I was perfectly fine this morning. I really was. I took a couple more minutes of being in bed this morning. I took a shower and then came down to find a spate of messages that passively blamed me for technological issues that are happening in a particular group. I was named as the reason for not changing things to avoid some of these issues. No one else was named in the message line, and it really tromped up, down, and sideways on my feelings.
Now, I am a grown up and I know that I do not have to relate to things in this particular manner, but this happens every year at this time and it is always the worst timing because I am very busy right now - more busy than others in this particular group. Interestingly, when things calm down for me, these same folks have no interest in changing things up. I refuse to participate in the conversations concerning technology because I always feel that I am the one who gets blamed, so I refuse to make the decision. I am not a fan of waffling and passive-aggressive people who are not brave enough to make a decision, and it infuriates me when I get blamed for the consequences of decisions that others make.
This morning, the conversation really hurt me. So, I addressed it with the people who were involved. I am coming across as a bit hysterical at the moment, I am sure, but I am not responsible for this situation and refuse to be scapegoated, even in an attempt at humor. I do not have to be the only one who is named in this conversation.
I was having such a good week, too.
I left my long day at work yesterday feeling good. I never do that. These day and a half days usually leave me feeling sick and tired. Now, I am tired, but I was in such a happy, buoyant mood last night. I was enjoying feeling happy about things. Now, I am a crying, hysterical mess. I am hoping that this will change once I get to work and can do other things, but comments like the ones made on social media tend to sink in and get under my skin. It will certainly make my next live interactions with these same people a bit more strained than usual.
I have always had a difficulty with being appropriately assertive. I have put up with snarky comments about things for a long time, and today, I just snapped. I put my reaction on the post as they happened rather than trying to figure out how to approach the people that started all of this. I usually try to be more measured in how I respond, but today was just the tipping point. I may have shot myself in the foot with these folks, but there has to be a limit to how much I get criticized for something that is not my fault.
I am rarely completely transparent on social media. I spend most of my time trying to present the persona that I want to maintain. I do not offer random comments. I think everything through very deliberately - even my daily happiness posts on my personal feed. On this blog, I spend lots of time writing things that never see the light of day because they are just too raw, emotional, and honest. Now, that's not to say that I lie on social media - I try not to, but there are some things that happen in my life that are just not things that the world needs to know about me. I relish my privacy and my ability to remain who and what I want to be on social media. Again, I am not always happy-clappy when I post things, but I do not always post everything that I am thinking and feeling. For example, this post is going to be posted on my blog - with a huge lump in my throat and lots of queasiness that I did not wake with - but I will not advertise it at all on my social media feeds. If you are reading this, it is because you tend to read just about everything I post. So, thank you for that.
I am going to be fine. I am proud of myself for speaking up and speaking out for something that needs to be changed. I will continue the relationships that are present in this particular group of people, but I will also expect better from those who constantly try to shove me into a particular role. I will no longer sit by and be the butt of jokes or the reason that someone else cannot step up.