music, therapy, and me

Getting older is no joke. Now, if you aren't of "a certain age," then this post may not make much sense to you now, but it will eventually make a bit of sense when you start to feel that age is a contributing factor in the decisions that you make for yourself and those around you. I have spent the last week in the midst of perimenopausal emotion swings and angst and hysterical sobbing and a complete an utter failure to be able to focus on things outside of myself. My emotions, combined with personal grief, incapacitated me in my role as a therapist. I was not able to engage in therapy and so I spent my session time engaging clients in passive music experiences rather than challenging them in their goal areas. I had to do this due to my own instability and fragility. I took some time away from sessions because I didn't want to cry in front of my clients. I'm not comfortable sharing that part of myself with them. Right or wrong, it was the decision that I made for m...

This is a busy month for me. Between my church responsibilities and my holiday work responsibilities and the things that I put upon myself, I am booked pretty much solid for the next four days and then for the two weeks after that. I have to work a 12-hour day at work today, a product release tomorrow (how did it already get to be the 4th??), a CMTE on Saturday (check out the link - it is VERY affordable!!), corralling kids into the semblance of a Christmas program on Sunday morning, and then a Blue Christmas service to help lead on Sunday afternoon. Do you feel sorry for me yet? OF COURSE NOT, because we are ALL in the SAME BOAT!!! Next week, I have another 12 hour work day (ugh!) and a ten hour recording session for a CMTE I am offering through my own business. Oh, and all the other job responsibilities that go on all the time - you know, documentation, session strategizing, and working with clients. I feel like I am pretty well organized, however. I have some lists for some of...

I am spending exorbitant amounts of time these days staring at my blog page, wondering what I am going to write about. Nothing seems to be very interesting to me, and I end up just writing a little bit and then I delete it all. This is the fourth start I've made this morning - everything else has fizzled after two paragraphs. I'm in a depressive cycle right now, and it has lots to do with compassion fatigue and burnout. Today I have to confront some co-workers who overstepped their authority last week in a way that complicates my role at my facility, and I'm dwelling on that confrontation. I've agonized over what I want to say all weekend. It's ridiculous that this situation has taken over my brain and body in a way that has affected everything else that I've been doing, but it has. I'm not sure if I'm anxious about this situation or if I'm anxious and my brain has grasped onto this situation to expel that anxiety. It's quite the quandary - y...

It is officially illness season at my workplace. We are currently battling several versions of ick that are going around, and it is not unusual for kids to be sleeping when they should be schooling. We are all doing everything possible to stay healthy and not succumb to the germs that are happening. As a result, the mantra that became this title keeps going through my head. I, of course, have several songs that reinforce this concept of hand washing, and they are on repeat in my brain. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a side effect of whatever is happening around me, but those songs are on repeat. This also means lots of instrument cleaning. I think I will avoid materials that need to be touched and shared this week in my session strategizing. I'm not sure that everyone holding instruments is a good idea. Short post this morning - mainly because I am out of things to say about this topic and have lots to do this morning - wash your hands! Wash, wash, wash your ...

Breaks are always guilt-ridden times for me. I sit in my house thinking about all the things I should be doing, and I tend to fall into a pattern of self-defeat because I see all the things that need to be done, but I don't do them. Maybe a better way of doing all that I want to get done is to list the things that I have actually done during the first four days of this break. I went through all my fiction books and took out the books that I no longer want. Some of these are silly romance novels, some are science fiction/fantasy that are just parts of entire series, some are the duplicates that my Mom has collected and shared with me, and many of them are silly books from the Dollar Tree that I picked up because I can't seem to walk past a book shelf without getting something... The dishes are almost finished. I have about a quarter of a dishwasher load left to go. This has freed up much of my counter space, so I've done some work on my kitchen surfaces. I've start...

It is 5:07am, and I already feel like I am behind schedule. (I'm really not, but these feelings happen on a regular basis to me - it probably has a bit to do with my perfectionism and my discussion about impostor syndrome yesterday - you know, feeling like I don't really know what I'm doing and being scared that someone will discover this fact.) I have spent some time catching up with the weather, with friends and family members, and I have done part of my morning routine. I am working on the next part of my routine right now - writing my blog. I have some time for crafting on my routine, and breakfast is on the agenda. That's all that is left, but I still feel behind. Even though I am doing my routine and getting things done, my "want to-do" list is growing...and growing...and growing. I feel behind, but I want to be doing so much more. I find myself feeding my coulda/woulda/shoulda goblins more often these days, even though I know that feeding those go...

I have been really cranky lately.  If you've been reading my latest rants, you will see this trend going and going and going. I am not going to apologize. I am who I am, and I feel what I feel. That's that. I do, on the other hand, need to get a grip on myself and my emotions so that I can do what I need to be doing. So, I am resetting myself in 3...2...1 Here's my mantra to reset myself. I am a human being - fully and wonderfully made. My emotions, feelings, expressions, and opinions are as valid as those of others, and I must recognize that in myself. I am a human being - I will have times when I don't feel well or when I am crabby as all get out. I must acknowledge those feelings and act on them in an appropriate manner. I am a human being - There will be times when I do not act in an appropriate manner, but those actions are owned by me. I have to do what I need to do to repair relationships when I have made choices that lead to inappropriate responses...

My mother arrived at my living space yesterday - a surprise type visit (I knew it was coming a bit over a month ago - very impulsive for us to make plans in only a couple of weeks) especially since I've lived here for 23 years and this is only the second time she's come to visit me - the first was when I had surgery. This is a "just because" visit as far as I know, and now that it's happening, I'm happy to see her. The living space is not "Mom clean," but it is functional, and I am going to work around her rather than just sit and watch everything she does. Bella-cat is adjusting to sharing a living space and is absolutely DYING to get into the room that is currently off-limits (because of the inflatable bed) but is enjoying the good g'ma attention and rubs behind the ears. She's a pretty easy house guest. She is looking forward to going through my extensive library of fiction and through my craft books and supplies. I figure she'll be ...

I'm tired. I'm sick and tired and want something to change. I don't want to live in fear every time I walk into my school job. I don't want there to be signs on the door that say that we prohibit weapons. I don't want to have to attend active shooter training (which gave me intense and horrible anxiety dreams) in order to learn that there is really nothing that I can do in the case of an active shooter in my school. I am tired of it all. We're told so many conflicting things about situations like the latest in Florida. We get told that it's not the fault of the manufacturers, it's not the fault of the people who make regulatory laws about gun ownership, it's not the fault of such and such. We're told that the person who acted was an individual who chose to take advantage of the loopholes, technicalities, and FREEDOM that we are offered in this country. There will be an assumption that the person who acted was mentally ill, and there will be som...

Last year, just about this time, I was working hard on a presentation about recognizing compassion fatigue, secondary trauma, and burnout and using creative projects to decide where we wanted to go in life. I had never presented on this topic before and wanted things to make sense for those who attended. I was really stressed about the presentation because I had been in that place and found that the topic was intensely personal and difficult for me to share with others. I was horribly nervous about what I was going to say and how it would be perceived. Then, my copy of Moana arrived in the mail. Are you wondering what Moana has to do with self-care and my presentation? When it arrived, I didn't know that it would have something to do with this topic, but I was pleasantly surprised. I am a Disney nut. I have many of the movies, especially the obscure ones that most people have never experienced before. I enjoy movies, but I love Disney moves. I purchase almost all of them....

So, you may have noticed that I didn't write anything yesterday. I just couldn't bear it, so I went straight to work without writing. I got to work VERY early, but I also fit in a trip to Walmart where I wandered through the entire store and spent very little money, so the start of the day wasn't too bad. It was a rough week. I would like to make a unilateral decision that we have absolutely NO Monday holidays and switch all those holidays into Friday holidays. It is very difficult to skip an early day and find the schedule and the routine. So, my {sarcasm intended here through word choice and my internal brain inflection as I am writing} WONDERFUL week this week included being yelled at in the hallway about a situation that occurred in a different service that I had nothing to do with, by an administrator, in front of students and staff members. When I went to the administrator to communicate that I felt humiliated and that I had been maltreated, I was told {and I qu...

Today's to-do list is a combination of the necessary (but mundane) and challenging (and open to all sorts of possibilities). I must do some cleaning - the kitchen needs it, the bathrooms need it, and basically, every thing needs it around here. There are dishes to do and laundry to clean. I also have some CMTE course content to create. (I still get a strange thrill when I get to say that!! P-165! ) I need letterhead and materials for course demonstration elements. I need to spend some time in Paypal organizing things. I need to structure my website a bit differently. The list keeps getting bigger and bigger all the time. It is also my Saturday - the only day of the week that I don't have to work outside of my home. That means that I can take a nap when I need to, and I often feel the need to do so during the early afternoons. I will chip away at the tasks that are on my list, but I will relax about getting everything finished - there will always be more to put on the to-do li...

Today is the culmination of months of planning - The Luau at the Zoo. We made it through this super-secret planning time with only three students asking questions. One made a statement that the luau was today. I am really looking forward to next year when the super-secret special event (S-SSE) will NOT be a luau. Then, when students say things like, "The luau is tomorrow," I will be able to honestly say, "Nope. There is no luau tomorrow." It won't take our day students long before they figure us all out and change their terminology, but we'll have them snockered for a year or two. We have two bouncy things. One is an alligator where students will enter through the mouth and exit out of the tail (I find that really funny, for some reason). The other has a couple of slides, a secret pathway, and two basketball-type goals. I don't envy the person who has to be in that thing to provide supervision. (I cannot tolerate constant movement without getting sic...

This is one of those times when I am slacking on my self-care, and it is starting to take its toll on me. I can tell. Some of this self-care issue is schedule-based. It's been a busy couple of weeks. The complicated schedule continues with special events, lots of appointments, and things that need to be done NOW to accommodate the schedules of others. Most of this will be over by Thursday, but not all of it. I need to take time to do what I know needs to be done, and I will start out on a healthier path of care of self and others. One of the things that I am striving to do in my quest back to self-care is making music just for me. That isn't enough, though. I have a day off on Friday which will include a visit to the car dealer for a recall repair. I'm a bit nervous about that because the lady who scheduled it said that they wouldn't let me just wait in the lobby, but would have to take me somewhere else. I'm not sure why that is, but I guess I will get into t...

Lately, I've been spending lots of time thinking about what I want to do and where I want to be later on in my life. This has lots to do with the fact that my parents have recently retired and are starting up trusts and talking about what my siblings and I will do when my parents have died. It also has something to do with a presentation I'm giving in three weeks about getting out of a professional slump. I've been spending time thinking deeply about what I want from life - both now and in the future (near and far). I'm identifying things that fulfill me and things that cause me unnecessary stress. I am thinking about where I need to be going in order to find the future that I want. The first step I took was to think about my personal life. Where do I want to be at some point? I want to live in a place where it is difficult to see the neighbors. I want wired internet access (which will make not seeing neighbors more challenging). I want to have space enough to walk ...

It's Thursday, and that means it is intern webinar day. I run a free webinar series for interns every couple of months or so, and the topics range from being a leader to marketing to time management. (By the way, if you are interested in more information on my webinars, click here .) Tonight's webinar topic is "Self-Care and the Music Therapist." I always seem to schedule this particular webinar topic when I am the most stressed. This is a good thing as it reminds me of my own self-care practices (or lack thereof) and promotes the idea that self-care is something crucial in the daily life of every therapist. I have the opportunity to remember why it is important to take time to be mindful of self. Currently, I am getting a presentation together, thinking about a sermon for Sunday (one that can be easily chopped up and adjusted to accommodate others), coordinating registration for the Online Conference for Music Therapy , running music therapy groups, trying to fig...

This morning, I awoke very early with a list of the things that I have to get done running through my head. This, unfortunately, isn't all that unusual for me, but the nature of the things on the list were a bit different from the usual. Today's list included filing taxes for the non-profit I work for, filing my own taxes (I'm almost ready for that one), starting a presentation I'm giving in two weeks but that is due on Saturday, new recordings for my website, doing laundry so I could wear my uniform today, finding resources for the sermon I have to give on Sunday at one of my other part-time jobs, and coordinating the upcoming Online Conference for Music Therapy. This is the time of year where I get overwhelmed by things very quickly and have little to no motivation to do what I should be doing. This is the time of year when I spend lots of time in "self-care" which is not really "self-care" but is "avoiding my responsibilities." That is...

I've been struggling with blog post timings lately. I also feel like most of what I'm writing is not really all that interesting, so I've started posts that have never made it to the light of day (or the computer screen). I've had some late mornings, so blogging went by the wayside as I tried to get to work before the ice started or to finish coordinating my new music therapy room. I feel like I'm out of the loop when it comes to what is happening in the greater music therapy world. I have no idea what is happening in the area of state authorizations or education regulations or anything else. I feel like my music therapy world has shrunk to my little corner of the globe, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I still feel like I am in a rut when it comes to writing about music therapy. It's time to break out of that rut and find smooth ground again. You lucky readers, you! You get to go through my stream of consciousness right now as I try to figure ...

It's no secret that part of my work life is that of church musician and Director of Music. I work for a small, rural, Methodist church in between two major cities in my state, and I have been there for many years. It is a break from music therapy but is still music-related and offers a place for performance as well as spiritual replenishment for me and others. One of the traditions that I love comes in several of our rituals that happen during worship. The pastor greets us with the phrase, "Peace be with you." We respond with, "And also with you." I love that greeting and find that it has so many different applications, especially outside the walls of the church. Today, I want to offer that phrase to all of you. Peace be with you. I've been surrounded by conflict and negativity lately. It's happening on the radio, in social media, in my own brain as things are rapidly changing. People that I know pretty well seem to be wrapped up in continuing ...

It's another 44 hour work week, and bed was just too tempting to get up when my light went on at 4am so I kept my eyes closed until 5am and now I have exactly 18 minutes before I have to leave for my day job to get in the 10 hours I need to work today. (Run on sentence! I would only get 1 point for that in Ms. Stark's English Class.) ANYWAY - This is Spirit Week at work. Ugh. Today is supposed to be "wear all white" day. I don't have all white, so I am just going to wear my sweat pants (because I can also wear winter clothing). I have three groups, two lesson sessions, and one individual to see in music therapy today as well as an all-school special event to set up this afternoon. Tomorrow is the special event and something else for Spirit Week. This month continues to get busier and busier. In the middle of the hustle and bustle, I have to remind myself to take time to engage in something for me...and I do. I will spend some time in the afternoon (planning/pr...