Post-Talent Show: AKA, the Day of a Million Melt-downs!

Gentle reader.

If you are here, seeking some music therapy thoughts or wisdom, please know that this is not that kind of post.

Well, maybe it is, but it's not going to be entirely focused on music or therapy, but on me. 

Yesterday was Talent Show day, and every Talent Show day comes with a special type of melt-down for my clients. Usually, my day is full of kids yelling at me because I don't have exactly what they envisioned (but didn't write on their sign-up forms) or panic-induced meltdowns that happen as soon as they see the entire school looking at them (we did have two of those). One kid got angry because I do not play Cardi B at all - not even the "clean" versions at school. I had the karaoke version for the student's dance, but that wasn't good enough for the student who wanted to sing but had not indicated that singing was what the talent was. I had the petty satisfaction of being able to show said student the filled out sign-up sheet, in the student's own handwriting, where the student indicated "dancing" and not "singing." I admit that I am a bit smug about winning that argument. To "punish" me, the student decided not to perform and made sure to confront me about it during the show itself. I reminded the student of the choices made and then moved on despite the sulky glares and mutters.

Yesterday's Talent Show was marked by two meltdowns, one of which led to a fire drill in the middle of the show for the entire school, but those aren't the melt-downs I'm talking about.

I am talking about my own melt-downs.

My water heater is leaking all over my basement room. I discovered this fact shortly after writing yesterday's blog post, and then had to take a very cold washcloth bath to clean my body (but not my hair) before going to work. I have the money for the repair, but this will take a chunk out of my savings. Good news is that I don't think I can afford my deductible and co-insurance for my upcoming colonoscopy, so I am going to reschedule that and not do it during my next break. I will use sick time for that in October when my deductible year resets. That way, I can find a ride more easily and have 2024-2025 be my year for expensive testing and body renovations. Seeing as I have extreme medical procedure anxiety, this will alleviate many of my current stresses with this first break from work. Anyway, with the addition of the leaky water heater into my already anxious morning of Talent Show preparation with the added spectre of colonoscopy and "how will you get home from the procedure" thoughts swirling around, I ended up in several crying breakdowns in my office. 

One of which was witnessed by a co-worker who kindly offered a hug which I accepted!

In addition, the plumbing company did not pass on the message that I was not going to be answering my phone (due to the fact that I am a therapist in a public school setting and cannot just pick up whenever), and my consultant called me and messaged me every hour until I sent back a terse text and asked to just be put on the schedule. I hate cell phones and the way people think they can just use phones to reach anyone at any time. This is leftover from my reluctant beeper carrier days. If someone asks to just be texted, then pass that information on to the person doing the actual contact!!

I have been very fragile lately with my moods and responses to things. This is not uncommon for me at this time of year. We make a big deal out of the birthdays of some co-workers but never me. I don't get any sort of recognition for the things that I do like the Talent Show. Other people get public emails thanking them for their contributions to things like making the certificates, but I do not get recognized for what I contribute. A group of people who work on projects with me will all be publicly thanked, but I am forgotten. This always happens to me, and I guess it probably happens because people just aren't aware of what I do or that I have a birthday like everyone else. So, add in hyperemotion and hypersensitivity, and I had a perfect storm of negative thoughts and feelings of inadequacy just brewing around me all day.

One person asked me if I was excited for the Talent Show in the morning. I stated that I was not..I believe in honesty. The Talent Show went better than I expected considering how many acts dropped out at the last moment and the aforementioned fire drill in the middle of it (a disappointed performer ran out of the room and pulled the alarm). Everything went as expected. I think there were some student who thought that they were going to perform (family members were present) who did not turn in a form, so they didn't. I also had several new staff interrupt me to ask if students could do spontaneous performances (nope, and don't con your new staff into asking questions that you know the answer to because we have had this discussion over the years and the answer is always "no, you HAVE to turn in a form"). The fire alarm puller asked for another chance - "Um, no. Fool me once..." Other than that, I had enough help and arthritis medication in my body that I was able to do what I needed to do.

Now, though, the Talent Show is behind me for another year, and I can focus on cleaning enough of my house to get a new water heater in and the old water heater out - though, it will probably need to be in reverse order, right? I have to clear the hallway and the sliding glass door because it will easier for them to take things in and out the backyard than through the house - I think...

Alright. Moving forward, I can handle the next steps. That is all I am going to focus on for now - the next step is to put on some company clothing rather than my pajama wear. After that, I need to clear the space in front of the sliding glass door and check out the side yard. I hope that it isn't too muddy or overgrown out there. I haven't looked. Probably should do that more often...

Anyway, sorry for the rant and emotional breakdown, but you know, it is important to realize that life is not always "happy children making happy sounds." There are times when it is crying in your office because everything is crashing down on you at the exact same time, and you are struggling with everything.

I am fine. I will be less emotional eventually. I will have hot water by the end of the day and will be able to wash my grungy hair! These emotions are part of who I am and how I navigate the world. They are not necessarily good or bad, but they do happen, and I have to work with and through them on a regular basis.

(By the way, my mother accused me of manufacturing this water heater situation so I could get out of my colonoscopy, and my sister did the exact same thing later. I didn't, but I am not denying that much of my anxiety has dissolved since I called the gastroenterologist's office yesterday afternoon. It is a bit annoying that my mom and sis know me so well that they knew that this was a good thing for my health and wellbeing!!)