Seeking Purpose

Yesterday, I returned to my office and email after a week of sick time. Buried in my emails was a request from the district office for information about what I will be doing after I retire from my school based music therapy job at the end of June. I am not entirely sure how to respond because I really do not know what I will be doing from July 1 on.

To be honest, these types of questions cause me so much angst that I just shut down when asked. I don't know what I am going to do. All I know is that I am going to spend some time just resting and getting my house in order before I go outside of my house to find some employment.

I find it a bit funny that the district office (which has completely ignored me for 25 years) now wants to know a bit about me as I am skipping out the door.

For now, though, I am starting to get nervous about not having a plan. My financial advisor says that I can take a couple of years without needing outside employment, but I have no idea how that is possible. I just have to trust her to do her magic with my money. I am still in search of a plan.

I do not like uncertainty, and that really comes out when it comes to my job. I want a structure and a schedule and something that I crave. I am less likely to head out into the unknown than I am with a planned itinerary with some flexibility built in. This current plan of not planning is difficult for me.

The only thing that I know will happen starting July 1 is that I will spend time at home. I have to get a colonoscopy before my health insurance changes, so that is the only other thing on the plan right now. Sounds exciting and something that the people at the district want to hear about, right?? Nope, not going to happen.

Not having a plan is the plan, and I am trying to get used to the idea.

How do I do this, though? I have spent my professional life proceeding through my plans, and now there is a wide-open field of opportunities before me. That is a bit daunting right now, and I am easily overwhelmed with thoughts about the unstructured future ahead of me.

Here's what I know:

  • I do best when I have structure in my life.
  • I do not want to give up music therapy in my future, but I know that my current population is not one that I can continue to be around.
  • I want to be able to go where I want to go when I want to go.
  • I want to share my expertise with others in the realm of music therapy.
  • I want to live somewhere else - my current location makes me sick, so it is time to go someplace new.
  • I do not feel like I am finished with this profession.
  • I want to be portable in my work - something I can do from just about anywhere.
  • I want to create.
  • I crave stimulation of being around others and by making music in community.
So, that's the start of what I am looking for in my future. Right now, though, it is time to focus on the present and get ready for work. Thanks for being here.


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