music, therapy, and me

Now, my name is not Alexander, but I did have a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day on Monday. It was a day of ups and downs - I was accepted to present on music therapy futurism at the World Congress of Music Therapy, but I also spent about 45 minutes crying in my office after being asked to be part of a team photo and then watching my "team" not wait for me to get there. I rounded the corner as they snapped the picture and then scattered. I was told that they would try to get everyone back so I could be part of the picture, but by that point, I was in hysterics and just didn't need any further humiliation. The rest of the day was what I was expecting - Halloween in a psychiatric treatment facility is on a level beyond other Halloween experiences I have ever had - but I ended up in the throes of a horrible headache and went to sleep pretty soon after I got home. I hadn't slept much from Sunday to Monday, so I know that was part of my hysteria, but the "tea...

There is something challenging about being awake after only four hours of sleep for the second day in a row that just makes me crabby. I have already been up for four hours, and it is only 3:37 am right now. I still have two and a half hours before I absolutely have to head out to work, and I have already written a private post to this blog. That one will not be published. This one will. I am exhausted. I am currently in a depressive state which is complicated by the high heat in my area of the world and exacerbated by my recent bout of COVID. I am tired. I am crabby. I am magnifying small things into huge things and devoting too much of my attention to these small things. I know all these things. Being conscious of these things helps me to move forward and through these feelings and emotions and actions. I know that the actions of others have NOTHING to do with me, but I tend to take their actions personally. I am stepping up my mantras and my reality checks. I have six more work days...

One of my former clients often attempted to turn me off like I was a mechanical person rather than a human. He would poke my arm and then model what he wanted me to do - with a neeeee-rm sound. I told him that he had to figure out the secret passcode in order to stop my mechanism, and I was forbidden to divulge that passcode to anyone.  I want a shut-down button. I think I am in the down part of my hormonal cycle which is getting more and more variable as I get older. It would be nice to have a button that would allow me to hibernate and let the world go on around me, but I cannot. The best thing that I can do during these times is to try to maintain my hold on my emotions the best I can. I use my self-care strategies and try new ones, and I fail. Lots. This is going to be a difficult day for me - all of the stuff that is happening is going to be emotional for me. I am already steeped in dread about everything that is going to happen tonight, and I am good at self-fulfilling prophe...

In yesterday's faculty meeting, I was informed that my music therapy space is once again being taken away from me to accommodate offices. I attempted to ask for clarification, was redirected in front of my co-workers, and then burst into tears in front of the entire faculty. My question was not answered, and now I am humiliated, very upset about not having my music therapy space secure, and ashamed of my response. I am tired of this happening to me. In my time at my facility, this particular situation has happened six different times in my ten moves around the complex. It is always interesting that I get kicked out of a treatment space in favor of giving other people offices. I am taking this very personally at the moment (rational brain is not anywhere to be seen) and did not get an answer to my question in the moment which could have settled this entire situation down if the administrator had just taken the 3 seconds to answer. I am very skittish when it comes to my space, and I ...

Trigger Warning: This post includes conversation about the deaths that my family has experienced recently.   I woke up extra early this morning and could tell it was nowhere near time to get up. I rolled over and actually went to sleep (which is unusual for me). I then dreamed. Now, I don't usually remember dreams unless they are full of negative emotions, and these dreams were just that - full of grief. For some reason, William Shatner was in the first part of the dream and the second half took place in the kitchen and hallway of the church that I grew up in back many decades ago (but that still looks exactly the same as it did back then). There were two people who had lost their adult children in the span of my dream - William and another person (I remember recognizing her, but I cannot remember who it is now). I was there when both of them heard about their loved ones. I woke up fully engulfed in my grief for them and in my own grief. There was just too much similarity between m...

I am feeling pretty good today - lots less of the hysterics that have been happening the past two days and lots more of the rational brain kicking in (so far, at least). I thank you for reading over my posts lately. I know that these emotions are not comfortable for me to have or to share, but the ability to write things down and then put them out in the world is an important part of my process in handling things that I am uncomfortable with - and sharing my feelings is one of those things that I have difficulty doing. Isn't it strange that I have difficulty sharing my own feelings? This is literally what I encourage my clients to do all the time - share how they feel. Yet, when someone asks me, I tend to just cry. That is my emotional communication style. I cry. I always have, and I hate crying in front of other people because I always cry. I try to stuff my emotional response down as far as I can, but I also know that stuffing emotions is not healthy. It's a strange conundrum...

Yesterday was a day that broke me. Not because of the inauguration - I am thrilled for our country and our direction at the moment - but because of something that happened 1500 miles away from me at my Mom's house. She had a huge tree fall in a wind storm and fall onto the neighbor's property, taking out a satellite dish and other stuff that hasn't been discovered yet, I am sure. My sister sent me one picture and I lost it. I started into hysterical sobbing and just couldn't fathom being able to lead music therapy sessions while snorting and crying and being completely taken over by my emotions, so I left my intern alone and drove home to sob in private rather than in public. I am still a bit sobby, but I have to go to work - I have no choice. I am hoping that there are no more incidents at Mom's house because I just can't cope with the things that I already have to deal with. My plate is full.  I know that this is part of the grief process. I know this. I know ...

I didn't blog for an entire week - mainly because grief caught up with me and kept me from doing much of anything. When I woke up on Monday morning, I couldn't face the idea of going to work, so I opted to take my bereavement leave. I spent three days doing things around the house, attempting to help my sister with changing passwords and arranging account information (which I failed at since everything has to be authenticated and I live two hours ahead and do not have access to Dad's cellphone...), and then deciding that it was finally time to put my bedroom into a new configuration. That project is still 77% finished - it has remained in that state since Wednesday when I got tired of it all. All I need to do is to finish the decluttering thing and throw stuff that I no longer want or need completely away! I went back to work on Thursday and Friday and did pretty well. One of my clients stated that his dog died during break, and I almost lost it, but I was able to keep my c...

I have decreed it to be so, so it shall be so! I started crying this morning when I saw a suicide prevention public announcement encouraging people to engage others in small talk. To be completely honest, this type of crying is not unusual for me at all. My primary emotional outlet is tears and always has been, so having a crying day is not strange. It is normal. Today, however, I think I am going to refrain from some of my "work-from-home" foci to allow myself to be able to burst into tears at any moment without fear of being on video. I think today may be a planning/visual aid/TME development type of day. I can work on music production without having to be filmed, so red, swollen eyes will not be a problem. Why is today declared a "Crying Day?" There is no specific reason, just more of the roller coaster things that are happening in the lives of others at this point. I am physically fine - things are at my normal for this time of year other than the broken fingers...

Oh, it is happening again. I am staring at my screen, avoiding a task that I have to get done here but that I am scared to do. It is something that I've been dreaming about for a couple of weeks now, but I have to get it done. It is due tomorrow, so the time crunch is on now. It has to be finished by this evening so I can upload it all. Have I even opened it up yet?? Nope. I have been taking every excuse I can to avoid sitting down and just doing this! It is time to get over my fear of failure and get going! A friend of mine posted a quote from Aaron Sorkin that struck a chord with me in my current state - “You call it procrastinating. I call it thinking.” – Aaron Sorkin. There comes a time, though, when thinking is taken over by fear - at least in my case. I think some of my procrastination is definitely affected by fear. I don't want to produce a substandard product, so I don't even want to try. My emotional brain is fully behind this fear. It lives in the space between w...

Does anyone out there besides me know the music of Man of La Mancha ? I only ask because there is a song going through my head right now. (It's below, by the way!) I'm not sure why this song is sticking except that I am having to paste such a countenance on my face quite often these days. I am tired of having to wear such a countenance. I really am, but it is somewhat difficult to find other expressions to wear these days. So, add my voice to those of the world who are tired of the restrictions that we have to bear these days. I am tired of it all, but I will still abide by it all. Perhaps that is what being an adult is all about - not liking something, but realizing that it is important, so doing it anyway. I am identifying with this song a bit more than usual. It interests me that the song is meant to be a celebration of the deeds of this woeful person. It offers this sad man some recognition of what he has had to do and he seems to be uplifted by that same recognition. Is th...

Am I part of a reality show that tests morals and ethical behaviors?? If so, am I winning?? For the last three days, there have been two packages outside my door that are not for me. They are from Sweetwater which is a music equipment company that I have never been able to order from - they tend to be a bit more expensive than I can usually afford. When I walked into my hallway on Wednesday to see these boxes sitting outside my door, I was thrilled! Someone decided I needed a new guitar!!! Joy! Rapture!! What?? My rational mind knew that these were not for me. My family knows not to buy me a guitar - guitar selection tends to be a pretty personal process - I'm not usually too picky, but my Dad (who is the only one who would even think about doing this) knows that I would rather choose my own instrument than just to find one on my doorstep. My emotional mind, on the other hand, was jumping up and down! A new guitar!! What was in the other box?? Maybe an amplifier?? I could use...

I am currently full of diverse and challenging emotions - some are my own and others seem to have arrived from other people. I am trying really hard to figure out what to attend to and what to express and what to ignore and what to stuff and what to experience. It is not easy when emotions start to take over. I have written many different posts about my rational mind and my emotional mind. I seem to be on the brink of an emotional mind takeover, and I am trying to get my rational mind interested in stepping up and remaining in charge of my interactions with the world. It is not easy for me, but my usual systems are made for this type of time, and they help me remain on track. Come on, you know I'm going to say it! Bullet Journal!! To-Do Lists!! For now, the NOT-To-Do List is essential to my continued rational perspective of my corner of the world!!! My bullet journal has a copy of my to-do list. I have some self-imposed deadlines that I will not be meeting unless I really s...

DISCLAIMER: This is another rant. It is also a way to express some of the frustrations and things that are currently happening. I've written time and time again how this blog is about music, therapy, and ME - and that things that I write about are not always fluffy pink and blue thoughts. This is definitely NOT a fluffy pink and blue thought type of post. At the same time, I do think that it is important to write about all things that affect my life and my role in this world as a music therapist. So, here we go...(you've been warned!)... I am very sensitive today. This is a culmination of many different things, including my grief and the end of the school year, and waking up so very early on this Friday morning. I'm sure that my hormones are acting up as well, so it's really a perfect storm of all things able to prime me into a hissy fit all coming together at once. I REALLY dislike it when someone takes it upon themselves to change my work without talking to m...

My "You SHOULD" goblin... I have a word for my year - Courage. I am striving to do things that make my stomach turn when I think of them. It has been amazing how much I avoid some things, and this outlook is making me focus on what I am avoiding and then doing something about it. My latest courageous step is something that I have never actually done before. I am NOT submitting a presentation proposal to the AMTA National Conference this year. Not a one. I have been struggling to come up with an idea that I want to talk about with other music therapists within this time frame, so I've decided not to pressure myself. Any ideas that I come up with will be offered here via my online platform rather than in the hustle and expensive bustle of conference. I'm feeling some peace about this decision. I was driving home yesterday, thinking about where to look for old ideas to resurrect and submit, and I just thought, "what if I don't submit?" All of a sud...

I am amazed at how quickly people move from hearing something - a name, a decision made by someone else, an opinion - and go straight into an emotional response based on very little other than emotion. Now, I am not immune to this type of response, but I have become a bit more aware of when it is happening to me. When I start to make decisions based in and on my feelings about something with very little regard for thought, fact, or research, I call this being taken over by my emotional brain. On the other side of things is being taken over by my rational brain. That side is the part of me that takes time to make a decision. It is the brain that wants facts, opinions with commentary, and sound research to make the case for whatever I am trying to decide. I tend to be more in my rational brain when it comes to making large decisions, but my emotional brain does take over, on occasion. I have learned to recognize when I am responding in a purely emotional manner, and I continue to l...

My major project this first summer break is reorganizing my living room/office space in my home. I have completely ripped my front room apart, and there are things all over the floor at the moment. I have piles of things to donate, to put back on the shelves, and to repurpose. I have my new desks in place with the bookshelves keeping them stable, and I am putting things in places that seem to make the most logical sense. For example, all of the file folder assembly things are in the same place and on the same set of bookshelves under the creativity desk. The reference books, compact discs, and some of the boring writing utensils are on the shelves of the writing desk. My goal is to have everything I need for my various interests within easy reach no matter what I am doing. I am also trying to keep the top of the desk areas (hollow core doors) as empty as possible to encourage me to engage in work on these surfaces.  At the moment, there is more stuff off shelves than on. Eventu...

I have a case of the grumps - that mood where there just isn't anything that makes me happy and everything just makes me a bit angry. It's silly things, really - my father's ultra conservative posts on Facebook, the fact that the cat wants to cuddle at times when I do not, all the food that I have in the cabinet that just doesn't sound appetizing to me at all, the list just goes on and on. Nothing is really serious, so I'm thinking this is the product of hormones, and I am very grateful that I have another day off before I have to work around others.   It is time to spend some time in my own company. I don't think I'll get an early morning phone call from my father - my family is going to the memorial service for my second cousin once removed today. I'm not going because I am the only one who doesn't live in California. Grump. I have to make a choice - do I let the grumps take over my life? Or do I work through them. I choose to work through t...

I am currently involved in a new project - a collaborative project that takes me a bit out of my comfort zone. I am currently struggling a bit with how to proceed in this new project, and I think it's because I don't really know how to talk in this situation. (Do you hear that?? THAT sound is my father laughing and laughing about the statement, "I don't really know how to talk..." For some reason, he thinks that all I do is talk and talk and talk... Silly Dad!) Now, Dad is right in some respect, I can talk your ear off if you ask me what I do for a living. I can speak the intellectual disability and childhood psychiatric music therapy talk all day long. If you have a general question about music therapy, I'm your best source! This is a language I have been speaking for almost 3 decades (including my schooling), so I know that talk. The problem here seems to be that I am not really sure how to talk about this new idea. The target audience is completely ...