music, therapy, and me

I always have both too much time and too little time to do things. It is an interesting conundrum that exists only in my own head. For example, I did very little that ended up being constructive at work yesterday because I didn't have all the things that I needed to do here at home done. So, I diddled around, doing the therapy that was scheduled, finishing my documentation for the week, and then staring into the void. I often feel this way at work - like I am not doing what I should be doing (that shoulda goblin is rearing its ugly head these days). I have so much that I want to be doing that I just can't - for all sorts of emotional reasons. I have an appointment for co-mentoring this morning in three hours, and I am facing some task paralysis. There is something I can't forget in three hours, so I cannot do anything now. Welcome to my brain. I am currently in political overwhelm and despair. This is also affecting my brain and my ability to use time in an effective manner...

This time of year is when I tend to get all overstimulated by the thought of personal and professional quests. I tend to struggle with depression as the heat increases, and one of the ways that this manifests in me is super critical thinking and evaluation of myself and what I want to do versus what I actually do. So, I tend to set unattainable quests during this season of my life. Right now, I am a bit consumed with my goblins. Let me explain... I get overly critical of myself and tend to figure this out when my thoughts and comments include the following words: COULD WOULD SHOULD (Especially SHOULD) This is my SHOULDA goblin - at least, this is how I envision him lurking around in my brain. He sneaks out when I start thinking things like "I SHOULD be reading music therapy articles instead of fiction books." Often, I can stuff those thoughts back into my brain, but it is more difficult during the summer months. So, I am currently exploring why I feel this way - that I should...

Break is ending. This is an inevitable part of every single break, and it is always the worst part of break for me. I go back to work on Monday to work for two weeks before going to my one conference this year. After that, I have another week off before the regular school year starts up again. That will be good to have time off after the World Congress and before the return to five day weeks and my church job. As I look around my office/craft space, I can see some progress. I've hung some pictures, moved things around, labeled things, and moved piles of stuff from one place to another several times. It is not finished yet, but there is progress. I moved things around in the music therapy room and in the entertainment room as well. I still have WAY too much stuff, but I know where things are at the moment, which is very nice. Break time leads me into thinking about stuff and ideas and plans for the future. I haven't been as detailed about plans and goals and all that sort of thi...

Let me get this out here from the beginning. I did no professional reading this week. I moved my books to my comfy papasan chair to encourage me to read, but I didn't touch them other than that. They are still sitting where I placed them, but now they are covered by the towels that I have used this week. The towels will be going upstairs because it is laundry day, but the books will stay put.  Yesterday, I wrote a very long post about my current state of being, but I did not publish it. There are times when I write but I don't share. I was able to work through some of my thoughts and expectations that I put on myself in a way that allowed me to distance my emotions from my realities. The last thing I did before sleep last night was to draw my goblins - my woulda, coulda, and shoulda goblins.  If you don't know, one of the things that indicates to me that my emotional brain is taking over and I need to do some self-regulation exercises is an increase in the woulda, coulda, s...

Yesterday was another rough day for my session - not for the ones that my intern ran, but MINE! I am starting to feel that this is a personal vendetta from my clients, but I know that is ridiculous. Today, I am heading into a full-moon (don't doubt, scoffers), upcoming winter storm, short-staffed, mess of a job to lead three groups. I am hoping that they will be at least a bit receptive to music therapy today. We have two other groups to go through - my intern will lead one completely and will do as much of the second as possible! In another setting event, I got home to a home without power - on webinar night. I was able to start a communication chain but had to cancel because I was unsure if the power would be on at webinar time. Sigh. At one point during my ONLY group session yesterday, there were two kids in crisis, one kid taking a break, and all sorts of situations happening. We had a new staff member in the session - don't even know the person's name - who did not app...

Now, don't worry. I am not making this statement because I tried something foolish and now know that I need the aforesaid goggles. This statement comes from many decades of trying to do various projects and then realizing that I need to think things through a bit better. So, this time, I am waiting to start using my new saw to cut my shelving down to size until I have safety goggles. I have about an hour before I head outside to clean out my car and get it over to the mechanic for a tire change. After that, I will head to Walmart for my goggles and various other things that I think I will need before heading back home to work on my project of getting my library looking the way I want it to look. Before that, though, I am sitting down to write this blog post. I am restless. You know, my down times tend to come with restless times as well. I am unsatisfied with what I am doing with my life, and that tends to lead me into thoughts about why I am doing nothing to move myself forward. M...

black background with colorful squiggles, the word Think, and the web address of musictherapyworks.com   It is amazing how much time I spend staring at a blank computer screen these days. I used to spend just as much time staring at a blank piece of paper, but my paper use has decreased for things like writing. I do most of my creative writing on the computer these days, and this (almost) daily practice of writing my blog puts me in this exact same space every single morning, staring at the cursor blinking and blinking away, ready to translate any keyboard strokes into letters, words, sentences, and paragraphs. In the more artistic art journaling world of my interests (not as much in the very narrow interpretation of bullet journaling but in more creative journaling circles), the advice is just to put pen to paper and make a mark. Any mark. Just break up the vast emptiness in front of you with the first touch of pen to paper and then see what happens next. I use this same technique...

Yesterday was a day that broke me. Not because of the inauguration - I am thrilled for our country and our direction at the moment - but because of something that happened 1500 miles away from me at my Mom's house. She had a huge tree fall in a wind storm and fall onto the neighbor's property, taking out a satellite dish and other stuff that hasn't been discovered yet, I am sure. My sister sent me one picture and I lost it. I started into hysterical sobbing and just couldn't fathom being able to lead music therapy sessions while snorting and crying and being completely taken over by my emotions, so I left my intern alone and drove home to sob in private rather than in public. I am still a bit sobby, but I have to go to work - I have no choice. I am hoping that there are no more incidents at Mom's house because I just can't cope with the things that I already have to deal with. My plate is full.  I know that this is part of the grief process. I know this. I know ...

You know how we therapists are often our own worst critics? Yep. That's me. I am the loudest when it comes to my failings and things that I "NEED TO/SHOULD" do better in all areas of my life. No one is harder on me than I am, and I carry lots of shame when others correct me or criticize how I do things. Yesterday was not a particularly bad day, but it was not my most efficient day. I filmed two videos for my YouTube channel, uploaded them both, took about three hours for a worker's compensation doctor visit, and got very little done for the rest of the day. I did do a bit of goal brainstorming (I bought 13 books from the Barcelona $10 textbook sale) for my professional development for the next year. I cleared off the loveseat (one of my decluttering foci for this week), and then started to get my reading routine off the ground. I intend to spend some of my work days in reading this year. Yesterday's reading was not done during work hours, but I had to keep myself ...

My "You SHOULD" goblin... I have a word for my year - Courage. I am striving to do things that make my stomach turn when I think of them. It has been amazing how much I avoid some things, and this outlook is making me focus on what I am avoiding and then doing something about it. My latest courageous step is something that I have never actually done before. I am NOT submitting a presentation proposal to the AMTA National Conference this year. Not a one. I have been struggling to come up with an idea that I want to talk about with other music therapists within this time frame, so I've decided not to pressure myself. Any ideas that I come up with will be offered here via my online platform rather than in the hustle and expensive bustle of conference. I'm feeling some peace about this decision. I was driving home yesterday, thinking about where to look for old ideas to resurrect and submit, and I just thought, "what if I don't submit?" All of a sud...

It is 5:07am, and I already feel like I am behind schedule. (I'm really not, but these feelings happen on a regular basis to me - it probably has a bit to do with my perfectionism and my discussion about impostor syndrome yesterday - you know, feeling like I don't really know what I'm doing and being scared that someone will discover this fact.) I have spent some time catching up with the weather, with friends and family members, and I have done part of my morning routine. I am working on the next part of my routine right now - writing my blog. I have some time for crafting on my routine, and breakfast is on the agenda. That's all that is left, but I still feel behind. Even though I am doing my routine and getting things done, my "want to-do" list is growing...and growing...and growing. I feel behind, but I want to be doing so much more. I find myself feeding my coulda/woulda/shoulda goblins more often these days, even though I know that feeding those go...

I received one of my latest frivolous spending item boxes in the mail yesterday. I got a box from Paper Crazed full of little bits of paper that I really don't need, but that I am currently purchasing and then playing with for a long time. I currently subscribe to three different boxes, and I like the one that I received yesterday the best of them all. (I've tried to stop subscribing to one of the boxes, but I got all confused and apparently did not stop it. Ugh. Okay, I've tried unsubscribing again ...we'll see how it works out.) For some reason, two boxes seem fine to get but three seem excessive. Okay. These boxes have inspired me to turn back into something that I love - making paper crafts. I've designed a couple of new products for my Teachers Pay Teachers store, and I've turned those products into actual file folder activities to use with my students. I've also been making books and tags and notebook holders and fancy decorations and other stuff. ...

I am my worst critic. Can you relate to that? I think that those of us who go into being helpers often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves that lead us into patterns of criticism directed towards ourselves. My inner critic comes out in phrases that include the following words: would, could, and especially should. I call these my goblins. When I start using these words in regards to my work, I know that I am becoming the worst version of myself. "I should have known that so-and-so would do that." "I could have prevented that situation." "If I had been thinking, I would have realized that this was going to happen." The goblins spread from thoughts and self-talk about work into self-talk about everything. "I should be cleaning my house." "I could have done this faster if I had cleaned my house." "If I could get off my pockets, I would do all these things and be better." Can you hear the problem in those statements? I...

I constantly work to improve myself. I work to increase my effectiveness and my creativity. I work to improve my knowledge of music as a therapeutic medium. I try my best to work on things that enrich my life rather than complicating it. There are times, though, when my penchant for self-improvement becomes onerous rather than productive. I am someone who has always used a calendar and journal. I have always used to-do lists and self-reflection as a part of my personal and professional lives. Right now, though, I have become a bit overwhelmed with thoughts about what I "should" be doing as part of my life rather than what I "am" doing. The preceding statement is the reason that I have three words that I call my "goblins" - would, could, and should.  I have a list of self-improvement habits that I want to get started. They include daily exercise (I have NO excuse except that I just don't like exercising), eating better (again, no excuse), being purp...

I am a bullet journaler, and I use one for both work and for home - well, kinda. It's been an interesting journey through the world of bullet journaling for myself, and I'm still finding my way to do things. Reasons Why I Like Bullet Journaling as a Time Management Technique (for me!): My to-do lists (which I HAVE to have) are in one place. My journal is my own - no one else has to see it. I can change it up to accommodate things and situations in my life. I'm using up all the journals that I seem to be compelled to collect in my life. I get to use my fancy markers to write, draw, and record stuff. I have a record of things - especially in my work journal - so I can track the use of certain TMEs or instruments or songs. Reasons Why I Don't Like Bullet Journaling: I haven't really found what works for me the best way...yet. I compare my stuff to that of others - and I always come up short of my expectations for myself. I can see what I have failed to d...

I am at the beginning of my second summer break. This is the time when my "want-to-do" list just grows and grows and then reality sets in and I realize that there is so much that I just don't want to do... I get this way at times. I have lots of things that I want to do, but not enough time in the day to do what I have to do in addition to what I want to do. My music therapy list of things I want to do is so very long. It is both heartening and disheartening to look at the spiral notebooks that hold my ideas. I am going to get something finished this week. I'm not sure what it will be, exactly, but I will finish something.  Before I get to my "want-to-do" list, I am going to write out my "not-to-do" list. I've found that this list is important so I can get myself going and not get bogged down in my "woulda, coulda, shoulda" goblins. You know the ones - the thoughts that start with "I should be..." or "If only I wo...

My major project this first summer break is reorganizing my living room/office space in my home. I have completely ripped my front room apart, and there are things all over the floor at the moment. I have piles of things to donate, to put back on the shelves, and to repurpose. I have my new desks in place with the bookshelves keeping them stable, and I am putting things in places that seem to make the most logical sense. For example, all of the file folder assembly things are in the same place and on the same set of bookshelves under the creativity desk. The reference books, compact discs, and some of the boring writing utensils are on the shelves of the writing desk. My goal is to have everything I need for my various interests within easy reach no matter what I am doing. I am also trying to keep the top of the desk areas (hollow core doors) as empty as possible to encourage me to engage in work on these surfaces.  At the moment, there is more stuff off shelves than on. Eventu...

I spend most of my life going somewhere in a bit of a hurry. Take yesterday, for example. I had a relatively leisurely morning (I woke up at the time I wanted to waken). I had time to make a lunch to take with me to work (which I left at home). I blogged, I moved around my home, and I nuzzled the cat when she sat between me and my computer. I moved myself out of the house at the usual time, but forgot the lunch I had so carefully prepared. I drove down the road at 75 miles an hour (5 miles over the speed limit - I like being a bit of a rebel, but not too much of one!), and made it to work early. I didn't want to do my documentation, but I remembered that if I didn't get it finished, I would rue that decision on Friday when I have more time for creativity and thinking. So, I did my documentation, set up the room for music therapy sessions, and sat down with my guitar. I had found an extra 45 minutes of unencumbered time! Since that almost never happens to me (I tend to ove...

Ever have one of those days where everything and anything just rubs you the WRONG way? Here we go. I'm going to blame the moon. I mean, after all, why not? Right? It's just there, waning away, every night. The moon doesn't care if I blame it for everything that is going on in my life right now. On Monday, a client walked into the music therapy room and rudely questioned, "Why aren't you absent? I don't want to do anything YOU say." Great. LOVE the attitude. That one interaction colored my day. Never mind the 62 other students that I seemed to connect with - that one student took my power to feel good about the work I was doing. Why do I allow others' opinions to affect me and what I do? I am human. I've developed a rather thick shell over the years (you have to when you work with adolescents!), but there are chinks in the shell where my emotions ooze out. Zip - right into the chink. My rational brain says things like, "Now, you don...