Hormonal Reset and the Return of the Rational Brain Function

Getting older is no joke.

Now, if you aren't of "a certain age," then this post may not make much sense to you now, but it will eventually make a bit of sense when you start to feel that age is a contributing factor in the decisions that you make for yourself and those around you.

I have spent the last week in the midst of perimenopausal emotion swings and angst and hysterical sobbing and a complete an utter failure to be able to focus on things outside of myself. My emotions, combined with personal grief, incapacitated me in my role as a therapist. I was not able to engage in therapy and so I spent my session time engaging clients in passive music experiences rather than challenging them in their goal areas. I had to do this due to my own instability and fragility. I took some time away from sessions because I didn't want to cry in front of my clients. I'm not comfortable sharing that part of myself with them. Right or wrong, it was the decision that I made for me - keeping my emotions from the clients I serve.

I am pleased to say that my emotional fog has lessened - it is not completely gone, but it is much more manageable at the moment. I am returning to my rational brain control. My goblins are banished back to the back of my brain where I can keep them under control - no more "you SHOULD" thoughts followed by "everything WOULD be just fine if you COULD" phrases skittering behind them. When those types of thoughts start to form, I am now able to remind myself that I just cannot control what happened - it is over.

These types of days, weeks, months, and years happen to people. All people at one time or another have emotional breakdowns or consecutive tragedies or hormonal swings that affect how they work, how they sleep, how they function, how they live. This is not something that we often talk about in our educational process, but it is a reality that many of us share.

What does the therapist do when the therapist cannot be a helper?

I firmly believe that this is the reason that sick days are so important. There are days where I just cannot be the holder of what others need to hand over. My hands are full of my own emotions, and I can't contain any more. Those are the days when time away is not only warranted but should be part of our regular practice. When I can put my own emotions away for later, I do, and I do my job of holding what my clients need to share, address, and express until I can give those things back to them. Then, I pop off the top of my sealed up emotions and take up my own issues again. I then engage in some of my self-care and coping practices to help me with my personal thoughts and issues.

Now that I am back on a more even emotional state, I am able to pick up some of the things that I have released over the past week. I notice that when I go into my mental health decline, I end up neglecting my most effective self-care/coping skill practices. I don't write. I don't want to read anything - I just stare at the television or worse, I just scroll through the available entertainment without finding anything that is interesting. I don't want to listen to music and the thought of making music sounds so much like a chore that I don't even contemplate the benefits that I know are present in the act of live musicking. It tends to be a descending spiral where the things that I could do (did you glimpse that goblin??) to bring myself out of the spiral are the things that I cannot bring myself to do. Then, I get upset with myself for not helping myself. 

I know I am not the only person in the world who does this. My favorite blogger, The Bloggess, writes about her struggles with her own mental health and her spirals. My own mental health history includes some depression and some anxiety, but I am usually a bit more equipped to handle my episodes than I have been recently. My current pattern involves significant changes between feeling fine and able to handle things to being completely overwhelmed and incapable of completing the smallest of daily living tasks. These patterns affect my mental health in negative ways - it all seems to be hormonally related, but the plunge of emotion into depression and dysfunction is not something that I want. No one wants that sort of cycle.

Now that I am feeling more even in my responses to things, I can plan. I can write. I can compose silly songs with my clients to help them grow and learn. I can engage in active self-care/coping practices for the benefit of myself and my therapeutic interactions. These are things that can happen when I am finding myself able to think and rationalize. My goal is to remind myself of the things that I can do when I am in the down side of my cycle to help minimize the effect of the depression on my everyday life.

Today's plan? Spend some time working on things that have to be done this week, Spend some time playing with paper (I'm making a junk journal for a SkillShare class that I am taking), and spend some time thinking about my next steps for when this happens next month. I also want to make something new for my Teachers Pay Teachers shop and music therapy clinic - that reminds me - buy laminating film...

It's time to reset and move forward.

Thanks for being here, friend.