music, therapy, and me

I hit another exhaustion wall yesterday. My body reminding me that it was rearranged two months ago and that we both are still recovering from the rigors of surgery, anaesthesia, and the constant stressors of changing diagnoses as well as specialists every couple of days. So, I remained at home and slept. I feel better today and was able to crawl out of bed without crying or falling, so that's a positive thing. I missed five groups yesterday, and my mother heaped a whole bunch of guilt on my head last night, so I am ashamed of the fact that I was unable to continue my therapy day after taking my shower and finding it difficult to move my legs to get over the side of the tub.  This is what always happens. I start off trying to be proactive with my self-care, but I end up feeling guilt and shame for taking time for that self-care which increases the need for self-care. It is a never ending loop of shame and guilt that is also exhausting. I know about shame cycles and all that, but th...

I had lots of energy yesterday - don't know why and REALLY want to replicate that energy for always - so I finished several file folders that were just sitting and waiting for Velcro. That's all that they needed - Velcro on the folders, and they were finished. These are not resources for my students (who I get to work with again, starting today!), because they are just a bit too kid-like, but they will go into my resource room and inventory because they are finished.   I also loaded the dishwasher, went to pick up groceries for this week, read a book, ripped CDs to the computer, alphabetized the CD covers in the case, cooked a bit, made chicken salad with cranberries and almonds, and other things that I have neglected a bit. I am hoping that I will be able to walk when I get home after work, but who knows. I had absolutely no problem with my knees the entire time I was home, but now that I am back at work, I am hobbling around like my knees are 90 years old. I have no idea what...

One of the advantages of going through my CD collection and ripping music to my computer is that I am being reminded of music that I have loved over my life and career. One of these songs is by Fiona Apple who was part of the "angry girl singer-songwriter" movement that happened at some point in my past. Criminal  is one of my favorites from Fiona Apple. Okay, let me explain something about me. I tend to find one song by an artist that resonates with me, and I then explore more of the music. I am not always impressed by the other songs that those artists share, but I have many CDs that I got because I wanted a copy of the one song that I love. I used to be part of a CD club - BMG got me many CDs for less than $2 each back when I was budgeting for everything - so I was able to find many of the songs that I loved back then for very little money. (I never really paid full price for any CD.) So, with Fiona Apple, I have a couple of songs that I like and more that I do not like as...

It is the first day of the "regular" school year, so this is my New Year. I tend to be a bit more likely to establish quests and the like at this time of year than I do in January. This may be my last school year start - I know it will be my last at this school - so my quests are a bit more nostalgic than anything else. Here are my quests for the 2025-2026 school year: Bring lunches to work Move more Enjoy the year Read 200 books Make 12 book units Bring my things home from work Rip CDs to the computer I have not counted any reading before this time, so the book I read yesterday does not count, but any other reading from now on does count. I have started the CD project already and have been through one large CD case for about 90+ CDs into my computer. I am using Windows Media Player because iTunes just stopped working. I really do not like iThings, and they do not like me, either. I will make a lunch today, and I intend on getting into a Sunday routine of making lunch parts f...

This is going to be a thematic post - all about themes, and my current theme is "Back to School." I spend lots of moments during this time of year hearing about classroom themes (my sister's classroom is going to be amazing, y'all), watching classroom organization videos, thinking about my own room (which doesn't really change all that much), and seeing the decor that is generated by many people in the music education world.  There are some teachers out there (cough, cough sissa!) who make everything match or work within their creative themes. My room has muraled walls, so there is not much room for things to put on the walls. Also, my clients like to rip things from the wall and destroy them, so I don't want to spend time and money replacing decorations over again. So, I tend to keep the decorations things that I can move to and fro in the group area rather than on the walls. That doesn't mean that I don't have ideas about themes. Ooh boy, do I have i...

It is time for a little bit of fun. This is the first day of the last break before the start of the 25-26 school year. I, of course, have been on break since the beginning of this contract year due to the surgery that I had at the start of the last official break. I am not really all that excited about the start of the last summer break, but I am looking forward to another two weeks of being here on my own. I feel kinda guilty about having five weeks off, but I am also aware that I am recovering from major surgery, so the guilt sort of sloughs off. Anyway, today is Friday, so I want to focus on some fun. Lately, my source of fun has been library books. Aw long-time readers know, I have recently gone back to the library to support my reading habit. I have been reading lots of things in the recent weeks. I also made a large order from Thriftbooks.com for books for me rather than for my music therapy practice. Tomorrow, I will be going to a local craft store for an "Introduction to A...

This is my second attempt at a post for today. There are times when I just can't post what I am writing because it is not conducive to my mental health or the purpose of this blog. So, the first post of the day went into my draft folder. I will not look at it again. It will just sit in that folder forever and ever. Let's talk about something that makes me feel happy - creating art and other craft processes. Yesterday, I sat on my bed and I created some word art. Word art is something I enjoy - I use it as a stream of consciousness tool for myself. I write words in different fonts. The words are sometimes sentences, sometimes just single words, but they always show me something about how I am feeling or what I am struggling with in the moment. Sometimes there are song lyrics involved. Most of the time, though, the words are just that - words without much to link them together. Yesterday's art consisted of emotion words about my near future and covered all of my current emoti...

And, here we are - FINALLY! The first day of my break. It stormed yesterday afternoon - lots of rain and thunder while a front rolled through the area. Rain came in bits and spurts but the thunder was pretty continuous there for a while. I am hoping that the storm will have decreased the heat and humidity, but I sincerely doubt that it did. Yeah - a quick look at my weather app shows that we have 88% humidity at the moment with a forecasted temperature of 91 (before the heat index kicks in). The storms did not help at all, but that's okay. It is what summer is like out here. I miss the dry heat of California. No more dwelling on that thought. Let's talk a bit more about what this break will be for me. I am going on an extended break because I am having another bowel resection on Monday. A part of my gut is growing things that it shouldn't, so it has to be removed. My mother is arriving tomorrow to help me out during my recovery. I have two days to get my house in order and ...

Well, I woke up later than usual (yay,me!), so this might be a quick post. "That client" had no negative responses yesterday. That's two sessions without screaming and huge tantrums requiring assistance to remain safe! Two sessions!! The heat hasn't broken but might today. Might. I have five sessions between me and the next break, and I am more than ready. I will have my room to myself today - the other two people who now share my space have taken today off. That means blissful, glorious silence during my rare non-session time. I think I am ready for the next steps in my medical journey. I have almost everything that I need already. I just have to go get a couple of last minute prep materials, and I'm all set. I am nervous, anxious, and just plain old tired.  On Monday, that step will be over, and all that will be left will be the recovery process. At least, let's hope that is the case. There is so much still unknown about what is going on with me. Five sessio...

The first post that I attempted to write today was bumming me out, so I decided to keep it as a draft and try to write something else. Just so you know, I am not looking forward to the next two days or the "break" activities that I have scheduled. That was the theme of the rejected post for this morning. I cannot dwell or my day will be pretty lousy. So, here is attempt #2 for this morning. I was thinking that I have not updated my budget information for a bit. I have paused the envelope system for the moment. This month is a bit screwy, so I decided not to get my usual allowance for my envelopes. I will update it as soon as my medical bills are paid off. I can get back to that system at any time. It did work for me, and I have a bit of tweaking to do, but the foundation was sound. In between my envelope pause and everything else happening in my life, I am finding it difficult to focus on just about anything. Things are uncertain and uncertainty is not something that I deal w...

Three days and sixteen sessions left before the end of the contract year, the end of the first summer session, and before my surgery. "That client" had another perfect session yesterday - not even a whimper and allowed me and peers to use materials without protest. That means that Wednesday's session will probably be a doozy, but I'll take it! The problem with having highly reactive clients is that the entire session is a tenterhooks situation for me. I am on edge the entire time "that client" is present - I cannot relax or drop my attention towards "that client." It is exhausting. I do not feel like we talk about the unintended situations and trauma that can come with being around specific client populations. It is not something that we often speak about in courses - being hurt by clients, being around clients who display aggressive or self-injurious behavior, being yelled at by clients. All of these situations are things that I work through on a ...

Today is the last day of my workweek. Around work, some of us affectionately call this day "Thursday-Friday" because that encapsulates the feeling of what this day means to us all. I am more than ready for this. It has been a week of insomnia, red eyes, unpredictable students, and rising heat and humidity. Let's finish this week in a strong manner and then just go! "That client" spent three minutes in music therapy before escalating into a screaming tantrum that lasted the entire session. I was singing "that client's" verse of the opening song - which "that client" volunteered for, and I guess "that client" was upset that I dared to sing to them.  My other groups went well, I guess. No one else was incensed by my singing, so I guess that was a good thing. I have finished sixteen groups and have only five to go today. The last group includes another "that client," so it may be a rough afternoon. At my school job, studen...

Today is the first day in my first three-day weekend of the extended school year. I am ready. "That client" performed as expected and had a 30 minute tantrum because I dared to allow peers to play instruments. We have new students who are having absolutely NO honeymoon adjustment period. Every class has either new peers or new staff or both. It has been a difficult week. That week is over. I now have the luxury of a three-day weekend, and I am enjoying the thought of not having to go to work. There are plenty of things to do here - laundry, dishes, clearing out space, making Mom's bed up for her upcoming trip. Plenty to do. I also have the opportunity to stay in my pjs as long as possible, take long showers, go see a movie, and sleep in. All of these things are good for me, as is the time away from other people. I am an introvert - as high on the continuum of personality as it is possible to get. I enjoy time away from others. I am not likely to be heading out to events a...

Walter - just because I love him!! Well, that was a rough week - I had food poisoning last Sunday after eating something I made on both Saturday and Sunday - only got food poisoning on Sunday for some reason. I did not go to work on Monday - it is hard to sing when nauseous - I slept instead. Last week went slowly and culminated with my second-to-last Talent Show. Nothing happened at the show, thank all things good and wholesome, and now we are on the downward slope to next week when all the end of the school year stuff happens. This week has a field trip for one group of students this morning. As far as I know, there is nothing else happening. Next week is a different story. We have graduation and then the end of the school carnival. After that, we will be done for a week before coming back and doing things all over again. Since I work in a psychiatric residential treatment facility school, my students are in school year round. That means that I am working year round. I really don...

So... I feel like I need to be totally transparent about something from the get-go of this particular series... I am not good with identifying songs with their performers. I can't identify the song names, but I can almost always sing the song. As I was trying to figure out what song to select for this series, I remembered being in a session last week, listening to a song by Billie Eilish. I really liked the lyrics to the song, but for the life of me, I cannot remember which song it was. I remember thinking, "that would be a great song for our self-awareness monthly theme," but I cannot find the words that I remember in the lyrics search that I am doing of Billie's songs.  This is a common situation for me, but it's also common for my music therapy clients. We can remember things about songs but can't remember names or musicians. We spend lots of time engaged in clue hunting. I ask questions like, "Is the singer a man or a woman?" (I know, those aren...

I subscribe to Dan Rather's Steady newsletter - the free version - because I respect that man as one of the voices of my childhood. Mr. Rather replaced Walter Cronkite as the anchor of CBS news when I was a kid. My parents were diehard CBS news watchers because of Mr. Cronkite, and Mr. Rather became the new voice for a long time before my parents defected to NBC news and Tom Brokaw. Since I grew up with several voices in the news world, I have found myself gravitating back to those voices to help me make sense of the world right now. On Sundays, Mr. Rather takes a break from writing about politics and the state of the world to write about songs that he finds memorable. I like that, and I enjoy reading his words about those songs. I think I might start doing the same sort of thing on my blog - writing a bit about specific songs and why they are important to me. Now, I just have to find the songs... I was listening to songs that my clients were sharing this week, and I realized that ...

Welcome to my corner of the world where it is currently storming. The thunder and lightning is going along with a steady rain. The winds haven't kicked up yet, but it will be a windy day as well as a storm-ridden time, and I am feeling restless. I had one client who cried throughout music therapy yesterday. We don't know why, but the client was presenting with a positive affect until entering the music therapy room when the client started to wail. This client does not do this often, so it was a mystery to us all. The client is non-speaking, so trying to figure it all out was difficult. I always want to change a sad mood into a happier mood, but there are times when we just need to wallow. Have you ever seen the episode of The Middle where Frankie is trying to have a good cry? Everything in her life interferes with her attempts to cry out everything that is happening in her body. I have days like that - the only thing that helps me release emotion, hormones, stress, and grief is...

I attended an online training about self-employment taxes as a musician last night. I found it a really good training as it explained things like self-employment tax, quarterly tax payments, and the difference between a hobby and a business. Basically, what I am doing right now is a hobby rather than a business. I am going to change this. Now, I am going to do something that I rarely do - recommend someone to you. If you are someone like me - someone who has NO idea what to do as far as taxes are concerned, then I recommend - Hannah Cole . Her website, sunlighttax.com , is a place where most of the questions can find answers. I have not had the opportunity to delve into all of the resources that Hannah offers, but the webinar that she gave last night was concise, clear, and important to me and my understanding of taxes as a creative professional. Check out her blog for more information about all sorts of things! One of the things that I am thinking about is how I want to pivot from hav...

For some reason, I am having the heebie-jeebies today.  I don't know why, and this may be a side effect of all the medication that I am taking right now, but I am jumpier than usual and a bit over-responsive to the news and commentaries that I am accessing. This is probably a function of said medication and a bit about the political climate that we live in, but for whatever reason, I am going through it.  I thoroughly dislike this feeling of general uneasiness that comes over me with the heebie-jeebies. It's like something is out there, just waiting to take over, and I know it is out there, but I am trying to avoid it. This is the theme of every anxiety dream that I have lately - hiding and avoiding things and people who annoy me. I don't know if I am feeling this way due to the medications or because the world is disintegrating around us all or because my brain is just wanting to take me on a ride. It is a mystery. No matter how I'm feeling, today is a work day, so I w...