Sick and Tired and Sick

Hello, depression, my old nemesis. I see you've brought with you a double dose of allergy symptoms, just in time for a week of tears. I am significantly under normal when it comes to my temperature, and my head aches. I am not sure how much of this is due to leaving my job, my summertime blues, and/or the allergens present in the air. So much humidity tends to gunk up my lungs which makes breathing a challenge. So much happening right now that it is a bit surreal.

Four more days.

That's all. It is strange to think that I will not be going to work next week. I will no longer have a workplace. I will no longer be employed. My identity changes from fully employed music therapist to self-employed music therapist in four days. Boof.

I have been experiencing anticipatory grief all year. This has been the plan for a couple of years now, but now it is here. I have one last session today and three tomorrow. After that, all sessions are last sessions. I am tired of telling people that my plans are no plans for a bit. I know that saying goodbye is not my best habit or most comfortable situation, but my clients need the chance to close the therapeutic relationship. I need to do some of that as well.

I am ready to say goodbye.

I am trying my best to keep my composure as others make their emotions shown. As someone who is empathetic by nature, soaking in others' emotions makes every situation more challenging for me. I do not want a party. I want to leave quietly and without tears on Thursday. I want to incorporate my work keychain into my home keychain as a reminder of the time I've been there, but I will be leaving behind the keys to the music therapy suite that has been my work home for so many years. Eight years in this room. Twenty-two years in eight other rooms. Eight other rooms!

The history that I am leaving behind will be forgotten as I step out of the facility for the last time. Strange thought, but accurate. No one will remember the microburst that ripped open the gas line one summer afternoon. Only a couple of people will remember the water line break that broke and filled up the entire school building one weekend before spring break. So many clients have come through music therapy in the past 30 years that no one will remember but me in my home.

My sister shared that my mother has expressed concerns that I will not leave my home once I no longer work outside my house. That is a real danger with me, and is part of my plan for July and August, but after that, I do intend on getting a job someplace. I feel like I will figure out my level of interaction with others out in the world once I get time to rest.

I need to rest - so much. For the past several years, I have been complaining that I have not had enough time to get bored. That's what I want this time around - I want to get bored with being by myself and being here at home before I end up going outside my house.

Last year, at this time, I was preparing for my colon surgery - cleaning my house and preparing it for my mother to come out and drive me to and from the hospital. I was also working and preparing for an absence that stretched lots longer than I planned to begin with. My stretch of six weeks away from work last July was not a break from work but was a storm of specialist appointments, new doctors, trying to figure out how to pay for the deductibles, and constant need for monitoring my health. I was ready to head back to work, but I did not feel rested after my enforced time away.

This is going to be different. I do not have to go to many appointments this year - I still have to plan on a colonoscopy, but I can't do that until I know what my insurance plan is going to be after July 1. I can't arrange insurance until I get information about continuing the plan I have right now. Blech. I hate the way insurance happens in this country.

Time to go. I'm already late...

Four more days.