Nothing At All...Pretty Much All the Time Now

I am spending exorbitant amounts of time these days staring at my blog page, wondering what I am going to write about. Nothing seems to be very interesting to me, and I end up just writing a little bit and then I delete it all. This is the fourth start I've made this morning - everything else has fizzled after two paragraphs.

I'm in a depressive cycle right now, and it has lots to do with compassion fatigue and burnout.

Today I have to confront some co-workers who overstepped their authority last week in a way that complicates my role at my facility, and I'm dwelling on that confrontation. I've agonized over what I want to say all weekend. It's ridiculous that this situation has taken over my brain and body in a way that has affected everything else that I've been doing, but it has. I'm not sure if I'm anxious about this situation or if I'm anxious and my brain has grasped onto this situation to expel that anxiety. It's quite the quandary - you know, chicken and egg type questions.

My anxiety is such that it doesn't take me over completely, but it does tend to show up at the most inconvenient times. As long as I am occupied, I am able to function the way I like to function - looking for the positives and finding them. As soon as I have downtime, I start to ruminate and my anxious feelings build up. Commuting has been difficult lately because I tend to overthink situations and there is very little to do except think when I am driving. My typical entertainment, podcasts and television shows broadcast through my auditory system, just isn't distracting me enough these days.

That reminds me, I need to download new content for my drive this morning. Be right back...

Okay, that's started, so I will have new things to distract me.

I know that these feelings are not really that new to me. This has been going on for a long time now. When I go into these cycles, I tend to be in them for long periods of time. I lose interest in what is happening, and I strive to find something to challenge me - my brain, my interests, my attitude, and my attention - ANYTHING!

I can't find anything interesting in the world of music therapy these days. My job is very routine. Research means little to nothing to me. I don't really care to be part of our association's petty little fights right now, and I hate being bombarded by anger on all sides. It's a mess, and my brain is currently wired to find the negative and to wallow.

I hate wallowing.

Because of the statement above, I am going to spend some time focusing on the "me" part of this blog. I'm going to add some things to my diet that have been missing, and I'm going to evaluate other parts of my life to change what I can change. My postings may be less of a daily thing and more of a "I post when I feel like it" type of thing.

I have made it through this type of season in my life before, and I will make it through this season to the other side. I know this. I have found the steps that I want to try to change my attitude and my interest and my attention and my brain, and I will follow through.

Time to get some apricots, broccoli, peaches, nuts and oranges to boost some of the vitamins that are recommended for folks who are feeling the way I'm feeling. Time to think, confront people who need to be confronted, and then plan on some relaxation in the next week.

First, though, I have to get over my guilt for only working seven days this month... do you think my surgery may have something to do with all of this? Hmm. Something else to consider.

Time to think. Time to go to work. See you when I see you! I'm going to have peaches for breakfast!