WARNING: Hyperemotional Post - Challenges on a Blessed Day - Yesterday Was Rough

Yesterday was a day that broke me. Not because of the inauguration - I am thrilled for our country and our direction at the moment - but because of something that happened 1500 miles away from me at my Mom's house. She had a huge tree fall in a wind storm and fall onto the neighbor's property, taking out a satellite dish and other stuff that hasn't been discovered yet, I am sure. My sister sent me one picture and I lost it. I started into hysterical sobbing and just couldn't fathom being able to lead music therapy sessions while snorting and crying and being completely taken over by my emotions, so I left my intern alone and drove home to sob in private rather than in public. I am still a bit sobby, but I have to go to work - I have no choice. I am hoping that there are no more incidents at Mom's house because I just can't cope with the things that I already have to deal with. My plate is full. 

I know that this is part of the grief process. I know this. I know that there will be good days and not-so-good days like yesterday. I am feeling very vulnerable, useless, and utterly alone in my physical location. I am not coping with my losses well, and things just keep piling up to complicate all of these feelings. It has been less than a month since all of this started, and my support system died two weeks ago today.

One of the things that broke me yesterday was a comment made via text by my sister. I pointed out that Mom would want to contact her homeowner's insurance company for help with the fallen tree. My sister responded with "You're now my "dad" advice source." I still can't handle that thought. I can't take over his role - I don't know anything and still need him to be my dad advice source. He's not here anymore to talk me out of these hyperemotional states, and I am scared that I will always be stuck in this type of dealing with the world. My rational mind knows better, but still, I miss him so much!

A friend of mine shared some personal news yesterday that sent me into a bit of a dither as well. I want to support her in her new path, but I am not sure what my role can be. I am there for her, though.

I am not in a position to be a good therapist right now. I feel like I can barely go through the motions, much less help guide others to their destinations. This is not something that I like, and I don't know how to get back to an even keel. My rational brain knows that I will be less emotional eventually, but I am not there yet.

It doesn't help that I am going through perimenopause and can't seem to regulate my emotional state even without the complications of grief. The happenings in the past month have just piled onto my hormonal fluctuations and swings to create a perfect storm of mourning, irrational thinking, and strange things happening...

My major tendency in times like these is to bring out my goblins. My thoughts are littered with "I should be" or "If I could only do" or "If I would just" statements - all implied that I am not enough. These are my goblins, and they take over when I start to sink into emotion. These thoughts are not helpful, and they tend to increase my emotionality - it is like these thoughts feed each other so the goblins just get bigger and bigger.

It is time to make my rational brain take over. Each time I find a goblin thought sneaking into my way of thinking, I need my rational brain to find it, squash it flat with a tennis racquet, and then cover the mess with a waterproof band-aid that reminds me that I am doing what I can do. That's all that anyone else is asking of me and that is all that I can ask of me as well. (An "I need to" statement almost snuck in there - that is the key that opens the goblin gate...)  

My family members indulged me yesterday by letting me look up information on the website and then convey it to them even though they were more than capable of doing this task (and probably had already done it before they even contacted me about it). I have not been able to help with the process of closing out my Dad's accounts or anything because I live so far away. There is guilt associated with not being there, especially when both my brother and my sister are there to help out. I am so tired of being away from them, but I need to be here. Again, my rational mind knows this, but my emotional mind is yearning to go home.

It is time to try work again. If I can't handle it, I will need to come up with some alternatives to singing and playing with my groups today. On a good note - before my world crashed yesterday, I was able to schedule in three individuals. I have some more to try to get into the schedule this morning. I would love to have individuals scheduled into all my empty times, but I am sure that will not happen. I want to be busy again, and I am hoping that I can fill up my schedule with musicking with my clients. 

Time to try to let my rational mind have a turn at the wheel.