Tired Tuesday

I am exhausted, and this is the "it is almost the end of the school year, but not yet" type of exhaustion, not the "haven't been sleeping well" type. Most of this is due to one client at the moment. Everyone else seems to be doing what they usually do, but that one client...

I have been doing this particular job for a very long time, and clients come and go at my facility on a regular basis. I have experienced many different types of people in my years at my job. The client type that I have the most difficulty engaging with is the type that feels that they have control over what everyone does around them. A peer cannot choose what to do because the client doesn't want to choose something.

Now, I have nothing against someone deciding that they do not want to do something during my sessions. I champion personal choice in my sessions for my clients. If a client opts not to engage, that is fine with me as long as they are safe and say "no, thank you." No problem, and thank you for letting me know your choice.

What I have a problem with is the client who doesn't want ANYONE to do anything other than what that particular client wants to do. "I've decided that NO ONE is allowed to play guitar because I don't want to do anything."

My clients are individuals who have severe behaviors of concern. They have significant responses to situations that lead them into dangerous responses. This is not a population that changes easily or quickly, and they have developed patterns that are not easily understood. These patterns lead to admission in our program, and we have to figure out ways to assist our clients in developing new patterns that are less dangerous for them and for others. It is not an easy job, but we continue to do it.

I am exhausted due to a situation with one client who changed and attempted to  dictate what was happening in music therapy for everyone. It was a choice day. I started by reminding the clients in the music therapy room that everyone gets to choose for themselves. That was the start of the prolonged behavior of concern. 

Yesterday's incident was long. It was loud. It was exhausting, and my job is to keep things going for the others in the room rather than engaging with the client who is struggling. At one point, I had the first client screaming, a second one pulling the hair of a Behavioral Health Technician, and a third client crying hysterically because the nurses took the client into the room where we do blood draws. Staff members were speaking loudly, and nothing I was doing was working.

I couldn't sing. I couldn't play the guitar at a volume that could be heard. So, I put things down and took out the drums. We beat out our frustrations and emotions and nerves about the situation that was happening outside of our therapy circle. By the end of the session, we were all calmer. We all walked out of the session without having to be assisted out. After the session was over, I went into my office space and just stared into the abyss.

Lately, I have been thinking about how much trauma is involved in doing the job that I do at my facility. It is wearing on a body and a soul after time, and we don't really talk about the personal costs that happen when you dedicate your life to working with people who are aggressive and loud and difficult to engage with. It is not easy, but it is what I choose to do.

Right now, I am exhausted. I know that it is due to the one client who had such a large and loud response to a simple suggestion from me, but that doesn't help the fact that I am exhausted. We have nine days left before I get two weeks off. I am having to host family members during my first week off. I have to have a medical procedure which may lead to surgery, so in addition to readying my house for company, I am also dealing with my medical anxiety. I am hoping that the procedure will be quick and easy, but I am also preparing for the surgery alternative. I have nineteen sessions left before the end of my therapy year. I have a graduation ceremony to provide music for, and then I have a photo booth to run for the end of the school year carnival. The last two days of the school year will be non-therapy days. So, five more therapy days before the end of the year. (That particular client has two more sessions.)

I can do five more therapy days. I can do nineteen more sessions. I can also keep doing this job for the rest of my tenure with my school district. Thirteen months and a couple of weeks left before I retire. Not that I'm counting, but I am. Especially after yesterday.

Time to get myself together enough to head to work. I am contemplating a trip for fast food - I did it yesterday, but I think I might need it again today. Anyway, four groups today and then five tomorrow...

Approaching the next hurdle cautiously, but still moving forward.

Happy Tuesday.


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