Taking a Step Back

I have been really cranky lately. 

If you've been reading my latest rants, you will see this trend going and going and going.

I am not going to apologize. I am who I am, and I feel what I feel. That's that.

I do, on the other hand, need to get a grip on myself and my emotions so that I can do what I need to be doing. So, I am resetting myself in 3...2...1

Here's my mantra to reset myself.

1. I am a human being - fully and wonderfully made. My emotions, feelings, expressions, and opinions are as valid as those of others, and I must recognize that in myself.
2. I am a human being - I will have times when I don't feel well or when I am crabby as all get out. I must acknowledge those feelings and act on them in an appropriate manner.
3. I am a human being - There will be times when I do not act in an appropriate manner, but those actions are owned by me. I have to do what I need to do to repair relationships when I have made choices that lead to inappropriate responses.
4. I am a human being - It is okay to be annoyed by things that are part of other people's human nature, but it is not okay to fault those same people for being what we all are - human.
5. I am a human being - fully and wonderfully made. My emotions, feelings, expressions, and opinions are as valid as those of others, and I recognize that in myself.

Okay. Time to reflect on why I've been so cranky lately. I think some of this is due to weather, some due to hormones, some due to responses of others, and some because I am very tired and not at all interested in giving my rational brain a chance to see things - I am very emotional at the moment - this is probably an indication that I am getting sick. Ugh. I did have to do a breathing treatment yesterday after being at work for a very short time frame. I went to work, walked down the hallway to the bathroom, started having a reaction to the smells in the air, and then had to leave work to do my breathing treatments. Great waste of gasoline. (Uh-oh, here comes the cranky again...I am a human being...I am a human being...) Everything that anyone says or writes or expresses is just making me feel. What am I feeling, you may ask? Oh, that changes from breath to breath. This is usually an indication of illness to come, but nothing has really manifested yet.

So, what am I going to do about this?

First of all, I am going to take my nebulizer and my breathing treatment medications to and from work every day until this holiday season is over. I will not give myself a treatment before I leave because the medication makes me a bit woozy, and I don't trust myself to drive while on it. I will do at least one treatment (maybe two if the smells are really bad) at work per day. This will help me breathe.

Second, I will try to rein in my emotional responses. When someone comments on social media, I will not respond immediately, but I will take some time to think through their comment and why I am so emotional about it. This is where my bullet journal will come in handy.

Third, I will use my lists to keep myself organized. I have lots of intern assignments to review. I am behind on my documentation. I did get the STARS store stocked and placed an order for new stuff, so that can be checked off the list. I will set my goals, and I will work towards those goals steadily. (I don't remember things being so difficult to get done with my other interns - there's something different about how I do things now...I need to contemplate that a bit more...)

Fourth, I will make sure to eat and drink. I haven't eaten since yesterday about 9:30 am, and I'm not hungry, but my lips are getting chapped (so I need fluids), and I know that I need food to keep me going and relatively healthy. I will eat small snacks that are somewhat nutritious and that interest me in the moment. I will make sure to eat a full meal when I get home. I have them frozen right now for just such occasions.

Lastly, I will forgive myself for feeling the way I feel. I often feel great pressure to be happy or at least to act that way so that others don't have to share my emotions. I don't often want to share how I'm feeling with others. In my head, it's no one's business if I am feeling fine or not. I hate being asked this question, and it causes me great stress because I have this idea in my head that a "good" therapist is able to interact even when engaged in emotions. (Emotional brain response there - my rational brain knows better.) All that aside, I do have to make my rational brain take over when it comes to this particular setting - I don't want to be asked over and over again if I'm okay, but the person asking is probably concerned or trying to interpret my interactions or is just curious or is just saying what people say when they have nothing else to say. My stress increases exponentially when asked, "How do you feel?," yet I ask my clients that same thing every single day. Hmmm. Therapeutic breakthrough there? We'll see....

Time to finish this reset with a full glass of water and some breakfast before heading out into the world of dirty snow and ice that surrounds me these days. Got to remember to get the nebulizer and that I am human and that I have a rational brain under all this emotion.