Sad Saturday

I am currently stressed and crabby as all get out because I made a mistake and then was called out on that mistake in a way that was a bit less grace-filled and more confrontational and I am not happy with myself or the person who called me out.

This may be currently affected by my medication side effects - I feel more negative emotions when under the influence than when I am not, so I may be able to forgive myself more readily in a couple of hours than right now. Right now, however, I am stuck in the throes of self-hatred because making mistakes is not something that I like AT ALL and I REALLY don't like being called out in this particular manner which just rubs me the wrong way EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Does anyone else just find making mistakes humiliating?

I am my own worst critic and there are times when making any sort of misstep sends me into a spiral of shame and humiliation. All self-imposed and all just ridiculous when I get over myself and everything.

I talk to my interns and to my intern colleagues (the folks who I talk to rather than the ones that I actually supervise) quite a bit about imposter syndrome, releasing quests for perfection, and finding grace for yourself when you make mistakes. This is a topic that I can talk about because I am constantly struggling with all of these things. I currently have to figure out how to navigate these particular situations, and the situations happen on a pretty regular basis, even after almost 30 years of being a professional and talking to people about these things for a very long time.

Isn't it interesting that these feelings never really go away completely?

I can spend weeks without feeling this type of feeling - shame, humiliation, all that rot - and then it just comes crashing down on me. I am currently riding the wave of all of these emotions, and my emotional mind is driving all of my responses. My rational mind is holding on for dear life and is reminding me (while screaming as emotional mind is careening around corners and taking the bus down the really bumpy road that we all know) that this is just a phase, and a mistake is not the end of the world and the person who constantly refers to your failings rather than all the other things that you do correctly is just that way and really is not very good at realizing just how offensive they can be in these situations. Also, that person makes just as many mistakes as you do, but you tend to be more diplomatic and tactful when it comes to respecting the feelings of others. My rational brain is a bit nicer than my emotional brain is when it comes to talking to and about other people.

I am allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to be less than perfect. I am allowed to feel what I feel when I get called out, but I am also someone who has to acknowledge my responsibility. I am setting boundaries which other people do not seem to like much, but those boundaries are mine and are important for me to maintain. My boundaries are important for me and if others do not like them, then that exposes more of their issues than my own. My emotions, my energy, and my time are more valuable to me now, so it is time to set my boundaries and keep within them - no matter how others scream about what I am doing.

Okay.

My Saturday plans are changed because of the mistake that I made earlier. I am frustrated by this because Saturdays are the only days that I do not work for anyone other than myself. This mistake means that more of my Saturday is devoted to work than I like. I like being finished with all of this by the time the Dollar Tree opens up. Now I have to wait an additional 90 minutes and the difference between the Dollar Tree opening vibe and the mid-morning vibe is palpable. I do not like delaying my time out and about on Saturday mornings. I will have to go out tomorrow for work and for a medication pick up, but I don't think I will be going out today...now.

One of my music therapy friends recently posted her word of the year all over social media. She asked about anyone else's words. So, I shared my own word for the year - Transform. I am not entirely sure why this word is resonating so much for me right now, but I feel like I am in a cocoon phase and getting ready to change into my next something. I really am not sure what is ahead of me, but I know that there are things in my present existence that I am not thrilled about, so why not take this year to embrace what I want for me? 

It is hard to describe, but I want to be able to make my life more about me and less about reacting to what others insist upon. I had this sort of realization a very long time ago in college when I realized that I wasn't all that keen on any of my classmates, so why was I trying to act like them? I stopped wanting to be accepted by the people around me and just accepted myself. When I was no longer as focused on the others around me who didn't even care enough about me to know anything about me, I was able to find my own way through every part of life. By releasing some of the expectations that I had about what it meant to be a good student or part of a group, I was able to find my voice and my way into this profession. Before releasing my need to be accepted and part of the group, I would stifle my thoughts and responses in order to be acknowledged. I finally realized that I didn't much like the people around me or the person I had to be in order to be on the fringe of the group. I let that go, and no longer cared. It was a wonderful transformation, and I am ready for another one.

Today's step towards transforming into the person I want to be is to acknowledge the mistake that I made, give myself a small amount of time to be disgusted with me, and then move forward with grace into the world without any more issues centered around this mistake.

It's okay.