Ups and Downs
Yesterday I found out that I still have traces of pneumonia, so it is very likely that I will not be having my ACL surgery next week as planned. The surgeon's questionnaire asked if I had pneumonia in the past six weeks, and the bell in my head started tolling. Rationally, I understand why it's not a good idea to put anesthesia into the mix of fluid-filled lungs, but my emotional mind is all over the place.
I've felt very much like Shrodinger's cat lately. Or maybe I've felt like the observers of that cat. There are two realities for me right now. The first reality, the one I prefer at this point but which I think is out of my reach now, is surgery on Tuesday with the start of recovery and therapy on schedule as planned. The second reality is postponing surgery to Thanksgiving time, getting my lungs completely clear and healthy again, and then starting the process later than hoped for, but in a way that has less health risk. Until yesterday afternoon and my most recent chest x-ray, both paths were equally likely. It's a strange way to live, and I am starting to feel better now that I can see one path rather than two.
I've been preparing my clients for the possibility of my absence. We've talked about my injury, the surgery, and what they will do while I am gone. Most of them know that I was going to have surgery next week, so when I am there next week it may confuse them. It may not. I know one client who will be very relieved that I am present. He tends to stress out when I am gone, even when I am not scheduled to see him. It's going to be more difficult to convince them that I'm going to go for another surgery date, but I can do it.
I'm waiting for confirmation from the surgeon that he doesn't want to see me on Tuesday.
Today, I am going to head into my job, do the sessions I have before me, and try to figure out what I need to do now that I'm going to be around the next two weeks. I'm having some emotional control issues, so I will probably do some crying in private when clients aren't present. I'm going to try to talk to the pre-op nurse today to get confirmation of my cancellation and then talk to the scheduling person to get things rescheduled. I bet I'll be going through this process again in about six-eight weeks.
What does this have to do with music therapy? At the heart of this particular struggle is me, the therapist. I have always felt that it is impossible to completely shed my personal entity and identity when I enter a therapeutic environment - anyone who tells you differently doesn't really understand the role of therapist. It is possible to use my humanity to better the lives of my clients. Today may need to be a movie day in the music therapy room. I don't know if I can be an effective therapist when it comes to focusing on the needs of others more than the needs of myself. On the other hand, being fully present and focusing on the needs of others may be the best way of finding my center again. I'll know what we all need when I get into the group settings.
So, now it's time to put on my work shoes, head out into the world, and see what is in store for me for the next several months.
I know one thing - more light duty. I hate light duty! I also miss being able to sit on the floor, play with my clients, and move quickly. Someday, I'll be fixed! Someday!!
I've felt very much like Shrodinger's cat lately. Or maybe I've felt like the observers of that cat. There are two realities for me right now. The first reality, the one I prefer at this point but which I think is out of my reach now, is surgery on Tuesday with the start of recovery and therapy on schedule as planned. The second reality is postponing surgery to Thanksgiving time, getting my lungs completely clear and healthy again, and then starting the process later than hoped for, but in a way that has less health risk. Until yesterday afternoon and my most recent chest x-ray, both paths were equally likely. It's a strange way to live, and I am starting to feel better now that I can see one path rather than two.
I've been preparing my clients for the possibility of my absence. We've talked about my injury, the surgery, and what they will do while I am gone. Most of them know that I was going to have surgery next week, so when I am there next week it may confuse them. It may not. I know one client who will be very relieved that I am present. He tends to stress out when I am gone, even when I am not scheduled to see him. It's going to be more difficult to convince them that I'm going to go for another surgery date, but I can do it.
I'm waiting for confirmation from the surgeon that he doesn't want to see me on Tuesday.
Today, I am going to head into my job, do the sessions I have before me, and try to figure out what I need to do now that I'm going to be around the next two weeks. I'm having some emotional control issues, so I will probably do some crying in private when clients aren't present. I'm going to try to talk to the pre-op nurse today to get confirmation of my cancellation and then talk to the scheduling person to get things rescheduled. I bet I'll be going through this process again in about six-eight weeks.
What does this have to do with music therapy? At the heart of this particular struggle is me, the therapist. I have always felt that it is impossible to completely shed my personal entity and identity when I enter a therapeutic environment - anyone who tells you differently doesn't really understand the role of therapist. It is possible to use my humanity to better the lives of my clients. Today may need to be a movie day in the music therapy room. I don't know if I can be an effective therapist when it comes to focusing on the needs of others more than the needs of myself. On the other hand, being fully present and focusing on the needs of others may be the best way of finding my center again. I'll know what we all need when I get into the group settings.
So, now it's time to put on my work shoes, head out into the world, and see what is in store for me for the next several months.
I know one thing - more light duty. I hate light duty! I also miss being able to sit on the floor, play with my clients, and move quickly. Someday, I'll be fixed! Someday!!
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