Today Shall Be a Day For Crying

I have decreed it to be so, so it shall be so!

I started crying this morning when I saw a suicide prevention public announcement encouraging people to engage others in small talk. To be completely honest, this type of crying is not unusual for me at all. My primary emotional outlet is tears and always has been, so having a crying day is not strange. It is normal.

Today, however, I think I am going to refrain from some of my "work-from-home" foci to allow myself to be able to burst into tears at any moment without fear of being on video. I think today may be a planning/visual aid/TME development type of day. I can work on music production without having to be filmed, so red, swollen eyes will not be a problem.

Why is today declared a "Crying Day?" There is no specific reason, just more of the roller coaster things that are happening in the lives of others at this point. I am physically fine - things are at my normal for this time of year other than the broken fingers - but my mental capacity is strained by familial concerns, having to wonder if my clients will test positive today, and trying as hard as possible to feel like what I am doing as a music therapist right now has any sort of effect on the world outside my home. (and now, a quick pause as Bella stands on the keyboard to tell us all an important thing or two about life...)

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For the sake of complete transparency on this blog, I added the spaces and line breaks so that Bella's message would fit on the space allocated by Blogger for typing. All the rest, though, is pure Bella-Cat! I wonder what "p0" could possibly mean for us all, dear readers. Hmmm.

To get back to what I was saying before I was removed from keyboard control...

Mentally, I am stressed by things that are happening far away from me that are compounded by the need to remain far away and the circumstances of my recent work changes. My Dad is not doing well and is often belligerent and confused by having to stay in bed, using his bedside commode, the requirement for a lift, and a constantly changing roster of caregivers. His case worker is apparently really sick right now, so others are coming in to oversee his care. Mom is having to deal with leaky pipes for the second time (fixing those same pipes was what was going on when Dad had (what we think was) his stroke), my father, having to learn about the money stuff, dealing with people in her house all the time, having to stay up until 10pm because the nursing staff are busy (we are ALL early sleepers, except for my brother who never seems to sleep), and all sorts of feelings of grief, exhaustion, confusion, and uncertainty. There is nothing I can do to help except to listen to her.

So, that's what I do. I listen to my Mom cry. Nothing I say can be helpful. I cannot do anything to help her physically, and all the things I want to say are about things that I do not want to burden her with right now. I just listen and soak in her feelings because I can't do anything else. After we hang up, I cry.

Now, I know enough about the process of illness and hospice and palliative care to realize that we are in a situation where we have never been. I am feeling lots of anticipatory grief right now. My sister is convinced that Dad will be back up and driving his car in a couple of weeks. Mom is wondering if she will be able to keep caring for him at home and is also wondering if any skilled nursing facility will take him right now. My brother doesn't talk to me, so I'm not sure what he is thinking. I think that Dad will never be what he was three weeks ago, and I yearn to be there, but I am also a bit relieved to be here, so far away and prohibited from having to do these things and watch him disappear. I am simultaneously wanting to be there and needing to be here and to be separate.

Cue the guilt and the tears...Today is a day for crying.

My own life experiences have taught me that hospice and palliative care is not the part of this profession that is for me. I do not do well with issues concerning illness and the active dying process. I know that dying is a part of life, but I cannot engage in that process as a therapist because of my own experiences and emotions. I am thankful that a) there are many music therapists who find this type of music therapy to be their calling in life and b) that I don't have to do that form of this job. Thank you, if you are a hospice music therapist - I appreciate what you bring to the lives of those who are actively dying and those who surround those people. You are heroes to me! I am relieved to know that my role in this process is that of family member, not therapist, but I am also wanting to fix things for my mother, my father, and my siblings because that is what I am "supposed to do" according to my rational brain. My emotional brain, though, is overriding all of these impulses and is sending me into my secondary trauma responses and making me feel all these complicated and opposed feelings.

So, today will be a crying day. A day where I can be isolated in my home, trying to find meaning in making content for students who are not using the resources, letting the tears fall as they arrive, working through some of my complex and simple emotions, and gathering strength to talk to my parents this afternoon.

It is about the time when I plan my day. I have composed a couple of songs lately that need some transcription and recording. I have lots of Therapeutic Music Experiences (TMEs) to write out and then catalog. There are lots of things to do around here that do not end up in a video performance on YouTube, and these tasks will allow me to express my emotions in my body's preferred way of catharsis - crying. I will meet with my interns at noon and then I will do the last supervision time with my senior intern. She graduates in three more work days. There is grief in that relationship as well as joy. I will spend a bit of time putting together holiday and graduation gifts for my interns today since we will be seeing each other on Monday and Tuesday of next week - IN PERSON! I will also see about doing some baking this weekend. Since I cannot go home, I want to make some Christmas cookies to have for our traditional breakfast - cookies for breakfast. I don't think my Mom will be able to make some this year for our family - she's the only one who can eat them due to dietary restrictions right now. I don't know if I could get some to her in time, but I may try. There are lots of things that I want to do, but we will see how much I actually do. I just don't want to succumb to the urge to lay in bed. Tears can come at any time, in any place, so I think it will be important to keep moving forward.

So, through tears will come some creativity, some peace, some anticipatory grief expression, and some cleansing. Since I know that this is how my body is set today, I will give myself permission to feel all the feelings and then express them.

Thank you for reading this.