Disappointment - In Myself
Are you your own worst critic? I am. There is no one harder on me than me. When I fail at something, I cannot let it go. I feel guilty and disappointed in myself and it comes back in a flood of emotion every single time I start to get a bit anxious or overly tired. Does anyone else get this way, or is it just me?
All of this is precipitated by a missed meeting yesterday. I didn't get a clue that I had missed the meeting until right before leaving for PT and my part-time job, and when I did, I was absolutely set back. The person I was supposed to meet with called me, but didn't leave a message, so I didn't even know that she was waiting for me to hook up the computer. I was supremely angry with myself and then felt guilty when I realized that I had let two other people down.
I am a perfectionist. I expect perfection in myself, but allow for imperfection in others without any issues. I expect that others will not be perfect, but I insist on striving for personal perfection. I know that personal perfection is not an attainable state, but it is the way I'm set up.
What does this have to do with music therapy? I don't think it has much to do with the actual implementation of music therapy (unless you are the type of person who falls apart when you make a wrong chord on a song) as it does with the person doing the therapy - the therapist.
I have a really good family friend, a professional musician, who used to put himself into such horrible anxiety attacks over what might go wrong that he would be unable to function. He's one of those people who can play anything and everything while carrying on a conversation completely unrelated to what he is playing. I admired his talent and was in awe of what he was able to do.
He used alcohol as his coping mechanism. He would drink until he no longer worried about making a wrong note during a performance. He spent much of his time under the influence. What finally helped him decrease his reliance on alcohol in order to get through the most simple of performances was the idea that he could make mistakes and the world wouldn't end.
He started to plan one mistake per performance and then waited for the response from his audience.
Do you know what happened?
There wasn't a response. The people who knew that he had made a mistake didn't stress about it, and the rest of the audience just plain didn't know. It was a revelation for him.
Kind of a small step, but a step nonetheless, and a good one for him.
My coping mechanisms are not as involved as alcohol (I tend to use food or Amazon to cope), but they are present and don't always work the way I want them to work. I still feel shame over not finishing one of my degree programs. I still wake up in the middle of the night stressed out about things I have failed at, and I still spend countless hours worrying about things like the meeting that I missed yesterday.
Believe it or not, I am better with my tendencies toward perfectionism than I used to be, but I am still challenged with these feelings every day. I make an effort to acknowledge them, see what happens when I am not perfect, and then adjust.
Do you know what I've found?
Other people miss meetings. Other people make mistakes when they play their instruments. Other people start projects and don't finish them. Other people make decisions based on the actions of others. The world doesn't end and those people don't fall to pieces when things happen.
I am going to take a course through Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection. It is an e-course and has an art journaling component. This appeals to me on many levels, including the use of a creative art modality to help with the processing of information. I am sure that there will be elements from the course that I will share as I take this journey.
I am going to spend some time thinking about imperfection and vulnerability today as I get my e-course materials.
Be imperfect today and let that be fine.
Here is a list of websites that I've used in writing this post:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/perfectionism
http://personalexcellence.co/blog/perfectionism/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfectionism_%28psychology%29
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html
http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/05/brene-brown-perfectionism-shame-oprah_n_4045358.html
http://www.oprah.com/app/brene-brown-on-demand.html?utm_source=BBBlogPost&utm_medium=20140918&utm_campaign=1
All of this is precipitated by a missed meeting yesterday. I didn't get a clue that I had missed the meeting until right before leaving for PT and my part-time job, and when I did, I was absolutely set back. The person I was supposed to meet with called me, but didn't leave a message, so I didn't even know that she was waiting for me to hook up the computer. I was supremely angry with myself and then felt guilty when I realized that I had let two other people down.
I am a perfectionist. I expect perfection in myself, but allow for imperfection in others without any issues. I expect that others will not be perfect, but I insist on striving for personal perfection. I know that personal perfection is not an attainable state, but it is the way I'm set up.
What does this have to do with music therapy? I don't think it has much to do with the actual implementation of music therapy (unless you are the type of person who falls apart when you make a wrong chord on a song) as it does with the person doing the therapy - the therapist.
I have a really good family friend, a professional musician, who used to put himself into such horrible anxiety attacks over what might go wrong that he would be unable to function. He's one of those people who can play anything and everything while carrying on a conversation completely unrelated to what he is playing. I admired his talent and was in awe of what he was able to do.
He used alcohol as his coping mechanism. He would drink until he no longer worried about making a wrong note during a performance. He spent much of his time under the influence. What finally helped him decrease his reliance on alcohol in order to get through the most simple of performances was the idea that he could make mistakes and the world wouldn't end.
He started to plan one mistake per performance and then waited for the response from his audience.
Do you know what happened?
There wasn't a response. The people who knew that he had made a mistake didn't stress about it, and the rest of the audience just plain didn't know. It was a revelation for him.
Kind of a small step, but a step nonetheless, and a good one for him.
My coping mechanisms are not as involved as alcohol (I tend to use food or Amazon to cope), but they are present and don't always work the way I want them to work. I still feel shame over not finishing one of my degree programs. I still wake up in the middle of the night stressed out about things I have failed at, and I still spend countless hours worrying about things like the meeting that I missed yesterday.
Believe it or not, I am better with my tendencies toward perfectionism than I used to be, but I am still challenged with these feelings every day. I make an effort to acknowledge them, see what happens when I am not perfect, and then adjust.
Do you know what I've found?
Other people miss meetings. Other people make mistakes when they play their instruments. Other people start projects and don't finish them. Other people make decisions based on the actions of others. The world doesn't end and those people don't fall to pieces when things happen.
I am going to take a course through Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection. It is an e-course and has an art journaling component. This appeals to me on many levels, including the use of a creative art modality to help with the processing of information. I am sure that there will be elements from the course that I will share as I take this journey.
I am going to spend some time thinking about imperfection and vulnerability today as I get my e-course materials.
Be imperfect today and let that be fine.
Here is a list of websites that I've used in writing this post:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/perfectionism
http://personalexcellence.co/blog/perfectionism/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfectionism_%28psychology%29
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html
http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/05/brene-brown-perfectionism-shame-oprah_n_4045358.html
http://www.oprah.com/app/brene-brown-on-demand.html?utm_source=BBBlogPost&utm_medium=20140918&utm_campaign=1
Perfectionism is toxic. I use flylady.net to help with my recovery. Janice
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