music, therapy, and me

I am going to do something that I rarely do on this blog. I am going to talk about politics, safety, and fear. I do not like delving into politics (especially) in any public forum because I feel that my opinions about political figures and systems are private and not open to argument, but I've been crying all morning about the school shootings in Uvalde, Texas, and I need to process all of these emotions in a way that will help me sort through my thoughts. I am scared. I am mourning. I am angry. My sister is heading to her school this morning for the last two days of her school year. It is a tradition that the local fire station comes over, gives the kids a discussion about fire safety, and then squirts the kids with the trucks. I am scared that she will be standing outside with her students. I am scared that she will have to be huddled in her classroom. I am scared that she will have to protect the students in her school in a way that might take her from my family. I am more scare...

Note: This post is all about my Father's death last year. This may be a trigger for those who are not comfortable with expressions of grief. Today is the first anniversary of my Dad's death. It is also my Mom's 77th birthday. This is a problem for us because we can't NOT recognize Mom, but we are all missing Dad even more on this day since it is the anniversary of his leaving. Mom is not sure how she wants to mark either of these occasions. I am trying really hard to do my own celebration of life - both the life that ended and the life that is going on - today. I am not sure how to do this, though. My Dad's death was the first death in my nuclear family. My grandparents have died, great aunts and uncles have died, but this was the first time that my immediate family changed significantly through death. Our family unit changed. Dad is no longer on the end of the telephone line. He's no longer there to talk me down when I am too caught up in my emotional brain to ...

Yesterday was a day that broke me. Not because of the inauguration - I am thrilled for our country and our direction at the moment - but because of something that happened 1500 miles away from me at my Mom's house. She had a huge tree fall in a wind storm and fall onto the neighbor's property, taking out a satellite dish and other stuff that hasn't been discovered yet, I am sure. My sister sent me one picture and I lost it. I started into hysterical sobbing and just couldn't fathom being able to lead music therapy sessions while snorting and crying and being completely taken over by my emotions, so I left my intern alone and drove home to sob in private rather than in public. I am still a bit sobby, but I have to go to work - I have no choice. I am hoping that there are no more incidents at Mom's house because I just can't cope with the things that I already have to deal with. My plate is full.  I know that this is part of the grief process. I know this. I know ...

My dad died yesterday in his sleep. This was not unexpected, but it was somewhat fast when I consider that he was calling me from the McDonalds parking lot the Saturday after Thanksgiving and then collapsed two days later and never recovered from that incident. We were praying for an easy transition, and it seems that is what he experienced. We think he died around 1:30am his time, which is when we all woke up for a moment. I laid in bed feeling like going to work was not going to be a feasible idea, my mother felt a release and went back to sleep, and my sister started crying. My brother called me at 4:30am their time to let me know that he had died and that the hospice folks were on their way to assist with things. My sister called me about 30 minutes later and we sat with our video cameras and cried together for a bit. She arranged some substitute activities for her class of second graders and then went over to the house to be there with my mother. It was my mother's birthday. I...

Boy, howdy, this has been quite a year! I am sitting in the darkness and quiet of my home, looking at the glow of the Christmas lights and trying really hard not to think that I see my dear one walking down the hall to see if I've filled her food bowl yet, reflecting on the year that is almost over now. I am not holding out lots of hope that 2021 will be better, but at least 2020 will be over. I remember how many people were stating that 2020 was going to be so much better than 2019. I have several reminders of that prediction on my social media feeds this morning from friends far and near. Everyone was looking forward to the start of the Roaring 20's, 21st Century style, and the year definitely looked like it was going to be lots of fun for me! I made all sorts of daring plans for my future and was stepping out into ways of interacting that I had never even dreamed of before. I was ready and looking forward to challenges! Then came March 13th. One of the bad things about havin...

I am struggling this morning with the return of grief. I was able to think and miss and mourn my baby for a bit without tears, but they came back as soon as I got up - I am not sure why that is. I am moving from moment to moment at this time, catching sight of one of my curls out of the corner of my eye and thinking that it is Bella coming to see what I am doing, then remembering that she is gone, and taking the time to cry about it. Most of my gifts this year were cat-related, so looking at those things bring tears. I still love cats, but mine is gone, and that hurts right now. Even though this has happened, I still go on, and there are things that need to be done that are not related to my Belle at all. Tomorrow, I return to my Occupational Therapist to do more finger exercises. My fingers are very stiff and it hurts to bend them, but I am doing so. I am trying hard to keep to my regime of stretching them in specific ways four or five times a day, but each time is more painful. I nee...

I'm tired. I'm sick and tired and want something to change. I don't want to live in fear every time I walk into my school job. I don't want there to be signs on the door that say that we prohibit weapons. I don't want to have to attend active shooter training (which gave me intense and horrible anxiety dreams) in order to learn that there is really nothing that I can do in the case of an active shooter in my school. I am tired of it all. We're told so many conflicting things about situations like the latest in Florida. We get told that it's not the fault of the manufacturers, it's not the fault of the people who make regulatory laws about gun ownership, it's not the fault of such and such. We're told that the person who acted was an individual who chose to take advantage of the loopholes, technicalities, and FREEDOM that we are offered in this country. There will be an assumption that the person who acted was mentally ill, and there will be som...

I have always loved both Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher and the last couple of days have been a bit rough - not just on me, but on many people who loved their work over the years. I have been a bit disbelieving of news stories and people conversing, but it is obvious that the news of their deaths has not been exaggerated but is true. I don't know if I had seen any Debbie Reynolds movies before Carrie Fisher burst into my life in her iconic role, but knowing my family, probably. I remember the effect of the entire Star Wars universe on my life when I was 7, and Princess Leia was a big part of that effect. Here was a girl/woman who knew what needed to happen and did it! (I think my disdain for Padme Amidala is that she spent most of the third movie crying, not getting things done like Leia! - I'm kinda slipping into Stars Wars philosophy role here. I'll stop!) Let the men come up with an escape plan? That obviously wasn't working for her! She was the military strateg...

This has been a strange week in many ways. It's been a week of emotional responses, political rhetoric, high temperatures, more political rhetoric, and therapy. I am thankful that my work week is over right now so I can just take some time and sit back and ponder what's been going on. So, I am here, sitting and thinking about things. One of the things that I've felt compelled to do is to avoid all news outlets. Each time I turned on my favorite radio news station, I was bombarded with repetitive information and LOTS of misinformation. I had to turn it off. I simply cannot go through tragic situations as many times as the media seems to want me to. I can't go through the same situation over and over again. I don't. Instead of listening to the radio, I've been listening to sitcoms on my iPod or listening to my favorite songs playlist (12 hours of music and more to come). This has been good for me because I have been able to use my favorite music to help me fee...

Today's post is going to be a bit different from the usual Tuesday post. It is more of a remembrance and an opportunity for mourning for me rather than an original Therapeutic Music Experience (TME) to share with all of you. I didn't compose this song, I didn't do much to change it, but it was the favorite of a young man who died on Sunday. The song is simple - If you feel happy , If you feel happy , If you feel happy , smile and sing with me. La, la, la, la. La, la, la, la. La, la, la, la. La, la, la, la. It's a simple little ditty. I wish I could put the rest of it up here, but I can't since I am not the copyright owner. The song itself was part of a nursery school curriculum for Vacation Bible School back in the 1980's. I've tried to search for the music, but it's a bit obscure and the company that sold the music originally has been purchased by other companies many times since then. I simply cannot find a record of this song an...