music, therapy, and me

I am currently stressed and crabby as all get out because I made a mistake and then was called out on that mistake in a way that was a bit less grace-filled and more confrontational and I am not happy with myself or the person who called me out. This may be currently affected by my medication side effects - I feel more negative emotions when under the influence than when I am not, so I may be able to forgive myself more readily in a couple of hours than right now. Right now, however, I am stuck in the throes of self-hatred because making mistakes is not something that I like AT ALL and I REALLY don't like being called out in this particular manner which just rubs me the wrong way EVERY SINGLE TIME! Does anyone else just find making mistakes humiliating? I am my own worst critic and there are times when making any sort of misstep sends me into a spiral of shame and humiliation. All self-imposed and all just ridiculous when I get over myself and everything. I talk to my interns and t...

It is Wednesday, right?? I have four days after today to get myself organized and get back to work for a full-time schedule of music therapy groups, attempts to get individuals going, and shepherding two interns through the process of becoming their own type of therapist. Yesterday was a total loss as far as doing anything productive for how I live my life in my home. I woke up feeling blue and restless. Nothing appealed to me at all, so I headed out to my local Walmart for a shopping spree. I had to be around people - not so much to interact, but just to be around others. I wore my mask, practiced appropriate social distancing, and all that, and I left spending just under $100. It took me about 45 minutes to make the rounds of the store, and I did get SOME things that I need - for example, some new storage containers for my stuff at work - the old ones are disintegrating - and, of course, several things that I really didn't need - four new fiction books to devour in the next week ...

One of my favorite movies in the world is called Bowfinger . It is a silly movie, but it is something that I absolutely adore. It stars Steve Martin (who also wrote it) and Eddie Murphy (in a dual role) along with Christine Baranski, Heather Graham, and Terence Stamp. It's a funny movie about the movie industry, and I have most of it memorized. One of Eddie Murphy's characters is a famous movie actor who gets involved with everyone else in a con situation, and his character is on the edge to begin with. As part of the story, he is involved in a form of counseling and has a mantra - Keep it Together. During the movie, he repeats this mantra when things get a bit too much for him to handle. You can tell how much he is upset by the pitch and the tempo of his repetitive chant - keep it together, keep it together, KIT, keep it together. Last week's sessions were a time when I used this mantra. Things were spiraling, and I was coming down with my Jan/Feb ick, and it was all...

I admit it. I am wallowing in a well of self-pity and self-doubt right now. I'm in my annual allergy sick time building up to the Online Conference for Music Therapy, and I am also not able to take all my allergy medications because I cannot afford to take a day off to get accustomed to the medication (it gets me every time!). There are stress-causing things happening at work with co-workers who are upset with me about choices that I make to support therapy and all that. There is a small percentage of students who are actively working at disrupting my sessions - and they are spread out over a bunch of different sessions so things are pretty disruptive at the moment, and I feel that things aren't going the way they need to be going. I'm not hearing any sort of encouragement from anyone right now, and it is hard to keep giving when there is no time for taking. I get stuck in these modes every so often, so it is not something that surprises me any more, but I am always hav...

In the past two weeks, I've had very few positive sessions at my facility. My students are struggling, our mostly new staff members are struggling, and I am struggling to get anything accomplished. I am feeling like a failure as a therapist because I haven't had a day go by where I wasn't physically assaulted by a client for simply requesting that they remain safe in my therapy space.  Here's the deal, folks. Music therapy is not always comprised of "happy people making happy sounds." There are times when you have to deal with humans at their worst, and it is not fun. These times, though, are the times when music can be most powerful and the role of the music therapist is the most important. Sure, any therapist can enjoy their job when everything is going right, but it takes stamina and realism and dedication to stick with a difficult client during a difficult time! (I currently have about 100 clients going through difficult times, so I am feeling like ...