Wednesday Withering...

It is time to finish this all up. I am ready to be on my way into my future, but I have to do the process of saying goodbye to clients and co-workers before I can get started. Kids are crying at the thought of my leaving. Co-workers are stopping me in the hallway to tell me that they will miss me. All of that is fine, but it is more attention than I am comfortable with. At my last job, they forgot that I was leaving on my last day and scrambled to get me some roses (which I am very allergic to) as a good luck token. I kinda prefer that type of departure to having to go through gifts and recognitions. Celebrating myself is not something I am comfortable with in groups of people. I just don't like it.

I am steeped in nostalgia this week. I have spent lots of time thinking about old clients as I have been taking things out to my car. Remembering is a good exercise when you are shifting into a new reality, but it can also make it difficult to leave.

I am retiring from my current job because it hurts my body. This job is difficult to navigate due to the constant heightened state of awareness that is required to work with my clientele. After 30 years with this population, I am exhausted and yearning for rest. 

The summer weather is not helping with all of my moods. We are up and down with temperature with consistent high humidity. My classroom is hot and humid as well which makes it difficult to have any enthusiasm for doing much. We are listening to classroom playlists and exploring the instruments that are left. Most of the manipulatives, props, and visual aids are mine - made and paid for by me - so they are gone from the music therapy space. Kids seem a bit shell shocked by what has left the session space, but they are adapting. Well, most of them. The students who take things that are not theirs keep asking where things have gone. They just want to get their hands on my Matchbox car collection so cars can make it into their collections rather than mine. I had one student tell me that he had to take my things because "adults don't have toys. Toys are for kids." That's when his favorite things came to my house. Do I trust him? Absolutely not!

I have six more days of work between me and sleeping until I want to wake up rather than having to get out of bed at a specific time. Six more commutes. Six more days of documentation. Only six work days and eight more days total before this retirement thing becomes my reality.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to not go to my job. I don't know what I want to do next, but I know that I have to leave my current job and routine. I need to be in an environment where I do not have to have constant vigilance and use my body to control aggression from others. My spine, knee, and general motor function is not what I want it to be, so it is time to make it better. I cannot do that at my current place of employment, and I do not have any plans for what I will be doing next.

People keep asking me what I am going to do and when I am going to do it. All I know is that I want to move back to California at some point - just not yet. I need to sleep until I feel rested. I need to go through my resources and materials before I move. I also need to just be by myself for some time before I head back home, but I will definitely be moving from my beloved house to a new place to live at some point.

I am going to take two months to rest, work on my small business, and figure things out. I don't know if I will be able to last for two months, but that's what I am hoping to do. I might be heading out for a trip in September, but who knows at this point?? Definitely not me.

I am going to stagger up the stairs, unload my car (yesterday's focus was getting the rest of my music and kid books to my home), drive to work, and move more things into my car. I am down to the last bits of things to load which is where I wanted to be at this point. I have some drums to bring home and the last of the office things. After that, it will be time to put things into cabinets and arrange the music therapy storage space so the new therapist will be able to find things and decide where she wants to move things. The end is in sight, and it is rapidly approaching and not coming fast enough. You know??

Time to go into day six. Thanks for reading.

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