Thursday Blues - Thinking and Thinking

There is something challenging about being awake after only four hours of sleep for the second day in a row that just makes me crabby. I have already been up for four hours, and it is only 3:37 am right now. I still have two and a half hours before I absolutely have to head out to work, and I have already written a private post to this blog. That one will not be published. This one will.

I am exhausted. I am currently in a depressive state which is complicated by the high heat in my area of the world and exacerbated by my recent bout of COVID. I am tired. I am crabby. I am magnifying small things into huge things and devoting too much of my attention to these small things.

I know all these things. Being conscious of these things helps me to move forward and through these feelings and emotions and actions. I know that the actions of others have NOTHING to do with me, but I tend to take their actions personally. I am stepping up my mantras and my reality checks.

I have six more work days of this Extended School Year before my next break. Friday is a work day without students, so I will be spending time with my interns. Intern #33 will be graduating on that day. Intern #34 will be just having a regular day at work. I will be trying to figure out what I will be doing on August 15th when kids return. Before that date, I will welcome intern #35 to the center, go through ALICE training, re-certify in my physical management training, and go through an entire day of training and sitting, The next day is a work day. We are supposed to have eight uninterrupted hours of working in our spaces. I am hoping to be moving from the storage closet back to one of the two offices that I used to have before things compacted. We currently have two completely empty classes, so I should be able to claim an inconvenient closet in my own clinical space. I am hopeful.

We had a meeting yesterday where we were assured that we would be continuing with the same schedule next year with the possibility of two empty classes. We will be keeping those times in our schedules so if we can fill those positions, we will NOT have to change things. That was good to hear. I can move forward with intern group assignments and getting myself organized for the "regular" school year. This is helpful information and allows me to start planning what will be happening when I get back to school in August. This helps with my mood a bit since we have heard answers from our supervisor. There are still lots of things that are unanswered, but we have heard something. I was not the only person who asked questions either. That ensures me that I am not irrational in my need for information and my insistence that we be put into the information loop. We were also told that our classes would be smaller to start with a modest growth expectation in the next year. That is also helpful. I feel like I can start making plans where I wasn't able to do so yesterday at this time...when I was waking up after only four hours of sleep...just like today.

My day includes eight music therapy interactions - five groups and three individual or in-class sessions. The other session that we have scheduled is cancelled because the client will be gone on a visit. I have to go to a meeting where I need to confront a group of people about why I am the person who has to provide birthday treats AGAIN for the second time in four months. Petty? You betcha! Especially since my birthday came and went without so much as a nod in my direction. I'm tired of being used only when convenient for others without any sort of communication with me. This is one of those setting events where I have had to filter my responses through my depressive filter and see if it is something that is out of place or if it is just my emotion taking over. I've been assured by others that it really isn't all that fair, so I have to figure out how to confront a "team" of 30 people about this situation in a way that doesn't lead me to hysteria or quitting the "team."

I am so tired, but I have to go to work. I still have an hour and a half before I can head out into the sunrise to supervise other people do music therapy. I get to lead one session with four clients this afternoon. That will keep me going through all of this - getting to know a new client while making music with three familiar clients.

I am now going into the chills that I get when I am sleep deprived. I am not running a temperature, and I feel okay - no breathing issues or respiratory stuff of any kind. I don't even have much of a runny nose this morning. So, the chills come from not being able to sleep. My body wants to sleep now, but can't because work is coming soon, in two and a half hours to be exact. This is the big problem with my insomnia settings. Will I sleep tonight? Who knows but there will be no need to stay awake tomorrow so if I can't I can head back to bed as soon as the chills set in. I just have to make it through today.

Have I ever mentioned that I don't do well with less than 7 hours of sleep?

Thanks for being there and for reading what I write.