Ups and Downs

I'm on my third sick day of this week. On Sunday evening, I started something that I've experienced before, but it didn't go away. Usually, when I get this strange pain in my side, it lasts for about 30 minutes and then goes away. Sometimes it comes back after a couple of hours, lasts for about 30 minutes, and then leaves again. This time, it started and did not stop for about 24 hours. I'm to the point now where I have more time without pain than with it, but the pain is still present, and I don't like it. So, since the pain is coming in waves and is pretty intense, I've decided to experience it here at home rather than in the middle of music therapy sessions.

I feel guilty about this.

I feel guilty that I haven't been to work this week. Now, I know that it is better for my health to be able to go through the treatment that my nurse practitioner has recommended, and that treatment has to be done at home where I can access a bathroom immediately. I can't do that when I am supervising groups of students in music therapy sessions, but I still feel guilty about taking the time to be at home rather than at work. This is an emotional seesaw, full of ups and downs. I'm having to stifle my feelings of guilt in favor of feelings of self-care. For the moment (at least), self-care is winning.

My official diagnosis is "possible kidney stones." My sister has just been told that she has "renal sludge." I like my diagnosis a bit better. Apparently, the female members of my family are now experiencing some issues with our kidneys that we will need to investigate further. My brother has conflicting diagnoses with his internal organs at the moment - some folks say "petrified gall bladder," others say, "fatty liver," and yet others say, "who knows?" I'm not entirely clear that his particular diagnoses are actual things. I still like my diagnosis a bit better. 

I can understand kidney stones. I don't have to enjoy them or the things that are happening in my body with them, but I can understand that diagnosis pretty well. At the moment, I am trusting my nurse practitioner and am sticking close to home, just in case.

Which leads me back to the guilt.

I am to the point where I am restless here at home. The pain still comes and goes, but it's not present exactly at this moment, so I wonder if I should try to go to work. Then, I remember the treatment protocol that I am in the middle of right now, and know that I should wait until the results occur. Enough said about that. Since I am restless here, I know that I will be going back to work tomorrow, pain and dizziness and treatment notwithstanding. I will do everything that I can to minimize the effect of this situation so I can get to work tomorrow. 

Ups and downs. Ups? I am taking the time that I need to engage in some self-care. Downs? I am using sick time by being away from my job. Ups? I am surrounded by my home things. Downs? I am surrounded by my home things - and the clutter which leads me into further feelings of guilt that I stuff down as deep as possible...

Ups and downs...

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