter. I have already texted my administrators and my interns - just in case they don't see it o...

I constantly work to improve myself. I work to increase my effectiveness and my creativity. I work to improve my knowledge of music as a therapeutic medium. I try my best to work on things that enrich my life rather than complicating it. There are times, though, when my penchant for self-improvement becomes onerous rather than productive. I am someone who has always used a calendar and journal. I have always used to-do lists and self-reflection as a part of my personal and professional lives. Right now, though, I have become a bit overwhelmed with thoughts about what I "should" be doing as part of my life rather than what I "am" doing. The preceding statement is the reason that I have three words that I call my "goblins" - would, could, and should.  I have a list of self-improvement habits that I want to get started. They include daily exercise (I have NO excuse except that I just don't like exercising), eating better (again, no excuse), being purp...

Last night, I walked over to put my dishes in the sink after dinner and was overtaken by chills. I ended up shivering with my teeth chattering for about 45 minutes after that. I turned up the heater, put on my socks, covered up myself in about 8 blankets and afghans, and covered my head. I remained covered up that way for the rest of the night. I think I went to sleep about 6:45 last night...and the night before that. My temperature is still a bit below "normal" for most folks, but I am about a degree higher than I usually am, so I think I am running a bit of a temperature as well. I have needed my asthma medicine a bit more than usual, but nothing else is happening. I'm currently debating about whether this is the start of the flu or if it isn't. My major problem is that my usual, everyday way of living has many of the characteristics of the flu. I almost always have a cough, sneezing, and a runny nose. Those haven't changed. I don't usually get bone shakin...

I had every intention of reading the next chapter in my current music therapy reading yesterday, but I didn't get that done. I did finish one prayer shawl, start another, write my thank you notes to my family members, go shopping for groceries and marked down holiday stuff, blog, and watch lots of television. I swear, I will get back into that reading - I am very interested in how it all turns out - but I am going to take my time. Today, however, I already have a long to-do list. I will be going to my church job to celebrate Epiphany (I know, it was yesterday, but we haven't spoken about it yet), and then I'll come home to make some cards for our War game next week. After that, I am going to see The Last Jedi again. We'll see if I can make it through the movie without crying this time around, but I am taking my tissues just in case. At some point, I will start to read my book again. I am interested in learning more about Winnicott's theories of psychology and h...

I had a bad night last night. It started with a bite from a client - lovely big bruise blossoming on my left leg, continued with a snarky comment from a co-worker about a task I had to complete, and ended with little to no sleep and the start of a cold or allergy response (I think it's an allergy, but we'll see). In the middle of that was a disagreement with my father about insurance companies (I try to avoid any type of political discussion with my father because it ends up with me upset). I'm not sure if the disagreement was due to the fact that I'm not feeling well or if I'm not feeling well because of the disagreement (chicken and egg deal), but I am tired, I can't breathe, and I am ravenously hungry. I am taking the day off. I really shouldn't as I am almost out of time, but I don't think I can stay awake enough to drive the hour to work. I already have a group cancelled (they are going on a field trip, we found out late on Monday), and I alread...

I am currently rearranging my living area to incorporate some new shelves and to move some older shelving to my office areas at work. This is due to the fact that I've already had an inquiry about an intern placement, so I am feeling some pressure to be ready for intern #24 at any moment. That was the impetus I needed to get off my chair and start being proactive. As a result, my living area is more of a mess than usual. At the moment, the far wall of (what is supposed to be) the dining area is looking pretty good. I have the new shelving over there, and the shelves are filling up with books and boxes and trinkets of various origins. I have some of my personal instruments along the top of the shelving. I have some new canvas boxes that will store various things. I am making shelves for music therapy texts and for songbooks. There are shelves for visual aid making materials and for instruments. I still have three more shelving units to put together, so I have some additional plann...

A music therapist who is also an acquaintance of mine was talking about doing nothing for an entire day. He made the observation that it was difficult for him to plan a day of nothing - no work on presentations, no catching up on progress notes, nothing at all planned...a complete day devoted to self-care and something just for him. I can certainly relate. I think many music therapists can relate to his conundrum. How do you get away from the job, enjoy getting away, and find something to refresh you enough to get back to the job? For me, my issue usually comes in the form of guilt - guilt that I'm letting someone down (I'm usually not), guilt that work will still be waiting (because it always is waiting - it's work), and guilt that doing something just for me is inherently selfish. I'm learning to let those feelings of guilt start, pass through my conscious mind, and then leave me again. I am part of a Facebook group for music therapy business owners. I enjoy r...