music, therapy, and me

When I last wrote, my future was very unclear to me. At this point, my future is still unclear, but I know that I will NOT be having to rearrange all sorts of stuff to accommodate surgery. Turns out that I have a partial tendon rupture in my left middle finger to go along with a fractured left ring finger, but my hand specialist thinks that three months of splinting will heal things up a bit. Now, while I am grateful that I am not trying to juggle two interns and significant time off from work, I am still a bit scared about what this hand injury means for my future, but I am going to try to focus on other things now. Thank you for reading about this. 2020 has really been strange, hunh? So, me and my very strong left-side dominant self are trying to figure out how I am going to do even the most basic of things. My recent self-care practices are on hold because I can't use my left hand to do much of anything. Writing is out, typing is difficult, but I still need to be engaging in sel...

I am probably not going to be writing lots on my blog for a bit - and here's why... I am currently having to navigate something that has only happened once before with me, and that is a life-changing injury. The last one was a total ACL repair on my left knee, and this one is a tendon tear in my left hand middle finger. I'm not going to share how this happened, it is not relevant, but I am currently wavering between "it will all be okay" and "I'll never be able to play the guitar again!" I think this will come out the former rather than the latter, but those pesky other thoughts keep bursting into my head! While there is never a good time for something like this, the timing of this situation has hit me hard. I now hove to figure out how to juggle a new intern, a current intern, AND my job in a way that will be able to fit around surgery, recovery, and rehabilitation. I have to find someone who can drive me to my appointments, and I have to figure all of ...

I think I sprained a finger in my left hand yesterday. I know I slammed my left thumb in the filing cabinet at work (in front of clients - I managed NOT to color the air with obscenities, but it was CLOSE). I now have a bloody nose and am just sitting here wondering about why I am so klutzy at the moment. Now, I am almost always prone to accidents - sensory integration issues from birth, etc. - but these things seem to cluster. I am not graceful. I tend to break, sprain, and injure things more than the usual person. I also cannot coordinate many movements without extreme task analysis and practicing the small elements of each movement. Dancing a routine is something that takes LOTS of intense work for me. Add in some gravitational insecurity and a balance disorder, and you start to see what life is like for me. Over the years, I've learned to compensate. This is the only way of being that I know, so this is the way I move through life. (Sometimes I need a uniform of bubble wr...

Ugh. Yesterday's sessions started with a headbutt to the nose which caused my nose to bleed off and on for about 45 minutes, led to tenderness, and the start of some bruising. It also led to worker's compensation forms, questioning from my dad, and lots of compulsive looks in mirrors to stare at my nose. The question that continues to plague me is, "Has my nose ALWAYS curved to the left like that?" Do we ever really talk about the marks that clients can make on us? I work with kids who have failed in every other education setting that they've been in. They tend to strike with hands, fists, and heads before thinking. They seem to have no awareness of what their actions do to others. Some of them do this out of a need for survival - they were taught that hurting others was the way to get something for you that meant that you didn't have to do something that scared you. Some of them do this because they can - that's the situation with the client yesterday...

I took a day off yesterday to celebrate something that's been a long time coming - my release from care for a work-related injury. Eighteen months ago, I ripped my left Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) completely. This was during a behavior management situation with a client where I twisted the wrong way after being pushed. As a result, I've had 18 months of braces to support the knee, surgery, pain medications, crutches, therapy, and now, release from care. My knee doesn't feel exactly like it did before it got broken, but it is SO much better than it was before surgery (which occurred exactly one year from this day). The recovery process was tedious and at times excruciating, but the therapy worked and I am able to walk with confidence now. I am still hesitant about jumping and running, but I am going to work on those movements to decrease my anxiety. I am guessing that eventually my knee will feel normal to me, but it doesn't quite feel that way now. Anyway. I to...

This seems to be one of these days when I just cannot focus on anything long enough to generate entire paragraphs, so here's what's happening in my life these days... I passed physical behavior management re-certification yesterday. This is a BIGGIE in my life right now because I haven't had to do these skills for 13 months. The residual pain is what I experienced before my injury, so nothing out of the ordinary. HOORAY! CELEBRATIONS! ANTHEMS OF JOY!!! We have a potential big donor stopping by today who "is really intrigued by music therapy." This big donor is not interested in funding music therapy (or, at least the facility isn't interested in the big donor funding music therapy), but he has expressed an interest in meeting me and talking to me about music therapy. I am thrilled and nervous, but I think it will go well. I am in the midst of another OMTF episode - (Old Music Therapy Fogey). Why is it that other people cannot use the resources available to...

So, I did something that I don't usually do when it comes to blogging - I skipped two days in a row! I try to blog every day, but there are times when I just cannot sit down and write. I had two of those days in a row this weekend. Strange. I did try to write something, but it didn't happen. I was a bit angsty because I hadn't heard anything about my AMTA presentation proposals, but that's since passed. Now, I am getting back into the routine of writing about something therapy-like on a daily basis. Today, I return to work after a week away. I have three group sessions and (I think) three individual sessions as well. That's right. I have some individual sessions to do today. Finally. 361 days after being injured, I get to go back to what I consider an adequate music therapy schedule. Individual sessions! To be completely honest, I am a bit scared of moving on. I know that I can do this - after all, I've been doing this for 23 years - but it's going to be...

In my professional life, I work with many clients who have difficulty with impulsiveness. Some flit from place to place, topic to topic, activity to activity in mere seconds. Some move from positive interactions with others to negative interactions with others in the blink of an eye. My clients often don't have much awareness of the consequences of their behaviors until they have gone through the behaviors. After the fact, they can process through the ramifications of their actions, but they have no future thought when it comes to decisions that they face. I was impulsive yesterday. I was driving home after an okay Wednesday (hooray!!), and I became very homesick. I haven't been home in 18 months which is an extremely long time for me. I didn't have a choice about traveling because I had to go to surgery, recover, and find some financial footing after dealing with Worker's Compensation and salary implications. ANYWAY... The wave of homesickness just plain old took...

I am starting to fill up the gaps in my music therapy schedule with individual music therapy treatment times. This is a great feeling. I'll start individual treatment on July 11th when we come back for our second session of our Extended School Year. I'll get things going for three weeks, reevaluate, and then start up again when the regular school session starts. I am excited about getting back into this type of therapy. I've missed it, but there's something else going on. I'm a bit scared. You would think that my 23+ years of being a therapist would make things lots easier for me to jump back into this type of therapy interaction, but I am a bit scared still. I think most of these feelings have to do with forced light duty and almost a year of being out of my comfortable routine. I know that some of these feelings are rooted in fears of being hurt again. I don't want to be hurt again. I know that many of these feelings are somewhat irrational, but they sti...

If you've been someone who reads this blog every single day, then you know that I was injured at work last year (almost a year ago now). I was involved with a client who left supervision, barged into the music therapy room, tore up my expensive keyboard, and engaged in aggression. During my attempt to assist the client in staying safe, the client pushed me, my knee twisted, and something popped. I went down. Turns out, I completely tore my left Anterior Cruciate Ligament, and my life has changed since that time. You wouldn't think that something as small as an ACL could affect many things, but I'm here to tell you that this injury has changed lots of things in my life. Enough dwelling on the past. It's time to look at the future. Today, I get to take CPR and First Aid. I have been certified in CPR and First Aid since I was 14 years old, and this is the first time in a long time that I haven't been a card carrying member of those who can assist others. I was to...

The termination process has begun. I've only ever been on the client side of termination one time before now, when I was in counseling during my junior year of college, and that really wasn't too bad. The expectation was that the counseling would stop when the semester ended. I knew it at the beginning and didn't really notice any termination techniques during that time. I'm noticing now. I think I have about three more weeks of physical therapy left before I am finished. No one will really say anything about timelines (which I hate), but the insurance company has authorized treatment through my six-month post-surgery appointment at the beginning of June. So, the physical therapist has started the topic of termination. I bet that most of his clients don't realize what is going on, but I do. I have experience being on the other side of things. You start to talk about how far the client has progressed. You continue with discussion about how to maintain the level r...

I am in a strange place in my rehabilitation process. If you don't know by now, (welcome, reader!) I had a complete tear of my left Anterior Cruciate Ligament last July. It was in a work-related incident where a client became very destructive towards my $1200 keyboard. I got pushed, I twisted, and the knee just popped. I had surgery to replace the ACL in December, and I started physical therapy in January. I've been in PT almost every week since that time. (I had to skip one week when my PT was completely booked - not my fault and the only "break" I've had since my injury.) I am currently feeling both accomplished and depressed about my injury as well as my recovery. I think I've hit the "But I Should Be Completely Better By Now" wall in my recovery process. I can recognize how far I've progressed in my recovery. After all, I can now bend my knee almost as much as I can bend the other knee. I walk without support (except at work where I still...

I originally titled this post "Getting Back to 'Normal'," but then realized that I really hate the word "normal" when talking about expectations and people, so I decided that "usual" would be a better descriptor for what I mean about what is happening right now. For the moment, "usual" means getting back to my brain function in a more regular way. As I wrote last night, medication is fascinating, especially when you can distinguish what is caused by medication and what is caused by your own body. I changed from one form of pain pill to a different one yesterday morning and the difference has been amazing. I can think in more than just one brief thought today. I started this morning with a meeting for the Online Conference for Music Therapy where we followed up on several tasks for the conference in February. Keep an eye on the website for details about registration and presentations coming soon (as soon as I get some of my tasks done...

The brain is starting to work (I think) after three days of heavy duty medications that made me a bit loopy. I switched medications at 3 am this morning when I woke up, and then fell back asleep immediately. When I woke up again, I was able to focus my eyes, think a bit, and make a plan for the day. Chemistry is quite amazing, especially when you are the beneficiary. So, I spent the day watching television, trolling social media, and doing some stretching. I changed my dressing all by myself a bit ago. I am now back in bed, elevating the new ACL, and am waiting the nightly phone calls from my family members. The cat is grooming - she's been smack up against me most of the time and hasn't walked too far away from me since I came home from the surgery center. She's not very good at fetching things, but she's excellent at lowering the blood pressure - she's got a wonderful purr! So now it is time to start working again. I don't spend lots of time just sitting a...

Tomorrow is the end of my injury and the beginning of my recuperation and recovery. At this time tomorrow, I will be a mess. No water, no distractions, nothing to keep me from my anxiety except for my own mantras and breathing. Today, however, is another story. Today, I can have water, I can find distractions, and I can continue to clean to counteract my anxiety. My home is looking pretty good, but it is not ready to be declared "clean-ish" yet. Long story short, I have lots of stuff and limited space to put the stuff in. My to-do list is shrinking a bit as well. I have finished all of my Christmas shopping and, by the end of today, it will be on it's way to California and North Carolina. I still have lots of work to do in the living room, but much of that is towels, so it will be cleaner when the towels are washed and dried. The rest is paper stuff that I should have organized and thrown away many months ago. By today, it will be neater. Tomorrow I can spend some of ...

It is almost time for Thanksgiving break, and therefore, the beginning of my foray into new medical adventures. I have been spending time trying to anticipate needs post-surgery. I have a portable ice maker, 10 new movies, updated my Roku situation, have ordered two ethernet cables so I can do things with the computer from my room, and a slew of new books to read (most of them continuations of other series, so I get to re-read the series as well! I bought the ingredients of many freezable meals so I can make them this weekend, freeze them up, and then re-heat when I am hobbling around. I've been working on my music therapy room as well. There are things for students to do without me - books to read, games to play, the parachute, dance routines, individual projects to work on, videos to watch, and card games of all sorts. I need to move the drum set from its usual place to my desk area (to discourage fingers from "fixing" the set while I'm gone). The rest of the room...

Yesterday I found out that I still have traces of pneumonia, so it is very likely that I will not be having my ACL surgery next week as planned. The surgeon's questionnaire asked if I had pneumonia in the past six weeks, and the bell in my head started tolling. Rationally, I understand why it's not a good idea to put anesthesia into the mix of fluid-filled lungs, but my emotional mind is all over the place. I've felt very much like Shrodinger's cat lately. Or maybe I've felt like the observers of that cat. There are two realities for me right now. The first reality, the one I prefer at this point but which I think is out of my reach now, is surgery on Tuesday with the start of recovery and therapy on schedule as planned. The second reality is postponing surgery to Thanksgiving time, getting my lungs completely clear and healthy again, and then starting the process later than hoped for, but in a way that has less health risk. Until yesterday afternoon and my most r...

I'd like you to meet Mildred. Mildred is the newest member of my personal circle, and she provides me with "gentle strength." This cage of bars, neoprene pads, hinges, and velcro has supported my knee for the past month, and has at least 10 more days to go before Mildred is set aside (for at least a short time) in favor of Arnold, my immobilizer. Isn't it amazing that we have devices and things like this available to us when we need them? I just marvel on this fact. In the old days, an injury like the one I have would have pretty much been a permanent thing. I would be limping and on crutches (at least) for the rest of my life. These days, I go in for a 6-hour surgery and voila! I start working that new ligament so it can work properly. One of the interesting things about Mildred is that she is an attention-getter. When I'm not working, I go out in my shorts because pants are just too hot and skirts are too fluffy for Walmart. I am amazed at how many peopl...

I broke my Anterior Cruciate Ligament six weeks ago. I was pushed, twisted, and my knee popped. I haven't been able to walk without my immobilizer since July 16th, and I am tired. As the claim is through Worker's Compensation, I don't have to pay for any of my treatment, but I do have to wait for them to coordinate treatment, authorize treatment, and tell me when I can access treatment. It's a bit frustrating. Last week, I got a call that the doctor would be able to see me on September 11th. I was happy to have an appointment, but I wasn't really thrilled about another 3 weeks in the immobilizer (AKA Arnold). On Monday, I called the doctor to see if I needed to assist in getting my medical records to them. They had the process well in hand. Later, they called me to ask if I could see the doctor on this Friday (yesterday!) instead of the 11th. I jumped (well, not literally) at the chance. I went to the doctor yesterday. There were many people there. I waited almo...

So, yesterday pretty much vacuumed.  It started off with a surprise violence in the workplace inservice right in the middle of the "guaranteed work time" that I was counting on to get some things done in my music therapy room. The inservice was complete with videos of hostage situations in schools and school board meetings, and all of that. Things were very graphic, and I cried during most of the videos (so did the Art Therapist, so I don't feel bad about my tears).  I spent most of the day in a hateful haze.  Teachers complained about the schedule after the assistant principal had rubber stamped it. She caved, and we had to change our schedules to accommodate them. I lost 2 hours of treatment time with that change. I had to sit through additional training. You know that t-shirt that says, "I survived yet another meeting that should have just been an email?" That's totally how meetings go at my place of work. Everything could be set up in a quick onl...