music, therapy, and me

I have officially entered the time of the year where it is difficult to tell what day it is on any given day. I have to look at my calendar to see what I will be doing today. As a result, I wake up a bit confused each and every morning. Today will include a change in my schedule - most of my clients from my first group will be gone for the morning to compete in the local Job Olympics. So, I will have an extra hour to sit and contemplate things - or take stuff to my car - that would be a better use of that extra time. I have so much stuff, and I have so little motivation to organize it into useable systems. Just can't get myself to take control of the stuff yet. I am hoping that I will find that motivation before I am finished with stuff, but that's not really happening - yet. I have set up some shelves, and more are on the way for the library.  I am a hoarder. I don't think it is pathological - yet - but it could easily become that way. I have difficulty getting rid of just...

In a week and a half, I will be the only inhabitant of my therapy suite. One of my suitemates is retiring, and the other accepted a great, new job and will also be leaving. This will mean that I will have that space all to myself again, and I am in a state of anticipatory grief. I have worked with these co-workers for my entire time at my current job, and I am also getting ready to retire, so there are lots of feelings swirling around and in me at the moment. I find that anticipatory grief is the worst state for me. Knowing that something is going to happen and having to get used to the idea is more difficult than being thrown into grief. (Now, please know that this is my opinion rather than a fact, so you are encouraged to form and express your own opinions about what I say - any time or any topic!) Knowing that my co-workers are leaving is hard to process, especially when I still have to see them for the next week and a half. I have not told my clients that I am retiring from this jo...

Why are Tuesdays more difficult than Mondays in my world? No, seriously. I am struggling this morning more than I did yesterday when I felt horrible. I now have a headache and chills to complicate matters. It is not virus or bacterial, it is all about the headache. Recently, I've been waking up with what I consider a migraine situation - difficulty with temperature regulation (it is interesting having hot flashes and chills simultaneously), headache that moves all around my brain, and light sensitivity. I have not had these types of headaches before - usually my migraine activity happens when I am awake, and I get a visual migraine first. Not with these things. When I woke up this morning, it was when the light turned on. I was not feeling it. I allowed myself to stay in bed until about an hour after that event. Now I am up and not really looking forward to going to work today. I found out yesterday that my second suite mate is leaving in two weeks when the first suite mate is reti...

It is the first day after Spring Break, and I have torn myself away from my bed and to the computer. I will be taking a shower here in a bit before heading to work, stopping to get gasoline on the way. I will see five groups of students and one individual before doing bus duty and then returning here to collapse into my bed. My knees are still hurting after kneeling on the floor to do behavior management training and CPR during the professional development day that we had just before we left for break. This means that I will not be moving much until my knees are no longer hurting. The first day after a break is usually pretty smooth because students are glad to be back. The second day after a break is usually pretty rough because none of us want to be back. I am hoping that today goes smoothly because I have lots that I need to get done in between session times. They have hired my successor, so I need to get my things out of the storage space as soon as possible. I have made a good sta...

It is the last day that I can sleep in for about two months. Spring Break is over as of this evening, so I will be returning to my work routine for three months and a week more before I will retire from this job and start my next music therapy iteration. I have had a busy week of appointments and spending money like I have it. My car is aligned and the brake fluid has been replaced. I have my taxes submitted and refunds on the way. I am feeling confident in my financial situation, and I have plans swirling around in my head for what comes next. I took some time to play with paper and made a small book. It has been a pretty good break. I also missed a meeting that I was supposed to run, so there is that.  Yesterday, I had a peer supervision meeting, constructed some shelves for the library room, and finished a book by Mercedes Lackey. I made a big breakfast and had a pizza bowl for dinner. I also ordered new shoes, new shopping bags, and some more shelves. I will be going grocery sh...

Oh, no, here I go again, trying to find something new to keep my brain going and not atrophying from lack of use. As the reality of moving from full-time employment to something else entirely is getting closer to actually happening (lots of discussions with different people about this topic this week and more to come). I alternate between panic and excitement, anticipation and absolute terror, and all the other emotions as I think about what will happen on July 1. Meanwhile, I still have three months and a week to go before this becomes a reality. In the meantime, I am getting ready to release a new thing via my website (ugh, the website needs SO much work - put it on the list!). For a long time, I have wanted to put together a subscription box - themed or goal-based - for music therapists. About the time I wanted to start this up, I found a company who was doing just that, so I did not pursue the idea further and just subscribed to Music Therapy Mailings. They have since discontinued ...

I have not written much lately. No reasons why, just not really in the mood to sit and write about music, therapy, or me in the past week or so. What I have been doing instead is reading books - all sorts of mindless books that just keep my brain occupied but do not really add too much to my knowledge. I will go to the library today because I am at the end of my most recent book. It is a good time to introduce new reading materials into my environment. Lately, I have been watching lots of book journaling content creators. I am not interested in making my own book journal (too much like the book reports that I hated all through school), but I enjoy watching people decorate theirs. I am also making some book journals, but I will not be using them. I find the book journal videos to be simultaneously pretty and ridiculous, but I am drawn to them over and over again. I wonder if I would be more inclined to read music therapy journal articles or texts if I was more into book journaling - mak...

I missed a meeting yesterday, and that is the worst thing I can do for my well-being and peace of mind. I hate when that happens. I hate it when my brain just forgets things and don't do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. What a great way to start off this break! I have two appointments today - one to get the dishwasher fixed (hopefully it will actually get fixed today) and one for my medical health. I am just trying my best to get from one thing to the next this week. It won't be an actual break away from obligations. Tomorrow's appointment is with my financial advisor - I have to figure out how I am going to survive come July.  Argh. I am frustrated by myself and my lack of remembering the meeting that I had scheduled.

I dragged my body out of bed this morning at 4:15 am because it has to be done. I have to get into a routine of getting up and getting going during these early morning hours for this week before a week where I do not have to be up this early. I think that this is cruel and unusual punishment. In addition, this is a week with a 12-hour day in it, so that means late night medication, medication side effects, and late arrival at work for a kid-day the next day. There is so much that is wrong with this week, but it all starts with the time change. I woke up with an actual aural alarm this morning. This is unusual for me. Music in my environment tends to be startling, so I use a light to help me get up. I am usually awake before the light turns on, but not always. The change in the light environment helps me wake up. I think my father is responsible for this. He used to tell me it was time to get up by turning on my bedroom light when I was younger. As much as I pleaded that he turn on the ...

This is one of my least favorite days of the year - the day where we spring forward and mess with time. I don't understand it, the number of hours of daylight do not change at all, it doesn't help the farmers, and there doesn't seem to be any reason to continue to go through this process of changing time, but it continues. I am tired already, and it has only been one morning. Ugh. 

I am in the middle of the World Music in the Classroom Summit and also had a peer supervision session with a fellow music therapist earlier today, and I am finding some inspiration for my blog post a bit later than usual today. In the 11 minutes between sessions, I will try to put some of my ideas down here. One of the things that has struck me as I am watching music educators talk about their musical passions is that my own change significantly based on day, hour, and minute. Not to mention the changes that have happened over the weeks, months, years, and decades of being a professional music therapist. It is often interesting to look back on the things that I found interesting back when I was brand new and compare them to the things that I find interesting now. I think about this as finding my "why." Why do I enjoy my job? Why do I enjoy being a music therapist? Why do I engage in continuing education topics? Why do I want to do things like content creation and information ...

Yesterday, as I was scrolling my Instagram feed, I found a notification about an education summit all about global music that is starting this afternoon and will go until Sunday. I signed up, and I am getting ready for this conference with a professional development day. I bought Mexican food for this time, and I am now getting ready to uncover my notebook for continuing education and settle into my computer area to watch things unfold. (See yesterday's post for the link to the conference!) To prepare for this conference (which is NOT a music therapy conference but that works with one of my interests as a music therapist and content creator), I am not doing anything all that specific or taxing. I am resting this morning so I will be ready for the information overload that will be happening later on today. From 10-5 my time for the next two days, I will be listening to ways to bring in more world music into my music therapy sessions.  I am looking forward to this. Elementary music e...

I was scrolling around Instagram this morning and found a FREE world music summit opportunity, so I signed up! As you may know, I do a "Country of the Month" theme in my music therapy sessions. Each month, I feature the music and some of the cultural elements of a different country. We learn about the instruments, we watch videos about the traditional and current music played in the country, and we learn a bit about what life is like in different countries. It is an interesting process to introduce the world to my clients who often do not understand the concept of language, cultural differences, and other aspects of culture and community. West music (I love them!) is sponsoring this summit, and I am hoping that I can get tomorrow off so I can attend most of the presentations. This is not something that is preapproved for Continuing Music Therapy Education (CMTE) credits, but it will not be difficult to make a case for myself and for CBMT about why this is important to learn. ...

I am not sure what is going on with my brain lately - well, that's not entirely true, I know what is happening that is making my brain go into impossible, anxiety-inducing thoughts and responses, but I am trying to figure out how to decrease the amount of dreaming that I am doing right now. Last night's dream was about a tragedy of some sort that happened to all of us. I was one of several people moving through the world after a big event that affected all sorts of things. I woke up after discovering a bunch of car keys and starting a plan to use different cars that we could find in the parking lot to go to the next destination. I can completely see why this is my current frame of mind when sleeping. There is so much horrible stuff happening in the world, and I have been watching a K-drama that has to do with a nuclear incident. So, I totally know why this is on my mind, but I do not like that it is leaking into my dreams right now. I do not remember most of my dreams. I assume...

I woke up this morning feeling like it really needs to be an inclement weather day but being disappointed seeing that NO ONE has called off school! I hope that this means that the roads are nice and smooth without any ice on their surfaces. I really hope that this is true because I have been in accidents on days where it should have been an inclement weather day and wasn't. I'm a bit anxious about driving this morning, so I may wait a bit before leaving - icy streets are a bit easier to take when I can see things more clearly. Being able to see any obstacles might make things a bit less anxiety-causing for me today, it might not. We are going to be talking about Ireland this week in my music therapy sessions. I have my penny whistle to play for my clients. They often want to play instruments as well, but the penny whistle is not one that can be played. I do have recorders and flutaphones, but I hate using them with my clients. They are such a hassle of cleaning and germ mitigat...

I am in a season of introspection and finding myself to be severely lacking. This happens to me every so often, usually around conference time, and it is a ridiculous situation that always throws me for a loop and sends my self-confidence into the basement. This is an example of my emotional brain taking over and running roughshod over my rational brain, and it is something that I just have to work through. Most of the time, this crisis in confidence comes after I hear of the wonderful things that other music therapists are doing out in the world while I feel like my own contributions are nothing. This usually goes on until I get to the point where I realize that I may not be adding to the research side of things (I've tried, but that is an entirely different story!!), but I am doing the job that others just study. Most of my feelings are that of jealousy, but I really do not want to be in the same sort of position of those who I am jealous of. Darn you, emotional brain! I woke up ...

Currently, there are a BUNCH of new students who are having difficulties getting into the idea of school. The sheer number of tantrums over being asked to sit in a chair rather than running around the room is ridiculous, and all I can think is the song, "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain. Over my career, I have seen so many things that were surreal. It takes quite a bit of novelty to make me take notice. A screaming temper tantrum is not something novel, but for some reason, our current crop of students think that they will get what they want when they engage in this course of action. The best boss I ever had said something once that I often think about. She told us that our job was the equivalent of doing the box step in dancing. This analogy continued with the reinforcement of the thought that we exist in the lives of our clients to provide structure and clear expectations. We move in a predictable manner, always box stepping - nothing too exciting, but someth...

My sister read my blog post yesterday and noted that music is missing from my self-care routine. It is true, music does not feature in my self-care routine. I do not listen to much music outside of my music therapy clinic, and I no longer make music in a community of musicians. So, music is not a big part of my life outside of what I share with my clients. I'm not sure how I feel about this. This is not something new (even the lack of musicking in a community of musicians has lasted over a year and a half now), but it is interesting to me. After a day of handling the emotions of others and navigating the world of music therapy with my population, I need something different to fill up my background. My noise creator of choice is television shows and movies. I have a bunch of things downloaded to my Kindle, so I have company through stories during my commutes. I do not stream music outside of my therapy space, so music is not something that I really use when on the move. Here at home...

I don't want to go to work today. I just want to sleep in my comfortable bed, but I have used up all of my allotted days for time off, so I will get myself to work to do music therapy stuff with my clients.  I know that my feelings have more to do with the current state of the world and my facility than me, but that is little comfort when the dread of having to go to work takes over. Of course, this is also affected by the fact that we have had very few five day work weeks in the past seven weeks since our Winter Break. It is also affected by the fact that we still have three weeks until our Spring Break. Also, many of my therapy cohort were gone yesterday. They have time off still. Lucky ducks - mine was taken up by my colon cancer surgery at the very start of the school year. Oh well. I knew this was going to happen. Since I cannot take time away from work without financial repercussions, I have to find my self-care in other ways. Right now, self-care is coming through eating bet...

This is the time of year when school work seems to be never-ending. For some reason, the spring semester is SO much LONGER than the fall semester. I don't know why that is, but it is. Today is the start of the three weeks we have before Spring Break. After break, we have a stretch of time that just goes on and on and on before the end of the regular school year. For some reason, most of our days off happen before Winter Break and the spring has very little to look forward to in terms of self-care and designated time off. We also haven't had many snow days this year - just one so far, and very little indication that others will happen. Of course, the weather is still very unpredictable, but I'm not holding my breath for more inclement weather days this school year. This also makes the spring semester seem very long. In my behavior management training, we are often told to consider the difference between actual and psychological time, especially when in conflict with a studen...

Today is the start of the #The100DayProject , a creative challenge that lasts for 100 days starting today. This is the third time that I am attempting this challenge, and I have decided to make things using the stuff that I already have rather than purchasing new materials for the next 100 days. I started yesterday because I had a creative itch that I needed to scratch. I made a summer-themed journal with some paper that I bought about a year ago. It is not finished, but I made a good start on it. The cover is done, except for the strings to keep the signatures secured. It is a frothy type of journal - lots of pastel colors. I will post pictures when it gets a bit more finished. I will not be creating every day of the next 100 days, but I do strive to use what I have in my creative exploits. I have lots of materials to use and to use up. I have stamps and dies and paper and cardboard and all the stuff. I am allowed to buy double sided tape if I need it, but everything else is off the p...

I had a couple of rage moments yesterday at work. They were not pretty, and one of my suitemates came over and shoved some chocolate under my nose to placate me. It helped a bit, but I was still very angry at the situations and people involved. This has been a long week. It started with a day off where I got many things done. For some reason, Monday days off make the rest of the work week go poorly. In addition, we had to work 11 hours on Wednesday to make up time in our contracted hours. So, we ended up working a 36 hour week rather than a 40 hour week. The extended hours meant that I had to take my pain medication later than usual so I ended up being very tired yesterday morning which did not help my disposition. All sorts of things just culminated in a temper tantrum yesterday afternoon. I am a bit ashamed about this, but I am also reaching the end of my patience. People are shouting out comments about my retirement in the hallway when I am not ready to share that with the general p...

Apparently, today is Ash Wednesday. This used to be a big deal when I was a church music director, but it is just another day for me now. In fact, I just figured out that it is actually the beginning of Lent. I have been blissfully unaware of the church calendar for the last two years, and I have found that I really don't miss the work, and I REALLY don't miss the people who tried to make me do their jobs without proper payment. There you go. As I remember the things about my spiritual practice that I loved, I find that most of what I miss is the rituals present in that practice. I had never had my forehead crossed before I started working at the church that I was part of for 26 years. I loved the ritual, the comfort of the same words through nine pastors, and the ability to share music in those spaces and times. It was something that indicated the busiest part of my liturgical year, but it was also the most meaningful. I am still angry about how things ended at that job, but I...

I am supposed to have a list of questions for my current supervisor to ask interviewees along with key phrases for him to listen for. I have been struggling with this because I honestly don't know what would be meaningful for him to know about candidates. The questions I would ask as a therapist are very different from the ones that a principal would ask. I really am feeling very reluctant about being part of this process because I was interviewed by the person I was replacing, and it was not an interview at all - it was them telling me how to do things. I didn't do any of the same things when I started - it was complicated, but I was doing two jobs for the facility at that point so things had to change. I do want to meet the candidates, but I want to be the person who gets to show them what we already have in place rather than being the one who asks questions. I don't want to end up being a scapegoat if things do not work out with the person selected. A cruise of AI-genera...

I did quite a bit yesterday - not all of it was good, but I got lots done. It is time to start the last day of this long weekend on a good note and just get it all done. Tomorrow, it is back to the grind, but today is just for me to do what I need to do around here. The dishwasher is still clogged. It got worse when I tried to "fix" it, so I will need to call someone else in to fix things up. I will do that around 8am when the business opens to see if they can come in today. If not, I'm not sure what I will do - perhaps they can come tomorrow after I am finished with work. I hope I can get things to work pretty soon because I am just not able to continue with things the way they are. Blech! I need to get to cooking up some food for my next several days at work and here at home. I'm trying some new nutritional programs, so I have to get going to keep up the momentum. I am navigating the things that I cannot eat versus the things that I will not eat (there are LOTS of t...

Today is the 15th - a day when I try to figure out what is next for my website and my business. I don't always sit down and brainstorm, but I am feeling it today, so it is time to dream and plan and set my quests for this next month. I also have a grocery order to pick up, library books to return, and an OCMT board meeting to do today. I also have dishes, a dishwasher to try to unclog, and a shower to take. Lots to do, but I want to spend some time with my business binder, writing down ideas during my process. It has been a good weekend so far. It rained yesterday, so I laid in bed for a lazy morning. I spent some time organizing some of the spaces in my room down here, and then read a book. Today, though, has to be something different. It is my goal to get my living room ready for the vacuum as I am doing a baking soda/vinegar unclogging attempt for the dishwasher. Oh, I also set my intention for #The100DayProject for 2026. I am going on a no-spend crafting spree - the only thing ...