Thursday - The First "Last" Day
I found out yesterday that my first group on Thursdays will be going on a field trip next Thursday, so today is my last group with them. I am not sure if they know that they will be going on the field trip, so I can't really tell them that it is our last group, but I know that it is.
This is difficult. So far, three kids have cried and many more have asked me to stay. I cannot, but I am also feeling the guilt that people can dump onto you when you are choosing to leave a work situation. My facility is famous for trying to guilt people into feeling bad about their decisions to leave, so I have not been very vocal about my retirement plans unless asked.
One group of coworkers noticed that I attended a meeting yesterday afternoon without my work planner. I figured that there was no reason to take notes, so I left my notebook on my desk. I have no more meetings to sit through because there is no reason to go to the last one next Thursday afternoon. No reason at all.
I am ready for my lasts, but I am also not ready.
One thing that I feel strongly is that it is time for me to go. I am a bit of a unicorn in this facility and in this profession. I have been a music therapist for 33 years, and I have been employed as a music therapist for 32 of those 33 years. For the first year, I was employed in other jobs, but I have been a music therapist as my primary job title for over half of my life.
I never intended to stay at this job for this long. When I started, it was because I had lost a teaching assistant position at the university where I was doing my graduate work. I had to pay for myself, so I had to find a job. I applied after seeing a classified advertisement online, and I was hired over the phone (basically). I started as the part-time recreation therapist at the facility and was hired as the part-time music therapist three days later when that position opened up. I thought I would finish my education and head out into the world to do music therapy elsewhere. My education structure had to change to accommodate the need for living expenses and tuition, so I took lots of time studying rather than finishing degrees in a timely manner. Life interfered with my plans, and I ended up being at my job for a very long time.
Now, I am not going to lie to you. I have explored other job possibilities - many of them invited opportunities - but nothing paid better than the job I currently have. I have been comfortable, once I paid off my student loans and left my graduate program. I have been good to my job and my job has been pretty good for me as well. It has been a symbiotic relationship most of the time, but there have been times where I have felt like I was the host in a parasitic relationship. There was the principal who felt like we all had to fall into step with her plan without letting us know the plan and then got angry when we didn't do what she wanted us to do - after NOT telling us anything! I outstayed that toxic relationship and was able to watch that person get run out of the facility! (Do I still sound bitter about that situation?? I feel like I am still sounding bitter! I am still bitter, but I am also a bit smug!)
As nostalgia starts to color the memories, I am able to navigate them with a bit less reactivity and a bit more objectiveness.
Today is the first "last" session. Next week will be an avalanche of "lasts." Sessions, commutes, key uses - so many lasts to come. I will have to give out hugs and take gifts that I do not really want.
For some reason, I am having difficulty with thinking that this is something to celebrate. I don't feel like my career is finished. I don't think it is, and I intend on continuing my life as a music therapist past this next Thursday after a bit of rest.
I also don't like being the center of attention - my imposter syndrome seems to rear its ugly head when people want to celebrate what I have done in my life. I felt this way in 2016 when AMTA gave me an award. I did not want that award or feel that it was deserved. I felt that there was a ulterior motive for giving me that award as well - I did not like the political nature of the organization or how I had been treated by the president back then. Standing up on that stage was a hard moment for me, and it took me a long time before I put the award up on the wall. I also stepped down from AMTA involvement a couple of years after that.
It is time to get going into this day. This is my last three day summer weekend. I will be spending lots of time this weekend at my local craft company, making some sort of paper project. I might make more books, I might scrapbook a bit, or I might do something completely different. Tomorrow's main task is to pack up some options for the 15 hours of paper play in front of me this weekend. I won't be there for the entire time, but I will be there for most of the time. I am ready for some crafting time. I also have lots of needs around my house. I need to sort items in my living room and bring them downstairs where I want to keep them. That's the top priority for the hours I will be at home this weekend. Sorting things and moving them around.
I will be heading into work this morning with the concept that it is time to take everything home with me. I have most of my stuff here already, but it is time to empty everything from the office and the shelves. I will do that in between groups and documentation. It is time.
Time for the first of the "lasts."
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