Sentimental Sunday: Post #427 - Way Back in 2013!!
As I re-read it, I am both taken back to that period of time and struck by how much I write about relaxation. My definition of relaxation is something that seems unattainable and has for a very long time.
So, I guess it is time to change my definition of relaxation.
July 2013 was an interesting time in my life. I had diverticulitis, a recurring infection (that we found out later was from drinking the water at work - go figure), and eventually had to have 13 inches of my intestine removed - in fact, it was about two weeks after this post that I ended up in surgery. It was an interesting time. I had never had a surgery before, and I was scared spitless. My mom came to help me (and to make sure that I actually went through with it), the water in my apartment became a huge flood, I was moving from my beloved music therapy room to accommodate renovations and had to move before taking the time off for surgery. There was so much happening that I had to do immediately on the timeline of other people. It was a mess.
This post illustrates another common thread about my writings over the years. I am always striving for something that I think I want that never arrives exactly the way I want.
Why do so many of us strive for a "perfect" life? Is it just me? I don't think so, at least, not based on conversations that I have with both music therapy friends and non-music therapy friends. We have vision boards and magazines that focus on how things look and how much things cost and how much our life looks different from those around us. "Get this gizmo because someone on TikTok REALLY likes (getting paid to mention) it!" We are constantly reinforced for spending money and getting the next thing so that our lives will FINALLY be perfect!
This mindset is something that I fall into really easily. I think I am better than I was, but I still struggle.
The post in July 2013 focuses on relaxing. That was a time when I was not able to relax about anything, including my presence in music therapy sessions without vomiting or having to dash to the bathroom to accommodate my intestinal issues. I couldn't handle all the stressors happening in my life, so I was yearning for an unattainable state. All of the wishing and expectations for relaxation and the ability to do things differently did not fix anything. The surgery happened and things snowballed into a ridiculous mess. I love hindsight.
What do I think is relaxation? I think that this is the state of being that I'm in right now. I have a bit over two hours to go before I need to leave for church. I am writing (something that I love to do). I am watching Dharma and Greg (one of my favorite shows EVER), and I have an entire day tomorrow to be here at home. There are limited demands to my time and my resources. I think this is what relaxation looks like, and I like it.
When I am talking to people about self-care, one of the things that I focus on is the separation of work and personal time. It is important to find a routine that allows you to work during work time and completely vacate work things after work.
My mom is the type of person who rarely just sits to watch television without doing something else. She crochets baby hats, makes dolls, makes Barbie clothing, puts together baby quilts, goes through years and years of collected magazine projects, and whatever suits her in her retirement. When she was working full-time, she did not do her other things as often. She was tired. Now that she is home all day by herself, she finds all sorts of things to keep her busy. She is my model. She never really seems to relax - at least, not in the "let's have a spa day" type of idea of relaxation. That's not her scene at all, and that is not my idea of relaxing (the spa day stuff, not the sitting and watching television while working on another project).
I have an entire day tomorrow to stay at home and spend the way I want to spend it. Often, my days off tend to include sleeping. I have projects that I can work on and things that I want to accomplish - of course - that I will probably not get done.
I guess, at the core of this thought, is that time is something to fill up, not waste. The idea that any time can be wasted is an artificial construct. There is value in taking naps. There is value in watching television while making a project of some sort. There is value in going for a walk. There is value in working on a project that is related to work, if that is what you want or need out of the time that you have.
So, go into that world to work and then to fill the remaining time however you want! If you want a nap, then take the nap. If you want to go for a run, then do it. If you want to go to your kid's soccer game, then that's what you do to fill all the non-work hours that you have in your life. I certainly hope that you have the opportunity to spend more time doing things that you want to do outside of work than the amount of time that you spend working.
Past me, I want you to know that the surgery will be successful. You will feel SO much better once you get those holes out of your intestine AND figure out that the water treatment in your work town is causing all the infections. You will not have to do much more of the antibiotics that make you feel so depressed. There are things in the last ten years that aren't great, but there are so many more hours of relaxation in your future - not the "let's have a spa day" type, but the "let's do something that we really love" types. I am going to find some of those hours today and tomorrow.
I hope you do as well.
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