Sentimental Sunday: Post #2384 - January 5, 2021

Today's adventure into the past is somewhat grief inducing as it was written two days before my father died, but at the same time, it is also important to revisit. Here's the post from that date...

 Why Is Day Two ALWAYS Harder Than Day One??

January 05, 2021

I did everything that I wanted to do last evening.

I got home, spent some time organizing my space and evening, and I did all the things. I finished sing about april - (you could purchase it here, if you want...). I found out that our Monthly Music Therapy Meets have been approved for CMTEs - no revisions!! Boom! I was also asked to develop a course for a different online platform. Eeeee! I was out of my bed until 7:50 and then fell asleep pretty easily.

That's where the good things kinda stopped.

All night, I woke up and struggled with getting back to sleep. I don't know if I was dreaming or startling myself awake or responding to hot flashes, but I woke up about five times that I remember. After all that, I dozed until my light turned on at 4:19am. I dragged myself out of bed, did my hygiene, and am now staring at the computer with bleary eyes and some difficulty breathing. I should probably use my inhaler - be right back...

I didn't have anything on my mind that I remember. I finished all the tasks that had to be done today so there wasn't anything that stressed me with thoughts of getting things done - when that happens, I've learned to do what my brain wants me to do. My only deadline for today was finished up yesterday by 6:30pm.

It is possible that much of my anxiety/lack of sleep was due to being back at work and not being able to do what I wanted to do yesterday because of the action (or inaction) of other people. I was ready to set up my new storage closet, but the people who have had 6 weeks to coordinate their new space had done NOTHING! The room was the same mess that it was when I came back after Thanksgiving. I had to email my supervisor about whether they were actually going to do ANYTHING at all. I volunteered to move it since I had a day's worth of time to work and had little to do because EVERYTHING that I needed to do was based on having that closet empty and ready for me to move in! When I left work yesterday, two people were starting to take things out of the closet. I am sure that there will still be things that need to be done by others when I get there today, but I will be able to start taking over the space.

I didn't just sit yesterday. I laminated all sorts of things for use with clients. That reminds me, I need more laminating materials. I started a bunch of community focused books that I will write songs to accompany the book use. I finished up several projects that have just been sitting on my shelf waiting some attention. I need to take in more laminating film and my heavy duty paper cutter today so I can finish things up after we move things into the closet!

I AM MOVING INTO THE CLOSET TODAY!!! (By hook or by crook, I tell ya!)

This morning, I am moving slowly, I feel arthritic, and I have a day of moving things ahead of me. I am already tired, so the exertion should be good for me but it will probably exhaust me. I have things to do this evening, so I need to be ready to work on those tasks. I cannot tire myself out completely, but I do need to physically work today. No sitting around making things today.

I get to start bringing back some of my stuff!! I am excited about that. It will be nice to have some of the more authentic instruments available for use (after COVID, of course) rather than the plastic-y things that I had to prioritize for the space. I have lots of things to bring back into my expanded space, and I hope to give my intern more room in her office as well as to have some more organization and room in my own office.

Wow, I would have really liked to have both of these days to organize the closet and the offices. I am now realizing that I will not be able to finish my office today because I am having to spend today in the closet. Oh well. That's what happens when you are dependent upon the actions of others - things don't go the way you think they should. Blergh!

I think I will splurge on some fast food this morning to fuel my work day. That means getting my stuff together and getting out the door about 6am, but that's easy when you've been (reluctantly) up since your alarm went off...  

This must have been a couple of days without students in the music therapy room since things were just sitting around. It may also have been the leftovers of our complete school shut-down as all my residents were finally becoming COVID-free for the first time in six weeks. (By the way, this use of the closet as an intern-only office only lasted six months before I ended up having to give up two of my rooms to the vocational department due to the creation of several administrative positions without consideration of where they would work, but that's okay. I have one of those two rooms back and my current intern has an office space without me. I shared with about five interns, I think... That is a different form of working and engaging. I am glad that I have my own little room right now. For March-June, I will have the entire space to myself! I hope no one comes in looking at my spaces again!

2021 was not an easy year for my family. We had to deal with Dad's death and try to figure out all of the things that have to happen when someone dies. The ramifications continue even two years past that date. The lessons that we have learned about social security numbers and taxes and life insurance and attorneys and home owners insurance and all sorts of things is just staggering. There really needs to be some sort of list out there to help grieving families figure out all of this stuff, and I wasn't able to find it. Believe me, I looked. 

This post is bittersweet. I was both excited and full of anticipatory grief. I wasn't able to leave due to my exposure to COVID and the fact that the first vaccination was scheduled for three days from this date. MY aunt was on her way to say goodbye to Dad. I wasn't able to go. I'm not sure if I got a chance to talk to Dad on this day, but it was the day after he rallied and spent a great day with his friends. He missed all the hoopla at the Capitol the next day, thank goodness! I know that I didn't get to talk to him again. He was sleeping when we had a Zoom meeting scheduled on the 6th and he left us the next morning.

As I revisit some of these posts, I know that memories of Dad will show up. While I don't focus on my family situations in this blog often, I do bring things up on a regular basis because my family is important to me. They are a big part of the "Me" part of this blog - music, therapy, and me - so they come in and out of my writings.

This post looks innocuous enough, but I know the rest of the story. It reminds me that things that seemed so important really weren't. It reminds me that everything changes - sometimes the changes are good and other changes are not good. It also reminds me that grief is part of life - letting go has to happen. There is no other choice. 

The flowers my Aunt sent to commemorate Dad's passing are in the trash can. They lasted for two weeks before starting to shrivel and wilt. This season is coming to an end, but there are more posts to go through and more things to remember and think about. So, post #2384 has been revisited. It is nice to know that we are continuing to work through our grief and our resilience.

Happy Sunday.