I Can See a Long Weekend from Here

Two groups, bus duty, and lots of cleaning between me and a long weekend of cleaning here at home.

Today is payday which is helpful since I was scraping the bottom of the money barrel this month. January was a bit more expensive than I thought it would be. Back to my budget, I guess.

My anxiety dreams continue, but this one was a bit better than the one on Tuesday. This morning's edition was about a competition where I had to find something out before two guys, and I was flailing about without knowing what they were doing. I don't have to guess where that theme came from.

I have to come up with questions to ask potential replacements for my principal, and I'm not sure what to suggest. How do you send questions about music therapy to a non-music therapist to screen candidates for the job that you have? While I appreciate the trust, I am concerned about being part of the conversations. It's just weird to be part of the interview to find a replacement.

I woke up to find that a high school band mate has passed away. This is happening more and more these days. My mom just tells me that this is the time of life when this is part of life. Since she is 81, I guess she knows.

I wonder how much of my anxiety is coming from anticipatory grief from the fact that I am leaving something that has been so much part of my life for the last three decades. Talking about things in the hallways has not helped, so I asked my principal to decrease that topic when we are in the hallway. I know that the news is out, but I don't need to be bombarded by that in every conversation that I have from now on. I will quash others with a ruthless commentary - once I figure out what that commentary will be!!

Today's work to-do's include continuing to clean and organize my office/storage at work. I am trying to figure out how to get things home without losing materials that I need for therapy purposes. 

I went through the handheld percussion instruments, shifting them from the large boxes that are breaking to smaller boxes that are significantly newer. As I was sorting the egg shakers (all my facility's) and the novelty shakers (mostly mine), I was thinking about all the stuff that I have accumulated over the years. I put some instruments that have not been used for a bit into the take home pile. I like the head clackers - they look like people and their mouths open and clack - but I took them home (they are mine). They are in my car in the garage right now. My students have shown little interest in them in the past year, so they can leave without too much drama. Things will be leaving on a regular basis so it will not be as much of a shock when I leave myself.

I feel split in two these days - there is working music therapist who has to concentrate on her clients and work routine, and there is pre-emptive retirement music therapist who is trying hard to organize what is going to happen on July 1. That's part of the entire anticipatory grief thing happening which is leading me into the world of anxiety dreams.

I'm going to take this most recent one into the shower and let it wash down the drain. See you tomorrow...