music, therapy, and me

I am thankful that this week is almost over. Not because of any one thing happening, but just because I need some time away from holding the anger of clients who will not be celebrating holidays with people that they love. I need some time to shed the despair of children who do not understand why they can't go home when they want to go home. I also need to rest up for the sessions next week and the continuation of all of these feelings for the next month. There is something humbling when you realize that you are a safe space for big emotions. I had this realization yesterday when a client became very angry because I turned down the amplifier that was starting to crackle. This client requires very little to get angry, and the anger turns into disruption and aggression really quickly. This is the second week in a row that I was the reason for an emotional outburst while in music therapy. I finally had the thought that music therapy is a safe space to express emotion, and that helped ...

I am doing something that I rarely do during my breaks from my job as a school-based music therapist - I am leaving my house for a craft class! I signed up for this craft class back in June for a July class, but the instructor broke her elbow and had to reschedule. This is the day, so I am looking forward to going to make something new with people (hopefully, more than just me there!) who share some of my interests in paper and making books. I know the business owner makes the types of books that I like to make, but who knows if there will be others?? I certainly hope so. I have two and a half hours before the class starts, and my time anxiety is already starting. I will go get gas for the car, breakfast for me, and then sit in the parking lot until the store actually opens. I will bring a small bag of my personal favorite crafting items, and I will bring some money for shopping as well! The last time I tried something like this, I ended up being the only person who showed up for the c...

I am at home again today. I am exhausted, crying at every little thing, and trying really hard to stave off a relapse of the virus that I am fighting right now. I am trying to figure out how to best serve my clients, my intern, and myself. It took some convincing to stay at home today, but not as much as it would if I wasn't sick. So, I am in my pajamas, sitting up for the next two hours so my medications don't cause bigger issues, and not worrying about work today. I am exhausted. The only reason I am sitting up is that I have to. The medications that I have to be on each time this happens from now on can cause an infection of the esophagus if I have any sort of reflux, so I have to sit up. I am doing a project - something just for fun - and it has been the most energizing part of my month so far. I finished a bit of the project last night and then called my mom. I was stuck in the toddler-type energy cycle of "I have to run around because I am fighting sleep and will cra...

Today's Random Number is #894 - a post from July 30, 2015 .  Apparently, that date was the second day of my end-of-summer break, and I was in full-out rest mode. I tend to do very little during my breaks from being a school-based music therapist, and I have become a bit more allowing of that particular trait than I have been in the past. I often feel like I need to fill up my time off with tasks in order to be a good person. It has only been recently that I've changed my definition of what it means to be a good person. I was thinking about self-care on July 30th. Apparently, I held a webinar on the 29th all about the topic, so it was fresh in my mind. I think about self-care often. There are times when it feels selfish but there are other times when it helps me continue to do my job. I know that there are many different perspectives about what self-care is and whether it is something important or necessary. My perspective is that there are things I need to do to keep up my abil...

My brain is still not quite ready for anything other than sitting and watching true crime shows on You Tube, so I'm not sure how much I'll have to say about all of this, but the random number generator picked post #2091 for today. This post is from January of 2019 and is concerned with the phrase at the end of every single job description I have ever seen - "Other duties as assigned." I no longer work as the manager of the STARS store at my facility. I am okay with that fact. I ended up gaining more storage space and lots more time to work on other tasks than I had when the store was in my room. I also lost my Fridays without group treatment - that still rankles a bit, but you know - other duties as assigned... That phrase is one that can get me into trouble. I am not an argumentative type, so if my boss asks me to do something outside of my usual job duties, I do it because of that phrase. There are some things, though, in my years at the facility, that I have refuse...

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a bit about wanting to remember self-care when I was feeling overwhelmed. I sat down with a post-it note and put some ideas of what to do in that specific emotional set. Yesterday, I took that information and made it into an index card reminder. Here it is... The stickers are from Audrey Okaya - you can find her on Instagram - @audreyokaya if you are interested in purchasing some of these stickers. (Please note that I do not get any financial benefit from using anyone's materials - I just wanted you to know whose work contributed to this project. The colorful illustrations are hers. The black and white line drawings are mine.) With these stickers, I was able to make a collage of self-care themes. One of the things that I wanted to focus on with this reminder card is that self-care does not mean going somewhere, but it can. There are many things that help me when I am overwhelmed with things happening in the world that do not cost me anything but a bit...

I am currently stressed and crabby as all get out because I made a mistake and then was called out on that mistake in a way that was a bit less grace-filled and more confrontational and I am not happy with myself or the person who called me out. This may be currently affected by my medication side effects - I feel more negative emotions when under the influence than when I am not, so I may be able to forgive myself more readily in a couple of hours than right now. Right now, however, I am stuck in the throes of self-hatred because making mistakes is not something that I like AT ALL and I REALLY don't like being called out in this particular manner which just rubs me the wrong way EVERY SINGLE TIME! Does anyone else just find making mistakes humiliating? I am my own worst critic and there are times when making any sort of misstep sends me into a spiral of shame and humiliation. All self-imposed and all just ridiculous when I get over myself and everything. I talk to my interns and t...

It is that time of year again. It is the time of year when I become a bit more judgmental about my creative efforts and what I think I SHOULD be doing rather than what I am actually doing these days. I do this quite often, and I am always very judgy when it comes to my own performance on my life and my skills. I am not composing these days. I am making birthday bags to celebrate people. I am creating task boxes from scratch for classrooms. I am trying to figure out how to coordinate another department when it comes to laminating (since I guess others cannot be trusted to turn on the machine by themselves - probably with good reason). I am supporting the creative efforts of interns while trying to get myself through the month of September. I am engaging in weekly discussions with music therapy students and interns. I am hosting monthly supervisor discussions as well. I have two part-time jobs that take my time and attention. I am having to navigate the world of contact irritants and al...

I am in a bit of a self-judgy mood at the moment, so please bear with me as I indulge in a bit of self-criticism and reflection. This happens on a regular basis, but it is time to do a bit of this type of thought. Last week , I posted about how I wish my interns knew more about the board certification process and the things that have to happen when you are a board certified music therapist. This week, it is time to turn the focus back on myself. I have been an internship supervisor since 1998. I am currently working with my 34th and 35th interns, and I talk to music therapy students, interns, and professionals often about things that happen in internship programs. I have spent lots of time and energy volunteering for AMTA over a span of about ten years (that ended a bit ago). I write about being an internship supervisor every Monday (well, not EVERY Monday, but as many as I can) on this blog. I have definite opinions about how interns should be trained in their internships, and I share...

My busiest weekend of the year is almost over, and I have survived with little to no aftereffects (as of now!). Last night, at 5:45pm (my time), the eleventh Online Conference for Music Therapy finished up. We had started the evening before and then hosted music therapists from all over the world as presenters and attendees in our online format. I have been part of the planning of these conferences from the beginning of it all, and I love and dread every moment! Now, the love of this conference definitely overcomes the dread that I get, but the weekend of conference is usually my most stressful weekend of the entire year. I have anxiety dreams about the internet going down, missing presenters, things that I have to do not getting done, trying to talk and not being able to use my technology, and all sorts of things that are related to helping to run an online conference and many other things that have absolutely NOTHING to do with anything! It is the one Saturday morning per year that I...

Today is Saturday, the one day where I choose what I want to do with my time and energy rather than having to do what others structure for me...well, in one sense of the word. I do not go to work for someone else on Saturdays - I get to spend time in my home without having to leave unless I want to! I try to keep my Saturdays reserved for rest and relaxation because I work the other days of the week. Today, though, is an exception. Once per month (or about that often), I meet with the other Board of Directors of the Online Conference for Music Therapy, Inc . We talk about the conferences that we run on a regular basis and we plan for what we have to do to get an online conference going and ready for other music therapists from around the world. It is a wonderful bunch of people, so I do not regret the time spent with these folks on my Saturdays. I enjoy our conversations and our problem solving. The rest of the day will consist of me walking around my house, looking at the boxes that a...

One of my former clients often attempted to turn me off like I was a mechanical person rather than a human. He would poke my arm and then model what he wanted me to do - with a neeeee-rm sound. I told him that he had to figure out the secret passcode in order to stop my mechanism, and I was forbidden to divulge that passcode to anyone.  I want a shut-down button. I think I am in the down part of my hormonal cycle which is getting more and more variable as I get older. It would be nice to have a button that would allow me to hibernate and let the world go on around me, but I cannot. The best thing that I can do during these times is to try to maintain my hold on my emotions the best I can. I use my self-care strategies and try new ones, and I fail. Lots. This is going to be a difficult day for me - all of the stuff that is happening is going to be emotional for me. I am already steeped in dread about everything that is going to happen tonight, and I am good at self-fulfilling prophe...

Boy, did I have plans for this week. I was going to be releasing a giveaway on Wednesday. I was going to be getting on top of some work for the Online Conference for Music Therapy. I was going to pack for my upcoming trip to see family for a memorial service. There was so much that I was going to do. Well, these things did not get finished this week because my body decided it was time to complicate matters with a migraine. This was a doozy of a migraine as well - flashing sparkles in my field of vision, extreme light sensitivity, nausea, stabbing headache, and an extremely low body temperature, and just not doing well at all. Add on a continuing asthma cycle, and that was my body this week. Once I regained my vision, I drove myself home, having to use 5 hours of my sacred sick time for this headache. I still had to log onto a Zoom meeting because it was my intern's turn to present. So, for the past three days, all I have done is cower in the corner of the music therapy room, wearin...

I did not want to get up this morning, so I laid in bed for an extra hour and thought about sleeping all day. It was a nice thought, but the reality is that sleeping in all day is not realistic when you have a week of bereavement leave coming up at the beginning of the contract year. I am going to blow through my entire stash of days off to go to the East Coast for a memorial service for my cousin. We are also going to spend some time with other family members, so it will be a combination of mourning and visiting. So, the time off will be well spent, but it is happening, so I can't really take days off to just sleep.  I was talking to an Introduction to Music Therapy student last night about the life of a music therapist. One of the questions this student asked was how I avoided burnout. I liked that question because it is something I think about...lots of the time! My answer included many of the things that I talk about on this blog - things like knowing yourself, finding a suppor...

I was talking to a co-worker yesterday about the extreme fatigue and feelings of frustration, overwhelmedness, and exhaustion that seem to be overcoming our entire workplace. She said something about this pandemic going on for over 600 days now, and I started wondering about how we were going to be working through the effects of this pandemic once we finally get to the point where it is no longer a big, new thing but is just one of those things that happens to us - like influenza. This led me down a rabbit hole of looking for information on the internet. Now, I did not just go with anything that I saw - I think I am so-so at identifying good sources rather than propaganda, but I learned some things about myself and others during this brief dip into the information pool. First of all, it has been 602 days since January 9, 2020, when the WHO announced the presence of this virus (https://www.ajmc.com/view/a-timeline-of-covid19-developments-in-2020). That is all. It has been 538 days since...

It is almost the start of a new school year, one that brings with it a new boss, new focus on what we do as a faculty, and lots of new questions that don't have any answers as of yet. As always, this is the time when I start to think about goals and objectives for the next school year. The first thing that I try to do every year at this time is to read last year's post about goals and objectives. Last year's post was about not making goals for this year due to the uncertainties of the last school year. I guess my focus was more on survival than anything else at this time last year - rightfully so! Of the things that I have mentioned in this post from last year, I have a retirement plan in place (Hooray) and have not had an exhibit yet. I have sold more things this year than in any other year so far, but still have not had a table at an exhibit hall. I won't be doing this particular thing until early next year at the earliest. I wanted to start off by having an exhibit ...

It is the end of my goal period for myself, and I am ready to review what I have done over the past month. To recap, (if you are a regular reader, first of all THANK YOU, and second of all, you can skip the rest of this paragraph...) I decided several months back that making monthly goals around the first of the month was not really working out for me. My patterns and cycles usually mean that I feel pretty positive and happy towards the beginning of the month (that's when most of the full moons are happening this year) and less inclined to complete goals in the middle of the month when my negative cycles and patterns arrive. Goals that I made when feeling positive were impossible to accomplish in my negativity. So, I switched my goal periods around a bit and have found that this schedule is better for actually accomplishing my goals. So, I tend to do my monthly reviews around the 14th and then I establish the goals that I want to accomplish and start them all up on the 15th. Today ...

It is Day One of my Spring Break, and I am doing what I always do - make an un-doable to-do list of things that I want to accomplish in the next eight days. I know that this is not possible, but I still feel compelled to make plans. This time around, though, I am going to try to be smart about all of this...we'll see...keep your fingers crossed for me. I am heading to my post-it notes to help me organize. I have two appointments that I absolutely have to do. Those are going to be listed on CBMT post-its (I have lots of those freebies from conferences past). Work-related tasks will go onto pink post-its. I don't have much to do for work, but I am working my part-time job this week, so I have to complete the Sunday School video and lead the music at worship. Now, though, I have to get to the smaller details. I have three other colors of post-its, so I can arrange things in three different groups of things to get done. I'm going with orange for things that I like to do - I don...