Shutting Down in Three...Two...One...

One of my former clients often attempted to turn me off like I was a mechanical person rather than a human. He would poke my arm and then model what he wanted me to do - with a neeeee-rm sound. I told him that he had to figure out the secret passcode in order to stop my mechanism, and I was forbidden to divulge that passcode to anyone. 

I want a shut-down button. I think I am in the down part of my hormonal cycle which is getting more and more variable as I get older. It would be nice to have a button that would allow me to hibernate and let the world go on around me, but I cannot. The best thing that I can do during these times is to try to maintain my hold on my emotions the best I can. I use my self-care strategies and try new ones, and I fail. Lots.

This is going to be a difficult day for me - all of the stuff that is happening is going to be emotional for me. I am already steeped in dread about everything that is going to happen tonight, and I am good at self-fulfilling prophecies...unfortunately. 

It is a 12-hour workday. That is the first scaffold to being a difficult day. It is the night of the Angel Remembrance Service at church. I have to sing. This year is grief-filled for me, and I do not navigate grief and singing well. I am hoping for the strength to sing without tears. My organist has tested positive for COVID, so my other organist will be stepping in. I am finding so much to put on my to-do list that I am feeling really overwhelmed by life circumstances and situations. So, this is the situation that I am going into on this day.

On the last 12-hour workday, my principal shared plans for my space that surprised me and then did not answer my question about the timeline. I ended up sick for two days after. This day will NOT be a repeat of the last one. I am going to go to church after I leave work this afternoon because I still have a couple of hours to go through at that job. So, I am already primed to be hyper-reactive and hyper-emotional. I will need my strength to stuff my emotions down where they need to be until after the service is over. So, I need a plan to express my emotions in a way that is helpful rather than explosive.

Lots of breathing is called for here.

Also, eating right is necessary. I also want to be well hydrated. There is so much to consider when you are in need of some serious self-care.

So, now I will get ready for my life. I will head out into the cold morning to our 12-hour day (ugh) and my 15-hours of work. I will get something for breakfast and something else for lunch. I will drink water during my quick breaks between my five groups for today. I will allow my emotions to occur but I will strive to be mindful and not overwhelmed by how they happen. I will just keep breathing - deeply and smoothly and purposefully. It is time to get dressed in my church clothing for work today - I am going to wear a skirt to work for the first time in about 12 years! It is time.

Take care of yourself, okay? 

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