TME Tuesday: Acknowledging the Intrusive Thoughts in the Creative Process
It is the time of year when I become a bit more judgmental about my creative efforts and what I think I SHOULD be doing rather than what I am actually doing these days. I do this quite often, and I am always very judgy when it comes to my own performance on my life and my skills.
I am not composing these days. I am making birthday bags to celebrate people. I am creating task boxes from scratch for classrooms. I am trying to figure out how to coordinate another department when it comes to laminating (since I guess others cannot be trusted to turn on the machine by themselves - probably with good reason). I am supporting the creative efforts of interns while trying to get myself through the month of September. I am engaging in weekly discussions with music therapy students and interns. I am hosting monthly supervisor discussions as well. I have two part-time jobs that take my time and attention. I am having to navigate the world of contact irritants and allergic pink eye again, so there are plenty of things going on in my life. I just feel like I SHOULD be better at doing things.
Ah, feelings of inadequacy, you again.
So many of us have these types of thoughts that intrude in our way of being. This was the topic of discussion one intern ago. I find that many of my interns have feelings of perfectionism that get in the way of achievement and recognition of what is actually happening. We never seem to find what we are doing to be good enough. "Yeah, it's good, but there is more that needs to happen." This is a theme that I try to navigate with others, but I find it very difficult to navigate my own thoughts and criticisms.
Ah, hypocrisy, you again.
Why do we have these feelings on a regular basis? I have a theory.
Our first foray into critical evaluation is through musical performance. The quest in that learning process is often to play the notes perfectly, right?? Mistakes are discouraged. We have to go back and practice more so we can play compositions correctly. For many of us, creative interpretation is secondary to getting the notes right. Is it any wonder that we strive for perfectionism in other areas of our lives?
The critical self-voice comes out when I start to compare myself to others. The voice gets stronger the more I pay attention to it, but it never completely goes away. Even when I am the busiest and the most focused on things that I want in my life, that voice whispers, "now what? You can't just sit there..."
What does this have to do with therapeutic music experience development?
That's such a great question, and it is one that I am currently trying to work through. I guess I had to set these ideas out before I moved on to the topic at hand - returning to some creative processes. I spent some time yesterday just playing the keyboard. I took some of my favorite music books - the Sesame Street Songbook, for one - and sat near my office, playing and singing. I have not been making much music as intern #34 still has three weeks of leadership and intern #35 has started doing entire sessions. I have only two group sessions per week to lead for the next three weeks. After that, I get many more groups to lead! Huzzah!! I digress.
I haven't been making much music, so I made myself do some singing and playing. I selected the keyboard because I am wonderfully functional on the keyboard, but I am not a pianist by any means at all! I still cannot read music in a way that allows me to play fluently (Thanks, piano department! - There's a story there, but not one for today). So, when I am composing or just want to play things, I tend to pick the keyboard so I can practice my skills. I enjoyed my short time of making music just for the sake of making music - no audience, no clinical expectations. I miss music when I am not completely immersed in it.
So, it is time to make room and time for my TME process. I want to make sure that I am using my time at work a bit more purposefully - I know, I say this several times per year. I want to spend some time making music. I want to think about things to do with my clients. I want to continue to work on my current task box project. I want to do it all, but I know that I will not do it all. I can only do what I can do and that is more than enough. It has to be, because that is all I can give. My focus has to be on not exhausting myself, but on finding balance between what I can do and what I feel I SHOULD be doing.
For now, it is time to head to work. Happy Tuesday.
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