Time Challenges - Always Time Challenges

I always have both too much time and too little time to do things. It is an interesting conundrum that exists only in my own head. For example, I did very little that ended up being constructive at work yesterday because I didn't have all the things that I needed to do here at home done. So, I diddled around, doing the therapy that was scheduled, finishing my documentation for the week, and then staring into the void. I often feel this way at work - like I am not doing what I should be doing (that shoulda goblin is rearing its ugly head these days). I have so much that I want to be doing that I just can't - for all sorts of emotional reasons.

I have an appointment for co-mentoring this morning in three hours, and I am facing some task paralysis. There is something I can't forget in three hours, so I cannot do anything now. Welcome to my brain.

I am currently in political overwhelm and despair. This is also affecting my brain and my ability to use time in an effective manner. I am not sleeping well. I'm not sure if this is related or not, but it is definitely something that goes through my mind when I am tossing and turning. I am either dead to the world where I end up mashing my face into my pillow and scratching my eyeball or I am not sleeping for longer than 40 minutes at a stretch. Last night was a 40 minute stretch night. I am tired and yet not tired either.

My diet is not as solid as I wish it was. That I could change with some work. My financial situation is not as solid as I wish it was. That will need a bit more work because I am currently trying to pay off medical bills from my new crop of surgeries, cancer evaluations, and specialists. I think I have managed to pay off almost everything, but bills keep coming in, so who knows. Either way, my deductible and co-insurance year restarts on October 1st, so I will have to pay more for any new tests, specialists, and all that stuff that happens when you have new diagnoses as part of your existence.

Now, I am in a wallowing mood right now, but my brain is craving solutions and action. My body is not wanting to follow through. Already, I am thinking about how to avoid political information from crossing my attention pathways. I am trying to figure out how to continue to save money as I am trying to pay off my debt. I am also working on making my diet better. In the meantime, I have to figure out what I am going to do with the time that I have. I always figure that I should use my time better, but it is alright to be tired and to allow my brain to go silent rather than regiment every second of my day. I just can't always do that sort of thing.

I am considering an entrepreneurial opportunity in my town that would require some late night work. It would cost me a bit of money, but not much. It is with an organization that I trust, but I am not entirely sure if I am the right fit. I guess I can always apply and be rejected if they are not sure that I fit with them. I am feeling more of a tug towards opening my own clinic, but I just don't know what to do to get there.

Two and a half hours now. I think I will take a shower, get the laminating that needs to be done for work out of the back of my car, and then do some laminating. After that, I will meet with my friend about music therapy internship and business stuff, and then continue my day doing something. I don't know what yet, but something.

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