I'm Not Going to Work Today

In yesterday's faculty meeting, I was informed that my music therapy space is once again being taken away from me to accommodate offices. I attempted to ask for clarification, was redirected in front of my co-workers, and then burst into tears in front of the entire faculty. My question was not answered, and now I am humiliated, very upset about not having my music therapy space secure, and ashamed of my response.

I am tired of this happening to me.

In my time at my facility, this particular situation has happened six different times in my ten moves around the complex. It is always interesting that I get kicked out of a treatment space in favor of giving other people offices. I am taking this very personally at the moment (rational brain is not anywhere to be seen) and did not get an answer to my question in the moment which could have settled this entire situation down if the administrator had just taken the 3 seconds to answer. I am very skittish when it comes to my space, and I need to know if this is happening in the next two months or after we have built and entirely new building in the near distant future. That makes a significant difference, and since I have not been told that there are plans to move me anywhere at all by anyone who knows (but quite a bit from random people in the hallways), I was hearing of this new, "exciting" plan at the same time as everyone else.

My brain went into shock and panic. We were talking about something that is happening in January, and then it was announced that we are moving the people who are currently office-ing in the renovated conference room "into Mary Jane's room" so we can convert the space back into a conference room. 

I just got the room carpeted - three weeks ago. I am still waiting for the cabinet that I was promised when I gave up 2/3 of my office space four months ago. I am feeling squeezed and stepped on and unworthy of attention. 

Now, I know that these feelings are not entirely true, but these things happen so often that I just can't discount the possibility that I will be stuck doing music therapy from a closet again in less than two months. It has happened before - I have had to sacrifice what I can do as a therapist in order to give someone else a place to work.

I really miss my Dad right now. He was the one person who could calm me down and get my rational brain going again. My sister tries her best, but she goes into protection mode and tells me that I need to find a new job. Dad wouldn't do that, and he would help me figure out what I needed to tell people in order to move forward in a professional manner. I miss his support and ability to just know what I needed when I got like this. I didn't even share this with my Mom because she responds just like my sister. 

There are contributing factors happening as well. I am stressed by my upcoming move. I haven't packed anything in the past two days. I have already called in for today and may call in tomorrow as well if I can't start to be a bit more rational about all of this. I can use today to get more stuff into boxes and that should help my attitude a bit. I should be able to cry all of my emotions out and start to be Dad's voice for myself. I will make an effort to eat something (which I haven't done since Tuesday), and try to find the words that I need to say to my supervisor about this situation that will be easy for me to convey without crying. 

Even after all of this...

...I still don't know the answer to my question. 

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