I REALLY Need Safety Goggles...

Now, don't worry. I am not making this statement because I tried something foolish and now know that I need the aforesaid goggles. This statement comes from many decades of trying to do various projects and then realizing that I need to think things through a bit better. So, this time, I am waiting to start using my new saw to cut my shelving down to size until I have safety goggles.

I have about an hour before I head outside to clean out my car and get it over to the mechanic for a tire change. After that, I will head to Walmart for my goggles and various other things that I think I will need before heading back home to work on my project of getting my library looking the way I want it to look. Before that, though, I am sitting down to write this blog post.

I am restless.

You know, my down times tend to come with restless times as well. I am unsatisfied with what I am doing with my life, and that tends to lead me into thoughts about why I am doing nothing to move myself forward. My emotional mind tends to take over in these times and then the rational mind takes over.

"Really, MJ? You are really going over this same old song AGAIN and AGAIN? Why do we do this every month?"

Meanwhile, my emotional brain is flitting through goblin world - the "I should" and "I could" and the "if only I would" goblins are all stirred up from whatever goes on in my brain.

handdrawn picture of blue and green splotched goblin creeping over a line on the paper. The goblin represents the thoughts of the author that interrupt her ability to function as a music therapy professional
"I should be publishing. I could do so much if only people would... If only I were better at..., I would..." It is easy to slip into circular thoughts about my failures and negative thinking, but it is counterproductive to stay in goblin world for long.

I know that I do lots in my life as a music therapist. I know that I do not have to be constantly producing in order to be a good professional. I know that it is perfectly fine to complete projects that have no benefit to anyone other than to myself. There do not have to be "coulda, woulda, shoulda" goblin thoughts rattling around in my brain - I can, I do, and I am more than enough in my personal life and my professional life.

Do you know that imposter syndrome happens to all of us at one time or another? When you feel like you don't really live up to the idea that you have of what you "should" be doing with your life, it is time to examine where those thoughts come from.

In my case, I am not completely sure where my goblins come from, but I know that I am the oldest daughter of an oldest daughter of an oldest daughter who has always been expected to be responsible for myself and for others. I know that I have always wanted to be the best at everything possible. I know that I got lots of recognition for being an early reader and being considered gifted and being a good speller and remembering things easily. I am sure that is part of my imposter syndrome beginnings. When I am not feeling like I am the best (at EVERYTHING - Rational Brain: "You know you cannot be the best at EVERYTHING! Calm yourself down!!") in different areas of my life, I tend to turn inside myself and criticize.

That's when the goblins arrive.

Just in case you are wondering about these goblin metaphors - this is the analogy that just makes the most sense to me when I get into these thought trends. If I anthropomorphize my thoughts into critters or goblins, then I can imagine myself addressing them and then putting them back into their places.

I have fifteen minutes before my self-imposed time to go out and clean out the car before I head out into the world to shop for safety goggles and then come back home to work on my library room.

Thanks for reading this post. I know that it is focusing a bit more on the "me" part of the blog title, but even these things are part of how I function in the world of music and therapy and music therapy. 

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