music, therapy, and me

It's Wednesday of this Spring Forward week, and it has hit me hard. I was okay the first three days of this week, but today I was struggling to open my eyes and find any sort of enthusiasm about leaving my bed. It doesn't help that this is the week before break, I still have a 12 hour day tomorrow, and a day of professional development with arthritic knees and spine ahead of me. Everything is just seeming more and more difficult to navigate - and it is all stress that I put on myself!! So, to distract me from all the senses of stress and doom that I am feeling due to my timing and need to get things organized that will not be organized no matter what, here is what I've been reading lately.  I turned in my last batch of library books on Sunday, so I am tackling my To Be Read pile. I bought BIG books this last time. There is a Jane Austen omnibus waiting for me to bite the bullet and dive back into the world of Victorian romance and courtship. That is not my favorite world to...

Please excuse me as I deviate from my usual Sunday post to talk about today, and its significance to my family. This is my mother's birthday. It is also the day that my father died, three years ago. This day is hard to navigate because while Dad died on this date, it is also a day for celebrating my Mother. It is hard to do both. As a result, I try to mark the anniversary of my Dad's death the day before rather than on today's date. This year, I am reminded of my parents' mortality more than I have been in the last two years. My mom got sick and had to be in the hospital for five days just recently. We didn't know what was going on, and it was pretty scary. We were able to rule out lots of things - not a heart condition, not the gallbladder, things like that - but it took a long time to figure out what was going on. It turns out that it was a reaction to the medication her cardiologist prescribed. She is now off that medication and seeing all sorts of new doctors to...

For most people, seeing the title of this post, the mind goes immediately to the situation that happened in our government on January 6th, but for my family, this is the anniversary of my Dad's death - on my Mom's birthday. We are forever reminded of these things. It is difficult to figure out how to celebrate one very important person on the same day when we lost the other important person. We try to do our best to honor everyone on January 7th. This year, my mother's birthday gift is sitting on my kitchen floor where my suitcase is awaiting a trip. If I had been able to get home, she would have her gift. She will get it in March along with my sister's birthday gifts and all the Christmas gifts. I just booked that flight - let's see if it actually happens when it is supposed to... My focus for this day has to be a look forward rather than a look back. I know my Dad wouldn't want us to wallow in sackcloth and ashes. He died almost the way he wanted, and I know t...

Note: This post is all about my Father's death last year. This may be a trigger for those who are not comfortable with expressions of grief. Today is the first anniversary of my Dad's death. It is also my Mom's 77th birthday. This is a problem for us because we can't NOT recognize Mom, but we are all missing Dad even more on this day since it is the anniversary of his leaving. Mom is not sure how she wants to mark either of these occasions. I am trying really hard to do my own celebration of life - both the life that ended and the life that is going on - today. I am not sure how to do this, though. My Dad's death was the first death in my nuclear family. My grandparents have died, great aunts and uncles have died, but this was the first time that my immediate family changed significantly through death. Our family unit changed. Dad is no longer on the end of the telephone line. He's no longer there to talk me down when I am too caught up in my emotional brain to ...

My dad died yesterday in his sleep. This was not unexpected, but it was somewhat fast when I consider that he was calling me from the McDonalds parking lot the Saturday after Thanksgiving and then collapsed two days later and never recovered from that incident. We were praying for an easy transition, and it seems that is what he experienced. We think he died around 1:30am his time, which is when we all woke up for a moment. I laid in bed feeling like going to work was not going to be a feasible idea, my mother felt a release and went back to sleep, and my sister started crying. My brother called me at 4:30am their time to let me know that he had died and that the hospice folks were on their way to assist with things. My sister called me about 30 minutes later and we sat with our video cameras and cried together for a bit. She arranged some substitute activities for her class of second graders and then went over to the house to be there with my mother. It was my mother's birthday. I...

My father passed away this morning in his sleep. It's my mother's birthday. For fifty years, I have had the guidance of two wonderful parents who have nurtured me, supported me, and challenged me. Today we mourn the loss of one of those parents while celebrating the birth of the other one.   Here's my favorite picture of my Dad... He just twinkles so much in this picture, and I love how he is looking mischievous. My friend took this picture of the two of us sitting outside looking at the ocean. He got as far as the bench right by the sand and let the two of us go exploring in the water. The beach was not his idea of a good time - he liked the idea that he could go see it whenever he wanted, but he didn't really want to actually go there. He had the same thoughts about the mountains. He liked being able to see them but didn't want to actually go there. He loved being the host and the center of attention, and I will miss our nightly phone calls so very much. I am Zoom...

I am stuffing lots of emotions way down deep at the moment. This is the second post that I have written this morning. The first was too steeped in grief and guilt and specific situations happening in my life at the moment to share. It was raw and not something that I want others to glimpse often. I may be able to share some of the thoughts at some point with someone, but I just can't do it now. So, here are the happier things happening. When I arrived at work yesterday, the closet was empty of all the stuff that had been stored in it when it was the student store. The carpets were filthy, but I had expected that - not everyone lives by the adage "leave a place better than you found it" that I learned in Scouting - so I swept the big pieces out and vacuumed the dust bunnies. After that, I moved the cabinets from where they were appropriate for student shopping to places where I could maximize the space in the closet for my music therapy stuff, and my intern and I started m...

This has been quite the year, hasn't it? Of course, I am not currently saying anything that will not be true for any human being on this planet when I utter that particular platitude. This has been quite the year.  One of my guilty pleasures is going to the movies. I call it a guilty pleasure because when you go to the movies, you cannot be multitasking. There is a responsibility to yourself and your fellow movie goers to sit and watch without reaching for your cell phone or to try to finish that chore while the movie is running. It is a bit silly to think of actually going to the movies as a guilty pleasure, but it is for me. It is something that I have not been able to do for a long time, and I miss it. I am longing for the day when my local movie theater opens up again, and I can go without wondering if I will be bringing germs to my clients after those hours in the presence of people outside my home-work cycle. Watching movies at home is not quite the same as going to the theat...

I have decreed it to be so, so it shall be so! I started crying this morning when I saw a suicide prevention public announcement encouraging people to engage others in small talk. To be completely honest, this type of crying is not unusual for me at all. My primary emotional outlet is tears and always has been, so having a crying day is not strange. It is normal. Today, however, I think I am going to refrain from some of my "work-from-home" foci to allow myself to be able to burst into tears at any moment without fear of being on video. I think today may be a planning/visual aid/TME development type of day. I can work on music production without having to be filmed, so red, swollen eyes will not be a problem. Why is today declared a "Crying Day?" There is no specific reason, just more of the roller coaster things that are happening in the lives of others at this point. I am physically fine - things are at my normal for this time of year other than the broken fingers...

I woke up yesterday in a down mood. I am not sure if this is based on my hormonal cycle or the circumstances that are happening around me, but it is not my preferred state of existence. I do not like being someone who is on the periphery of situations - I prefer being in charge and making essential decisions. That is not the case right now. I am an extra in the drama of other people's lives, and that is not the place I prefer to be. I am also lonely with all the working from home stuff. I miss my daily interaction with my clients. It is difficult to find songs to sing that provide them with something to do where they cannot engage in choice making or providing input. I have to change my way of thinking about what I am doing in order to make it make sense for me. This is a complete tangent from the title of this post, but I think it will make sense if I write it down. Bear with me. I have always loved the idea of writing music to supplement educational curricula. My first thesis pro...

Yesterday, I took my idea book downstairs to work on it while my Dad and I shared some time together. Dad's idea of sharing time is always accompanied by shows like NCIS: Los Angeles, so we talk a bit, we watch a bit, we argue a bit. I decided to start fleshing out a continuing music therapy education (CMTE) course that I want to start while engaging in conversation, and it went pretty well. I've outlined the first two modules and can start getting the powerpoints started. I tend to start off with a spark of an idea and then I try to figure out how I will get to my desired outcome as I go along the journey. This is how I approach things like treatment planning as well. For some things, I have an established sequence of events, but for most things, I move along within the process itself, adjusting as needed to move towards the end goal. There are times when I think that having a set protocol to follow regardless of client needs/preferences, etc. would be easier, but I know tha...

I'm thinking about retirement. Let me start this conversation by saying that my mother and father recently retired, and their new lives are looking really good to me right now. (This is a side effect of visiting - I actually get to witness what is happening rather than just hearing about it.) My sister has decided that We (notice the use of the Royal We) will be retiring in 9 years when she is eligible to take her pensions and run from her elementary school job. In addition, I will be retiring then as well, and We will travel (again, that Royal We!). I'm telling you. This idea is not hard to contemplate at all. My father's twin, my Aunt, is having to retire this year. She tried retiring last year, but ended up driving herself crazy with inactivity and went back to teaching high school math this year, but it is past time for her to retire and do other things. In direct contrast to my parents (who are finding retirement really enjoyable), she is dreading this transition...

Today is the anniversary of my parents' wedding. My entire life, I've had to explain that they chose this day (typically known as April Fool's Day here) to be married because it was the first day of my Dad's Spring Break from college. They had an entire week for a honeymoon before he needed to get back to school. Mom was already working, and she could have a vacation as well. So, April 1, 1967 was the day. My mother's mom traveled from Springfield, Pennsylvania with my mother's best friend for the wedding. The entire way across the country to Lawrence, Kansas, my grandmother thought that she would find the entire thing to be a joke. I know she knew better, but the thought kept going around and around in her mind. She was the only one who could afford to make the trip, so Mom had a surrogate father walk her down the aisle to my Dad. Mom and Dad ended up having two wedding receptions - one with Dad's family and one with Mom's family. In between the two...

I am currently in my sister's old room, waiting for my family to wake up and get the day started. There is something about this room that leads to deep sleep and lots of good rest. My sister proclaims that it has to be about the lavender walls (I am HIGHLY skeptical about that one). My mother agrees that there is something about this room that is restful but she cannot figure it out either. If my old room still existed as a guest room, I would prefer to be there, but my mother has turned it into her sewing room (as opposed to this one which is the paper crafting room). There really is something special about "at home" rest. I think that I cannot truly "rest" when I am at my residence. There is always something that I need to do. Here, though, there isn't much that HAS to be done, just things that COULD be done. That inspires me. My holiday was pretty quiet (until about 45 seconds after my sister went home). We had a holiday flood in the back bathroom tha...

Do you remember (know) the movie, Dirty Dancing ? The start of the conclusion of the movie has a well-known quote that many of us use in a variety of situations. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner." I'm in a corner right now with limited ways out. I can continue to submit and remain in that corner or I can bust myself out. Busting myself out means giving up several things that I love, but staying in the corner means giving up several things that I love as well. So, I have to decide. The situation was not handled in an appropriate manner. The person who initiated all of this is well within her rights to do so, but it really wasn't handled in a way that respected my feelings. I'm sure that the people involved didn't even think about my feelings but went along on their own agenda. That's the part that hurts the most. So, I have to decide. It is time to either escape from this corner or to submit. I choose to escape and will be doing so as soon as I check in ...

It's Friday, so it's time to contemplate some of my Favorite things about being a music therapist. This Friday's thoughts center around the fact that I am a musician as well as a therapist. It also concerns my birthday and other times when my family gives me gifts. My family doesn't often think about giving me the gift of music or music-themed stuff, even though I have suggested that they get me instruments, or CD, or iTunes cards, or music t-shirts, or music-themed pictures... My dad always says, "Well, I don't want to get you something that you already have." I tell him that I need duplicates and would LOVE more shaker eggs or more tambourines, but he doesn't get the hint. My sister and mother grab every instrument that they can find at their various shopping haunts, but they don't often think about getting the guitar t-shirt. Most of the things that I have in my house that are music-themed have come from friends or purchases I've made for ...

You know how you can get a feel for a day pretty quickly after it starts? Today is going to be one of those days. I started the day off by knocking a full, large, industrial size bottle of ketchup off the top of the refrigerator and the lid broke off splashing gobbets of ketchup all over the kitchen. I've sponged up some of the droplets, but I can't see them all. See the next paragraph. My home all of a sudden doesn't work right, so I have to take yet another day off to get things arranged and fixed. It's time to get going on this task. The issue is that the lights in the kitchen aren't working. The outlets in the kitchen are working fine, but none of the lights are turning on. There is an outlet on the other side of the kitchen that is also not working. The breakers are all on, and I've cycled through them to check. It's not the breaker. My Dad (source of all things home-improvement) told me that it had to be taken care of sooner rather than later, so her...

Yesterday, my father asked me to find him a song. He had heard it in the deli where he and my mother and my sister had lunch, and he knew that it was used in a commercial, but that was where we started. It was a ballad, a female sang it, my sister thought she had dark hair but wasn't Katy Perry, and that was all. All the information that he had about the song he wanted me to find for him. I used my interview skills - honed after working with clients with developmental disabilities for 21 years - "What instruments did you hear?" "Do you remember any of the words that were used?" "Did the music change at all?" Eventually I found out that the last words were, "I let him go." Off to Google I went. [Can I just go on a social media tangent here? Life is so much easier now that you can type search criteria into the computer and have things sent back to you within nanoseconds! Before, I would have had to purchase lots of songs, listened to th...

Today is my last day to purchase anything before having to figure out how to get it back to my neck of the woods. This may not seem like such a big deal, but when you have to pay to ship stuff 1500+miles away, every ounce becomes precious to you! Here's the situation. I am currently visiting my parents and will have to send my holiday presents and everything I purchase today back to my home on Monday. I have one backpack and one checked bag to take back with me. The conundrum?? How many boxes will I need to send, and how much will it cost?? Regardless of that conundrum (which I will take up seriously after my adventures today), I am going out shopping with my Mom and Sister. This fills me with a bit of trepidation as they are champion shoppers who often disappear for hours at a time and travel all over the lower half of the state looking for "just the right thing." Now, I consider myself a decent shopper - I like a good deal and will hunt until I find the right thing,...