The Last Day

This is it.

Today is the last time I commute 52 miles one way for a job that I have both loved and hated over the past 30 years. I have a handful of things to take with me this afternoon after I finish my last round of documentation and get my keys turned into the administrative assistant. I will be finished with this job in less than 10 hours from now, and I am terrified!

I am in panic mode right now.

I've quit my job, and I don't know what I will be doing as of tomorrow. I don't know if I will be able to do what I want with the money from my pension.

In between panic slips (not attacks, but just moments of sheer terror), I am still doing music therapy groups. I am having to say goodbye to everyone who walks in, and that is rough for all of us. I have received several "I know you didn't want a gift, but..." gifts. Things that I will use and enjoy from now on.

One last commute. Four more groups. Notes. Taking down my greeting pictures and getting my kleenex holder from the front of the room. Leaving my work home for the last time.

I am so tired. I am tired of the anticipatory grief and the need to tell people why I am leaving. Fortunately, everyone knows that I do not want a party, so I am not being pressured into having one. The school district still has not acknowledged the correct number of years of service from me - I am not holding my breath that I will ever get my 25 year recognition. I still have too much junk in my home and cannot accommodate the junk that I have brought home from work. I am overwhelmed by my house right now, and it shows. My summer seasonal affective disorder is rearing its ugly head, and that makes it more difficult for me to do things.

I am going to work on making my home more palatable during the next couple of months. My financial advisor assures me that I can take this time off without concern, but I am not sure how much I believe her right now. We are going to meet next month to discuss it all, so I should know a bit more after that meeting. My first quest is to find a place for everything that I want to keep (that is not in my garage).

My second quest is to feel rested. 

I was talking to a coworker yesterday about the trauma that is associated with working with aggressive clients for 30 years. When you are in a therapeutic role, you have the addition of responding to emotions as well as trying to avoid being hurt by students who have been taught that their only response is aggression. I have been hurt over the years. I have had to have one surgery because of client aggression. I have had two rounds of occupational therapy for fingers broken by clients. I have been bitten, scratched, head-butted, and pushed down into the drum set more than once. It has been wearing on my body, and now I have arthritis in my lower extremities and back as well as other concerns from reactions to the way water is treated in the town where I worked - can't prove it, but I know that I had my first bowel resection due to the water in the town. After I stopped drinking the water, I no longer had the same issues.

My second quest is directly associated with the secondary and primary trauma that I have experienced due to the work that I have chosen as a music therapist. I want you to know that I have CHOSEN this work, even when I have been hurt and even when I have hated my job. I have CHOSEN to be the music therapist in this job, and I am proud of what I have done in my time at the facility.

All I can hope for is the chance to find another job where I can feel as fulfilled and challenged as I have been in this one.

The same coworker asked me if I was concerned about what the next therapist would do. We have a former coworker who keeps trying to tell the current job holder how to do the job. To be honest, I have resisted the urge to tell the next music therapist how to do my job. I have been telling my students that things will be changing - new songs, new games, new things to use. I have been telling them the wrong name for the new therapist, but that's what happens when information has not been shared... I've changed that for those that I have seen so far.

It is time to get going into this last day before the new adventure starts. The best thing about leaving today is that all of the teachers have a week off starting this afternoon which means that everyone is going on break - not just me. In fact, many of my teacher coworkers are going to be gone today. It is the end of the contract year, so it is time to head on out.

One more tank of gas. One more round trip. Four more sessions. One more set of notes to take. It is almost finished.

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