Trying to Find My "What"

I know my "why." I know why I am leaving a good job after 30 years. I know why I want to move from full-time work to part-time work. I know why I want to work from home for a bit. What I am not quite sure about is "what" I want to do.

Now, I am trying really hard to relax into the idea of not having a set plan, but my structure-seeking brain really wants me to know everything in my immediate future. The problem is that I am not exactly sure what I want to do.

It is always an interesting situation to have no plan reaching before you. I was this way when I moved here back in July 1996. I knew I was going to graduate school, but I had no idea how I was going to support myself while I was doing that. The TA position I had been told I could have disappeared, so I had to find a way to support myself and my education habit while paying full tuition. The job that I scrambled to find did not start when I needed it to start - there was much turmoil happening at the facility when I was ready, so I was scrambling to find some way to afford my big step of leaving home and family to set off into my professional future.

Things worked out that time. I have confidence that things will work out this time as well, but my brain is still awash in panicked thoughts (usually either late at night or really early in the morning when I should be sleeping). The rest of the time, I can rationalize my plans and settle down, but not when I want to sleep.

So, I am seeking my "what" - my things to do after I retire from the job that has taken all my time, energy, and resources for the last 30 years.

What do I want to do?

I want to travel. I want to talk to music therapists from around the world about what they do on a daily basis. I want to dig into the ways we work with our clients, not hear about how we are researching how we teach music therapy students. I want to work with clinicians who are dedicated to actually doing this job. I want to provide resources and training and networking for clinicians who are not able to pay much for these services. I want to have a job that does not hurt my body and that includes a bit of monotony rather than constant vigilance and navigating trauma situations that are not my own.

How do I get there? That's the part that I am unsure about.

I feel like I am dithering most of the time, but not really. I have a plan, but it is not to have a plan right now. 

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