Taking Some Time To Contemplate

She REALLY likes my robe!

I have written a version of this blog post now about five times. I got a bit frustrated with myself because I was coming across as a bit too whiny and "poor me-ish," even for me - just couldn't stomach what was coming across my keyboard. So, I decided to change up my routine a bit and see if that would help me write something that includes some sort of solution to problems that are happening around me.

I took my shower in the middle of my morning rather than at the beginning or at the end like I usually do. My routine is more of a task list than a schedule, so I often mix things up a bit, but showers are not usually all that flexible for me for some strange reason. I decided to see if some shower time would help me to figure out what is going on with me.

Here are some of the details. My family members, all out in California, are struggling with various and sundry medical issues. Some of these are specifically time-framed, others are not. I am here, stuck 1500 miles away, and I am not able to launch into the role that I feel I need to do - that of caregiver. I am simultaneously relieved and feeling guilty about not being able to be there. I am also a bit preoccupied about fixing things even though I know it is not all that possible to fix things from this distance.

My cat, Bella, is having to go to the vet again, this time for sedation and x-rays because she hasn't stopped limping. The last time we went to the vet, the vet didn't seem to think that Bella had arthritis or a break, but things have not completely resolved. We have plunged into the world of cat tranquilizers and appointments and unexpected costs and unknown diagnoses. I am not very good at medical appointments for myself and having to take her into the world of the unknown (at the same time that family members are going through the same type of thing) is a bit preoccupying at the moment. She and I will be heading out into the coldest morning of the year tomorrow morning, and I will abandon her at the vet for her x-rays. I will go to work and then come back in between jobs and pick her up. The last time she had to stay at the vet's, she had either a mini-stroke or a vestibular event (we did not get the expensive kitty MRI to see which because the treatment was the same). So, there's that to dread as well.

I'm scared of what may be found. 

So, I took myself to the shower to do some mindless tasks and to think about why these situations made me feel so stressed.

Here's what I discovered.

I am uncomfortable when I am not in control of information. (This is not a big surprise to me, but it was important to acknowledge in this current mood and state of thinking.) I always want to know, and I hate being in between. My imagination takes over, and I always go to worst-case scenarios in my imagination. I've thought about parents in assisted living, a sister with colon-cancer, having to make life and death decisions for my cat. These things all scare me, but I think about them anyway. I think I'm very much like Schrodinger in these situations - I can see many different outcomes but I cannot see where we will go. Problem.

It comforts me to remember that I am not in charge of everything for everyone. I like to be in control, but there are things I cannot control...and that's (shudder) okay. I can only control my responses to things. Acknowledgement.

I find my center in completing tasks. Today's tasks now include picking up Bella's tranquilizers from the pharmacy (did you know that Walmart does pet medications??) as well as some fancy food for her. I will be lacing her fancy food with the medications tonight and tomorrow morning (as per the vet's instructions). I have other tasks to do as well - an interview, emails for the Online Conference for Music Therapy, a presentation to coordinate, my regular job, and some other shopping that has to be done. As long as I can control some things in my life, I have the feeling that the things that have to happen without me will be okay. This may be a misguided notion, but it is one that I carry with me.

You may be wondering why this topic is one that I'm including on a blog about music, therapy, and me.

I think this is something that I talk about here because I don't think we often talk about these types of realities with other music therapists. There are times when things in my portion of "music therapy land" is not all sunny and melodic. This is something that we all have to acknowledge at some point in our lives. We cannot always separate the personal from the other. There are times when those things will intersect. I feel that it is important for me to make these types of statements about my life and how being a music therapist is either something that benefits me or causes additional challenges or stressors because I know that others go through these same feelings. I want you to know that this is what happens to me at various times in my life so that, if you join me, you know that there are ways to work in and through these situations as a therapist.

WE ARE OKAY!

There is a bit of stigma associated with not being all together and coordinated and the ultimate professional at all times doing all things for all people. We who tend towards perfectionism are very self-critical. Others may see what is happening in our worlds and marvel at how organized, calm, and put together we are, but we feel like we are constantly in turmoil. Perception of self and others is important, but we must remember that perceptions are biased, especially our own!

It is time to finish this up and move into the creative part of my morning. I have about 20 minutes to make something, and I feel like I really need to make something today. I think word art is the way to go - random and not-so-random words made into a word collage. Off to my craft desk to work out a bit more of my feelings about things.

Thanks for helping me contemplate what's going on in my life right now.