music, therapy, and me

Welcome to my corner of the world where it is currently storming. The thunder and lightning is going along with a steady rain. The winds haven't kicked up yet, but it will be a windy day as well as a storm-ridden time, and I am feeling restless. I had one client who cried throughout music therapy yesterday. We don't know why, but the client was presenting with a positive affect until entering the music therapy room when the client started to wail. This client does not do this often, so it was a mystery to us all. The client is non-speaking, so trying to figure it all out was difficult. I always want to change a sad mood into a happier mood, but there are times when we just need to wallow. Have you ever seen the episode of The Middle where Frankie is trying to have a good cry? Everything in her life interferes with her attempts to cry out everything that is happening in her body. I have days like that - the only thing that helps me release emotion, hormones, stress, and grief is...

Yesterday was a day off for me. I had reached the end of my compassion and was stuck in compassion fatigue, so it was time for a self-care day. I was exhausted, even after a full night of sleep, so I took some of my precious time off for yesterday. It was a quiet day where I got some things done. I took out my yard waste trash can with the remains of a branch that fell during our last windstorm. I took out my trash can as well. A load of dishes is waiting to be unloaded. The sink is clean. I picked up some stuff in my craft space. I took the read books out of my To Be Read pile and brought them downstairs to the library room. It might not sound like much, but these tasks are the ones that have been nagging me - things that can be done in less than five minutes but that are no fun for me to accomplish. Today is the last day with students before our break. I have four groups to navigate and then all I have that is structure for tomorrow is a faculty meeting. After our meeting, we will us...

I am thankful that this week is almost over. Not because of any one thing happening, but just because I need some time away from holding the anger of clients who will not be celebrating holidays with people that they love. I need some time to shed the despair of children who do not understand why they can't go home when they want to go home. I also need to rest up for the sessions next week and the continuation of all of these feelings for the next month. There is something humbling when you realize that you are a safe space for big emotions. I had this realization yesterday when a client became very angry because I turned down the amplifier that was starting to crackle. This client requires very little to get angry, and the anger turns into disruption and aggression really quickly. This is the second week in a row that I was the reason for an emotional outburst while in music therapy. I finally had the thought that music therapy is a safe space to express emotion, and that helped ...

Gentle reader. If you are here, seeking some music therapy thoughts or wisdom, please know that this is not that kind of post. Well, maybe it is, but it's not going to be entirely focused on music or therapy, but on me.  Yesterday was Talent Show day, and every Talent Show day comes with a special type of melt-down for my clients. Usually, my day is full of kids yelling at me because I don't have exactly what they envisioned (but didn't write on their sign-up forms) or panic-induced meltdowns that happen as soon as they see the entire school looking at them (we did have two of those). One kid got angry because I do not play Cardi B at all - not even the "clean" versions at school. I had the karaoke version for the student's dance, but that wasn't good enough for the student who wanted to sing but had not indicated that singing was what the talent was. I had the petty satisfaction of being able to show said student the filled out sign-up sheet, in the stude...

Now, my name is not Alexander, but I did have a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day on Monday. It was a day of ups and downs - I was accepted to present on music therapy futurism at the World Congress of Music Therapy, but I also spent about 45 minutes crying in my office after being asked to be part of a team photo and then watching my "team" not wait for me to get there. I rounded the corner as they snapped the picture and then scattered. I was told that they would try to get everyone back so I could be part of the picture, but by that point, I was in hysterics and just didn't need any further humiliation. The rest of the day was what I was expecting - Halloween in a psychiatric treatment facility is on a level beyond other Halloween experiences I have ever had - but I ended up in the throes of a horrible headache and went to sleep pretty soon after I got home. I hadn't slept much from Sunday to Monday, so I know that was part of my hysteria, but the "tea...

One of my former clients often attempted to turn me off like I was a mechanical person rather than a human. He would poke my arm and then model what he wanted me to do - with a neeeee-rm sound. I told him that he had to figure out the secret passcode in order to stop my mechanism, and I was forbidden to divulge that passcode to anyone.  I want a shut-down button. I think I am in the down part of my hormonal cycle which is getting more and more variable as I get older. It would be nice to have a button that would allow me to hibernate and let the world go on around me, but I cannot. The best thing that I can do during these times is to try to maintain my hold on my emotions the best I can. I use my self-care strategies and try new ones, and I fail. Lots. This is going to be a difficult day for me - all of the stuff that is happening is going to be emotional for me. I am already steeped in dread about everything that is going to happen tonight, and I am good at self-fulfilling prophe...

In yesterday's faculty meeting, I was informed that my music therapy space is once again being taken away from me to accommodate offices. I attempted to ask for clarification, was redirected in front of my co-workers, and then burst into tears in front of the entire faculty. My question was not answered, and now I am humiliated, very upset about not having my music therapy space secure, and ashamed of my response. I am tired of this happening to me. In my time at my facility, this particular situation has happened six different times in my ten moves around the complex. It is always interesting that I get kicked out of a treatment space in favor of giving other people offices. I am taking this very personally at the moment (rational brain is not anywhere to be seen) and did not get an answer to my question in the moment which could have settled this entire situation down if the administrator had just taken the 3 seconds to answer. I am very skittish when it comes to my space, and I ...