Thougthful Thursday: Always Rushing and Never Getting Anywhere
I spend most of my life going somewhere in a bit of a hurry. Take yesterday, for example. I had a relatively leisurely morning (I woke up at the time I wanted to waken). I had time to make a lunch to take with me to work (which I left at home). I blogged, I moved around my home, and I nuzzled the cat when she sat between me and my computer. I moved myself out of the house at the usual time, but forgot the lunch I had so carefully prepared.
I drove down the road at 75 miles an hour (5 miles over the speed limit - I like being a bit of a rebel, but not too much of one!), and made it to work early. I didn't want to do my documentation, but I remembered that if I didn't get it finished, I would rue that decision on Friday when I have more time for creativity and thinking. So, I did my documentation, set up the room for music therapy sessions, and sat down with my guitar.
I had found an extra 45 minutes of unencumbered time!
Since that almost never happens to me (I tend to over-plan and over-extend my every working moment), I was at somewhat of a loss about how to use that extra work time. Strange, isn't it. I know what to do with time when it is scarce, but I have difficulty finding things to do when time is plentiful.
Often, when faced with extra time, I have way too many things that I could do. I waste time trying to figure out what is most important to me and don't get anything finished. That's one of the reasons that I keep a bullet journal - a list of things I could be doing.
Yesterday afternoon, my afternoon meeting was cancelled, so I was able to leave work a bit early leading to an early arrival home. I planned that time carefully and finished all of my tasks with some extra time just to contemplate.
It was wonderful not to feel rushed.
I think, as a woman in this time, that there are significant pressures to be doing something all the time. We see pretty Pinterest pictures of what life could be and we think that means that those pictures are what life should be. I look at many of those pictures and feel that I am inadequate - a failure as a woman. My emotional brain thinks things like that - my rational brain knows better!
I KNOW that I am not the only person who thinks this way. I see all sorts of stories about people who get sucked into the picture-perfect Pinterest world and who then feel inadequate. When did we move into this idea that we had to do it all?
I enjoy the television show, Speechless. I enjoy it when the mother, played by Minnie Driver, gets together with a group of special-needs moms for a support group. They celebrate their messy existence and reassure each other that it is okay to be who they are - for themselves and for their kids. In one episode, a new mom joins the group. This mom lives in Pinterest world - everything is vacuum-packed and homemade. She offers her new support group members homemade jam as gifts for spending time in her home. Maya (the mom) has an immediate reaction of intense dislike for this way of life.
The story line covers what I feel pretty well - jealousy for those who actually can pull off that Pinterest world, and disgust with myself that I want to be able to that, and the expectation that I should be better paired with the realization that I am doing well for myself just the way I am (Thank you, Mr. Rogers, for loving ME just the way I am!!!). At the end of the show, everyone comes to a state of acceptance. I am working on that for myself.
When I'm engaged in music therapy sessions, I am rarely able to focus just on the moment - I am always responding to what my clients are doing and making changes to get them where I want them to be going. It is rare that I can simply exist in the middle of a session - my clients often need constant adaptations and variations to maintain their attention to task and appropriate social interactions.
My last two sessions yesterday were a good example of rushing around and not getting anywhere near my goal. People were late, staff members were missing and in foul moods, and the clients responded in kind. It was a disastrous afternoon. I was able to provide some of the clients with a respite from the screaming, crying, and yelling, but I was not able to get everyone engaged.
Now, I can take this several ways. In Pinterest-perfect world, my clients would all be relaxed after the opening TME because I was able to find the "right" music to address all their needs simultaneously. I could look at those sessions as complete failures, or I could look at things from a different perspective.
I was able to keep a group of very disparate clients in all sorts of moods both safe and working towards a common goal. We may not have made it to that goal, but no one got hurt, and no one had to be removed from the session. I may not have made all things better, but I did not make anything worse (that I could see!). That has to be a win.
I try my best not to be in Pinterest-perfect mode very often, and when I slip into those feelings about my life and what I should be doing, I take a step back and try to be mindful about why I have these feelings. Then, I remember that my world is my doing, and that is comfortable and calming.
I am going to be semi-rushing to work today as I have to get gas for the car and get to work so I can finish documentation for yesterday and prepare for today's sessions. I hope I'll be able to get things done, but I'm not going to worry about it (too much). I have time tomorrow to catch up if I can't get things finished today.
I will also try to find some quiet time to slow down and savor what is going on in my life.
I drove down the road at 75 miles an hour (5 miles over the speed limit - I like being a bit of a rebel, but not too much of one!), and made it to work early. I didn't want to do my documentation, but I remembered that if I didn't get it finished, I would rue that decision on Friday when I have more time for creativity and thinking. So, I did my documentation, set up the room for music therapy sessions, and sat down with my guitar.
I had found an extra 45 minutes of unencumbered time!
Since that almost never happens to me (I tend to over-plan and over-extend my every working moment), I was at somewhat of a loss about how to use that extra work time. Strange, isn't it. I know what to do with time when it is scarce, but I have difficulty finding things to do when time is plentiful.
Often, when faced with extra time, I have way too many things that I could do. I waste time trying to figure out what is most important to me and don't get anything finished. That's one of the reasons that I keep a bullet journal - a list of things I could be doing.
Yesterday afternoon, my afternoon meeting was cancelled, so I was able to leave work a bit early leading to an early arrival home. I planned that time carefully and finished all of my tasks with some extra time just to contemplate.
It was wonderful not to feel rushed.
I think, as a woman in this time, that there are significant pressures to be doing something all the time. We see pretty Pinterest pictures of what life could be and we think that means that those pictures are what life should be. I look at many of those pictures and feel that I am inadequate - a failure as a woman. My emotional brain thinks things like that - my rational brain knows better!
I KNOW that I am not the only person who thinks this way. I see all sorts of stories about people who get sucked into the picture-perfect Pinterest world and who then feel inadequate. When did we move into this idea that we had to do it all?
I enjoy the television show, Speechless. I enjoy it when the mother, played by Minnie Driver, gets together with a group of special-needs moms for a support group. They celebrate their messy existence and reassure each other that it is okay to be who they are - for themselves and for their kids. In one episode, a new mom joins the group. This mom lives in Pinterest world - everything is vacuum-packed and homemade. She offers her new support group members homemade jam as gifts for spending time in her home. Maya (the mom) has an immediate reaction of intense dislike for this way of life.
The story line covers what I feel pretty well - jealousy for those who actually can pull off that Pinterest world, and disgust with myself that I want to be able to that, and the expectation that I should be better paired with the realization that I am doing well for myself just the way I am (Thank you, Mr. Rogers, for loving ME just the way I am!!!). At the end of the show, everyone comes to a state of acceptance. I am working on that for myself.
When I'm engaged in music therapy sessions, I am rarely able to focus just on the moment - I am always responding to what my clients are doing and making changes to get them where I want them to be going. It is rare that I can simply exist in the middle of a session - my clients often need constant adaptations and variations to maintain their attention to task and appropriate social interactions.
My last two sessions yesterday were a good example of rushing around and not getting anywhere near my goal. People were late, staff members were missing and in foul moods, and the clients responded in kind. It was a disastrous afternoon. I was able to provide some of the clients with a respite from the screaming, crying, and yelling, but I was not able to get everyone engaged.
Now, I can take this several ways. In Pinterest-perfect world, my clients would all be relaxed after the opening TME because I was able to find the "right" music to address all their needs simultaneously. I could look at those sessions as complete failures, or I could look at things from a different perspective.
I was able to keep a group of very disparate clients in all sorts of moods both safe and working towards a common goal. We may not have made it to that goal, but no one got hurt, and no one had to be removed from the session. I may not have made all things better, but I did not make anything worse (that I could see!). That has to be a win.
I try my best not to be in Pinterest-perfect mode very often, and when I slip into those feelings about my life and what I should be doing, I take a step back and try to be mindful about why I have these feelings. Then, I remember that my world is my doing, and that is comfortable and calming.
I am going to be semi-rushing to work today as I have to get gas for the car and get to work so I can finish documentation for yesterday and prepare for today's sessions. I hope I'll be able to get things done, but I'm not going to worry about it (too much). I have time tomorrow to catch up if I can't get things finished today.
I will also try to find some quiet time to slow down and savor what is going on in my life.
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