Stuck In a Time Loop

I have nothing new to talk about. Nothing new to look forward to or to try or get going. I keep waking up early, resisting the opportunity to get up and out of bed, and I still don't want to get to work. I am wiped out...and, I just remembered that it is a 44 hour work week. I have to work a 12-hour day on Wednesday. I am not looking forward to that at all.

So, I am stuck in a time loop - at least, that's how it feels - doomed to repeat the same day over and over again until something new happens, or something like that. It is pretty funny that this is how I am at the moment - complaining about how static things are right now - I get up, I go to work, I come home - when I have spent most of the past year complaining about how much change has happened in my work situation. Perhaps this is the result of cumulative stress on me at the moment.

We were talking about trauma and one of my co-workers popped off with, "This won't cause a trauma unless you let it." I heartily disagreed with that statement. I do not think that we decide how things will affect us - they affect us nevertheless. I think we have a bit more say in how we respond to things, but there will be some sort of generational trauma that comes out of living through this pandemic.

Is there a time when resilience breaks down? Is there a time when it just becomes too much to handle?

I have been through times sort of like this in the past. I know that I will find my energy and my zim and my love for each new day again, but I am wallowing right now. I am going to wallow for a bit while I am listening to my intern run sessions. I am going to wallow as I wait for buses to arrive this afternoon in the building heat and humidity (again!) - well, it depends on what weather application you look at - one says 90 degrees. Another says 97 degrees. I guess my weather apps are also confused. Maybe the time loop extends past me...

My group today is adolescents with a variety of interests and wishes in music therapy. We did not see each other last week due to the Labor Day holiday, so it is time to figure out something to do with them. The last group I did that was similar to this was a mass songwriting TME, but this particular group would not be all that receptive to that idea, so it is time to figure out something new. (It is 5:51 am right now, and the itch is starting, but I am stuffing it down...) I will get inspired once I get to work, but there is nothing in my head right now. Absolutely nothing except for not wanting to get moving...

My mom is currently overly focused on the trip that we are taking soon to my Aunt and Uncle for my cousin's memorial. She is already packed. Every conversation that we have centers around what we are going to do when we get there - what we will do if any of us gets COVID in the meantime - how much money we owe each other - and all sorts of things that are adding to my stress and my sense of malaise. She is nervous that things will not come together the way we are planning them. My sister is the same way. I am trying to figure out how to get through the days before we all leave, and they are focused on what will happen so much farther down on my list of things to get done.

So, I am going to head off into the sunrise, into a day where I do not know what the temperature will bring, to do what I do every single day. I will figure out how to keep my clients engaged in musicking for the amount of time they are in front of me. I will finish my day, get back into my car, and drive the miles back to my house where I will talk to my mother and my sister and then get to express some of my frustrations with my Monthly Music Therapy Meet group. I will then go to sleep to do the same things over and over again. And again. And again.

After I wallow a bit, I will break out of this time loop. Wish me luck.