Anticipatory Grief - For Me and For the Loss of Others
I have worked with these co-workers for my entire time at my current job, and I am also getting ready to retire, so there are lots of feelings swirling around and in me at the moment.
I find that anticipatory grief is the worst state for me. Knowing that something is going to happen and having to get used to the idea is more difficult than being thrown into grief. (Now, please know that this is my opinion rather than a fact, so you are encouraged to form and express your own opinions about what I say - any time or any topic!) Knowing that my co-workers are leaving is hard to process, especially when I still have to see them for the next week and a half.
I have not told my clients that I am retiring from this job because I want to spare them from three months of this type of grief. Also, who knows who will still be at the facility in three months, so why get people upset about something that they will not have to experience? I will start the termination of services process in my last month at the facility. We will talk about the new music therapist and how things will be changing in the music therapy suite.
We have a reception for the retiree this afternoon. I do not want any such thing for myself when I leave - I have told my supervisor this. It will be interesting to see if he remembers that when it comes time.
Thinking about having to stand in front of people makes me feel queasy, and parties that I plan or that focus on me are always disasters, so it is better not to even try. My first supervisor at this job used to give me surprise evaluations because every time we made an appointment, something horrible would happen at the facility - like a water main break, a pop-up storm that included microbursts that ripped gas lines and moved air conditioning units across the roof, and student emergencies. It took her some time to realize that it always happened when we scheduled a meeting, so we agreed not to schedule any more meetings. I threw a housewarming party and one of the co-workers that will be leaving ended up going into labor a bit earlier than planned and was unable to be there. Every time we went to the ball game to celebrate my birthday, the home team lost horribly. When we got together to celebrate one of my birthdays, there was a huge accident that kept most people from getting to the venue. I hosted a caroling party once, and Mother Nature "helped" by sending a storm that left us with three inches of ice. It is just better not to plan a party for me - at all!
I don't want a party to celebrate that I am leaving. I want to move on quietly into my next life stage. I have told people that cards will be fine, but nothing else - no cake (that I cannot eat), no speech, no public humiliation.
In 2016, I was awarded the Service Award from AMTA. I had to get up in front of folks and accept an award that I did not want. I had recently left a volunteer opportunity that I had loved because of politics in the AMTA structure, and I did not feel like an award was something I needed, wanted, or deserved, really. I felt humiliation during that ceremony, and it took me many years before I could even look at the plaque without feeling queasy. It is now hung on the wall, but I still don't like it. I just don't want that sort of recognition.
On the last day of the regular school year, I will have to stand up in front of all sorts of strangers to get my retirement acknowledgement from the school district. Now, this is the same district that has not acknowledged any of my years of service - not 5, 10, 15, 20, or 25 years of service to the district. Nothing at all from them. My name has never been listed in the program. I have never received any of the certificates or apple awards that everyone else has received. Nothing at all. Now, much of this is probably due to former supervisors who were in arguments with the district, but it means that I have worked for this district for 25 years without any sort of recognition and now I have to go and stand there while they pretend to know anything about me. Fake, fake, fake.
Facing my co-workers' departures from our suite is bringing up all sorts of grief reactions and responses in me. I am currently in the stage of "what about me?" I am happy for both of them, but I am mourning the relationships that will change because we no longer see each other every day. I am going to miss their sounds. I am going to miss our inside jokes. I am going to miss the way we joke with each other about all sorts of things and topics. I will be lonely.
This was not the way it was going to happen. Until Monday, the plan was that I would retire and one of the two co-workers would still be at the facility. I was going to do the leaving, but now I am the left. That change has kicked off so many emotions for me.
I will be okay. I may not spend much time in the retirement party this afternoon, and I am hoping to maintain my brave face when I have to say goodbye to both of them. After they leave, I am sure that I will break down, but first, I have to be happy for them as they get to go into the world for their new adventures.
Anticipatory grief. It is difficult to navigate, but that is part of life - change and loss and anticipation, right?
It is time to go into the day. Five groups and then the reception.
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