Imposter Syndrome

I am in a season of introspection and finding myself to be severely lacking.

This happens to me every so often, usually around conference time, and it is a ridiculous situation that always throws me for a loop and sends my self-confidence into the basement. This is an example of my emotional brain taking over and running roughshod over my rational brain, and it is something that I just have to work through.

Most of the time, this crisis in confidence comes after I hear of the wonderful things that other music therapists are doing out in the world while I feel like my own contributions are nothing. This usually goes on until I get to the point where I realize that I may not be adding to the research side of things (I've tried, but that is an entirely different story!!), but I am doing the job that others just study. Most of my feelings are that of jealousy, but I really do not want to be in the same sort of position of those who I am jealous of.

Darn you, emotional brain!

I woke up early this morning, ruminating about past situations that have been over and done with for years and years (over a decade now). I wonder why my brain takes over in those times in ways that cause me more stress. I wonder if my brain is flooded with something that makes me wake up in the middle of night to think about the times when I have been at my worst or if the thoughts make my brain wake up. It probably is a bit of both happening. 

So, how do I get over these thoughts?

I don't really, but I work through them each time. The way I usually work through these thoughts is to throw myself into creation. I have about three different projects that I want to start, so this is a good moment to get those things going. I find that I can work through the imposter syndrome and jealousy feelings (that often come together to roll around in my thoughts) when I offer things to others. So, I will be figuring out some things to work on as the storm rolls in and my brain echoes that turbulence. 

Oh, that's another thing. We are anticipating a wintry mix to happen tonight. I wonder if that has something to do with all of my turbulent thoughts and feelings...

It continues to amaze me that I continue to have these feelings of inadequacy, even after 33 years of being in this profession. Most of the time, these thoughts are signals that I am getting sick, so we will see if that is the case. I hope it is not as I really need to be at work for the next four months. 

No temperature right now. That's good.

There is so much happening right now. People are stopping me in the hallway to talk about my impending retirement. I am trying to keep it somewhat quiet, especially in front of clients, because I cannot spend every work day from now until the end of June talking about leaving. The constant talk will lead to some unnecessary grief processes for clients who will be leaving before I will. I will tell my clients that I will be leaving during the month of June. It will be interesting to see how many of them already know at that point.

I am trying to envision a world where I do not go to my current job every day, and it is both thrilling and terrifying. I have some contingency plans, but I need to start examining options. In the meantime, I will work on something to offer the music therapy clinical community to help me get over my imposter syndrome and jealousy!!

Happy Sunday!! I am glad that February is over, but we did not get as many snow days as I wanted this year (so far). That is what February is best known for, in my opinion.