music, therapy, and me

I hit another exhaustion wall yesterday. My body reminding me that it was rearranged two months ago and that we both are still recovering from the rigors of surgery, anaesthesia, and the constant stressors of changing diagnoses as well as specialists every couple of days. So, I remained at home and slept. I feel better today and was able to crawl out of bed without crying or falling, so that's a positive thing. I missed five groups yesterday, and my mother heaped a whole bunch of guilt on my head last night, so I am ashamed of the fact that I was unable to continue my therapy day after taking my shower and finding it difficult to move my legs to get over the side of the tub.  This is what always happens. I start off trying to be proactive with my self-care, but I end up feeling guilt and shame for taking time for that self-care which increases the need for self-care. It is a never ending loop of shame and guilt that is also exhausting. I know about shame cycles and all that, but th...

It's Wednesday of this Spring Forward week, and it has hit me hard. I was okay the first three days of this week, but today I was struggling to open my eyes and find any sort of enthusiasm about leaving my bed. It doesn't help that this is the week before break, I still have a 12 hour day tomorrow, and a day of professional development with arthritic knees and spine ahead of me. Everything is just seeming more and more difficult to navigate - and it is all stress that I put on myself!! So, to distract me from all the senses of stress and doom that I am feeling due to my timing and need to get things organized that will not be organized no matter what, here is what I've been reading lately.  I turned in my last batch of library books on Sunday, so I am tackling my To Be Read pile. I bought BIG books this last time. There is a Jane Austen omnibus waiting for me to bite the bullet and dive back into the world of Victorian romance and courtship. That is not my favorite world to...

My mother is currently WAY into making miniatures. I mean, this techno-phobe, almost octogenarian is watching YouTube videos and hunkering down with her bits and bobs and is making things for a currently fictional Barbie house. She is making plans for us to work on making some rooms for the Barbies that she is collecting. So, why am I putting this on my blog? My mother is the QUEEN of making things out of other types of things. She has always done this and always will. She is having so much fun making things, and she will continue to make these things until she is finished. That's how Mom goes - full-out until she is done. Her latest craze has been making plants for Barbie out of tape, markers, twist ties, and bottle lids. That's right. She has made some house plants for Barbie's soon-to-be-made Dream House. My mother is my original Thrifty Therapist. She is an Occupational Therapist (retired) and has always been crafty as well as artsy. We used almost everything over again...

Please excuse me as I deviate from my usual Sunday post to talk about today, and its significance to my family. This is my mother's birthday. It is also the day that my father died, three years ago. This day is hard to navigate because while Dad died on this date, it is also a day for celebrating my Mother. It is hard to do both. As a result, I try to mark the anniversary of my Dad's death the day before rather than on today's date. This year, I am reminded of my parents' mortality more than I have been in the last two years. My mom got sick and had to be in the hospital for five days just recently. We didn't know what was going on, and it was pretty scary. We were able to rule out lots of things - not a heart condition, not the gallbladder, things like that - but it took a long time to figure out what was going on. It turns out that it was a reaction to the medication her cardiologist prescribed. She is now off that medication and seeing all sorts of new doctors to...

It is officially 2024, and I am in a different state than the one I anticipated I would be in. I am still at home with the cat on the bed curled up next to me. I slept through the transition to the new year - much like I usually do - and woke up at 2:40 am - much like I usually do - to take a look at the new year. It is now 3:20 am, and I am very much awake and ready to get this new year going! Our new year is starting with a bit of uncertainty, but less than we had just a bit ago. My mother has received an official diagnosis after lots and lots of blood work, tests of various kinds, and food deprivation. It seems that she is avoiding surgery right now (thank goodness) and will be doing some antibiotics to fully recover. This is better than the outlook that we had yesterday morning when things were less clear to us all. So, our New Year has started with a parent in the hospital but a parent who is getting better. Hopefully this same parent will remember that she doesn't like being ...

Hello, friends. Welcome to my end of the year post - the one where I usually reveal several things and spend time ruminating on various quests and goals that I have established. Today, however, may not include some of that information because I am currently figuring out lots of stuff and am not sure if I am coming or going. My mom has acute pancreatitis and is in the hospital. I have extended my trip an additional two days so I can be around for support. My sister is helping Mom out the way she always does because she is close by, and I am glad that I can be here until Tuesday. My mom keeps telling me to "have some fun" while I am here, but that is difficult to do when waiting for doctors and tests and information. My sister and I went to the hospital yesterday to wait through a procedure and then waited with Mom to hear about another procedure that will be happening today. At this point, we are not expecting surgery, but we might be going through that if the procedure today ...

For most people, seeing the title of this post, the mind goes immediately to the situation that happened in our government on January 6th, but for my family, this is the anniversary of my Dad's death - on my Mom's birthday. We are forever reminded of these things. It is difficult to figure out how to celebrate one very important person on the same day when we lost the other important person. We try to do our best to honor everyone on January 7th. This year, my mother's birthday gift is sitting on my kitchen floor where my suitcase is awaiting a trip. If I had been able to get home, she would have her gift. She will get it in March along with my sister's birthday gifts and all the Christmas gifts. I just booked that flight - let's see if it actually happens when it is supposed to... My focus for this day has to be a look forward rather than a look back. I know my Dad wouldn't want us to wallow in sackcloth and ashes. He died almost the way he wanted, and I know t...

Note: This post is all about my Father's death last year. This may be a trigger for those who are not comfortable with expressions of grief. Today is the first anniversary of my Dad's death. It is also my Mom's 77th birthday. This is a problem for us because we can't NOT recognize Mom, but we are all missing Dad even more on this day since it is the anniversary of his leaving. Mom is not sure how she wants to mark either of these occasions. I am trying really hard to do my own celebration of life - both the life that ended and the life that is going on - today. I am not sure how to do this, though. My Dad's death was the first death in my nuclear family. My grandparents have died, great aunts and uncles have died, but this was the first time that my immediate family changed significantly through death. Our family unit changed. Dad is no longer on the end of the telephone line. He's no longer there to talk me down when I am too caught up in my emotional brain to ...

I have decreed it to be so, so it shall be so! I started crying this morning when I saw a suicide prevention public announcement encouraging people to engage others in small talk. To be completely honest, this type of crying is not unusual for me at all. My primary emotional outlet is tears and always has been, so having a crying day is not strange. It is normal. Today, however, I think I am going to refrain from some of my "work-from-home" foci to allow myself to be able to burst into tears at any moment without fear of being on video. I think today may be a planning/visual aid/TME development type of day. I can work on music production without having to be filmed, so red, swollen eyes will not be a problem. Why is today declared a "Crying Day?" There is no specific reason, just more of the roller coaster things that are happening in the lives of others at this point. I am physically fine - things are at my normal for this time of year other than the broken fingers...

I woke up yesterday in a down mood. I am not sure if this is based on my hormonal cycle or the circumstances that are happening around me, but it is not my preferred state of existence. I do not like being someone who is on the periphery of situations - I prefer being in charge and making essential decisions. That is not the case right now. I am an extra in the drama of other people's lives, and that is not the place I prefer to be. I am also lonely with all the working from home stuff. I miss my daily interaction with my clients. It is difficult to find songs to sing that provide them with something to do where they cannot engage in choice making or providing input. I have to change my way of thinking about what I am doing in order to make it make sense for me. This is a complete tangent from the title of this post, but I think it will make sense if I write it down. Bear with me. I have always loved the idea of writing music to supplement educational curricula. My first thesis pro...

Yesterday, I took my idea book downstairs to work on it while my Dad and I shared some time together. Dad's idea of sharing time is always accompanied by shows like NCIS: Los Angeles, so we talk a bit, we watch a bit, we argue a bit. I decided to start fleshing out a continuing music therapy education (CMTE) course that I want to start while engaging in conversation, and it went pretty well. I've outlined the first two modules and can start getting the powerpoints started. I tend to start off with a spark of an idea and then I try to figure out how I will get to my desired outcome as I go along the journey. This is how I approach things like treatment planning as well. For some things, I have an established sequence of events, but for most things, I move along within the process itself, adjusting as needed to move towards the end goal. There are times when I think that having a set protocol to follow regardless of client needs/preferences, etc. would be easier, but I know tha...

It is officially time to get ready to go back to work. I did not get my chance to get bored with things, and I do not feel ready to go back to work, but it is time. My church job starts tomorrow with singing in worship and getting the choir ready to go for next week. My regular job starts on Monday, so today is my last day without work responsibilities. I am going to take a moment to have a short tantrum on the floor over here. Okay. I think I'm better. I was happy to see my mother, and we did lots of things without conflict. She was able to complain about my father to a sympathetic ear (not mine) and found that she is not alone in her complaints about retirement and formally busy men. We went places and did things and ate out lots, but I did not gain any weight (whew). I did not get anything clean once Mom arrived, but I did get things pretty well cleared before then. I bought a new mattress (which I desperately need!), and it will be delivered next Saturday. I have some tim...

I am currently in a creative rush and a writing rut. Interesting how those things seem to go hand-in-hand around here. I've written three songs this morning, but I've also deleted lots of blog posts for this blog. For some reason, finding things to write about has been tough this morning. I'm going to give it another go. I guess I am a bit exhausted after playing host to my Mom. Things were different around here, as the cat continues to remind me - having a new person in the living space means that some things get done while others do not. We went lots of new places this week, and I am grateful for the opportunity to explore more of this area, but I don't usually do much of that during vacation, so my napping has really suffered! I plan to rectify some of that today. I'm tired, and that comes out as complaining on this forum. I try not to do too much of that, but there are times when it just has to happen. Through my post-visit haze, I have been able to comp...

I am in a deep thinking kind of mood this morning. Most of this mood is because my Mom is leaving today to go to her home. I am glad that she was here - we did lots of things that I would never have done on my own - and I am sad to see her going, but I know that it is time. Some of this mood is because I am in my last week of my fall break - only five days left before I have to go to work - and I don't feel ready to go back yet. The rest of this mood is because I am contemplating my new year's resolutions. I had to write a short blurb about my theoretical orientation this morning. That kinda threw me for a loop because I don't often think about this topic. I identify as a humanist mostly - well, a humanist with behavioral and sensory integration tendencies. I do not practice from within any particular music therapy theoretical format, but I do use techniques from various frameworks when they are necessary. That question, however, started me thinking deeply about who I a...

Currently, there is a discussion about the Certification Board for Music Therapists ' examination going on over on my social media feeds. (We've moved away from the whole MLE debacle, so of course we have to stress over something else...) People seem to be upset that the practice tests are not the same as the real test, that standardized testing is the entry standard for certification, and that other people passed but are "not good therapists." There is a bit of "poor me" attitude going on, and I, for one, am not really all that sympathetic. My mother and I are currently engaged in a conversation about our respective professions, occupational therapy and music therapy. Between us, we have over 75 years of experience in our work, and quite frankly, we've seen lots of stuff happen over the years. Mom went through the OT master's level entry process when it happened in the 90's (just let that sink in!!! OT transitioned almost 20 years ago!!!) and ...

My mother arrived at my living space yesterday - a surprise type visit (I knew it was coming a bit over a month ago - very impulsive for us to make plans in only a couple of weeks) especially since I've lived here for 23 years and this is only the second time she's come to visit me - the first was when I had surgery. This is a "just because" visit as far as I know, and now that it's happening, I'm happy to see her. The living space is not "Mom clean," but it is functional, and I am going to work around her rather than just sit and watch everything she does. Bella-cat is adjusting to sharing a living space and is absolutely DYING to get into the room that is currently off-limits (because of the inflatable bed) but is enjoying the good g'ma attention and rubs behind the ears. She's a pretty easy house guest. She is looking forward to going through my extensive library of fiction and through my craft books and supplies. I figure she'll be ...

I am in Day two of the great purge triggered by the upcoming visit by my Mother necessitating this drastic step. Yesterday was the start of the closet, the start of the craft room, and the filling of trash bags and clothing bags ready to donate to some place that is not here. Today will be the finish of the closet, continuing in the craft room, laundry, and what ever else calls out to be done. Tomorrow will be the delivery of the new air mattress, finishing the craft room (around the new bed), working lots on the front room, and dishes. Mom coming to visit is the snake bite in the nether regions that I needed to get this going. When she arrives, I think we'll be able to rest a bit. Mom and I are lots alike. Neither of us needs to be entertained much, so I anticipate that she'll be fine with going out to do things every so often, but won't insist on doing big, splashy things all the time. I do have one trip planned out, something local, and something that should be very en...