Thursday Thoughts

I lost my badge and office keys somewhere between the administration hallway and my car yesterday. This is bad because it is somewhere where I do not have it. This is good because there is a small place where it can be, and I hope that I can find it and regain access to the building. Ah, the stresses that happen when you drop things. I am hoping that I will find them once I get to work, but if I can't find them outside, then I have to go get a new badge, put in a request to have my office and storage spaces rekeyed, and way too much hoopla for the day before the Holiday Sing. I feel ashamed about all of this because it just is not something that should be happening. 

I feel stupid. 

Yuck. I don't like this feeling. Something so little just throws me into a struggle cycle.

There is so much that happens all the time that goes perfectly fine - I was able to get through physical behavior management training without associated pain, so that's a good thing, but losing my keys has just overshadowed everything else. I tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive. Yesterday's groups went fine, and I have five groups and a holiday sing before the end of the work week, but this interrupts what is going on in my regulated life, so everything just fizzles.

This is not a unsurmountable issue. It really isn't. At the worst, I will be out $10 for a replacement badge, but I anticipate that someone found my keys and my badges and turned them into the front desk. I am just steeping in my disgust with myself. Ah, this has been a season for such ideas and experiences.

I have had two near deer experiences this week. On Monday, I clipped the deer's back leg as it darted out in front of me out of the fog. That is the closest I have ever come to hitting one. On Tuesday, the encounter was not close, but it shook me up again. I made it work yesterday without seeing any deer, but I know they are out there, lurking. I have a suspicion that a deer would total my car completely. My tin foil car against a panicked deer? Of course my car would not win in that situation. So, I am going to take extra precautions to not get into that situation. Any deer I see will get as much space as possible for as long as possible.

There is not much else happening right now. My hands are rough and gross due to the change of seasons. The skin is peeling on my hands and feet - thanks, Dad, for that particular DNA-based trait. It's great! I think I will get breakfast this morning and go into work later so I can see if my badge got turned in at the front desk. Then, four groups and a meeting with the clinical team before I head back here.

I also need to finish my lyric sheet for the Sing tomorrow, get my spaces cleaned up, and prepare for the last week of school before break. We get to work an entire therapy group week (Monday-Thursday), so I have to have 60 minutes of programming for all clients while we all get excited about break. I've done it before, but this is always the hardest part of the year. We have clients who know that they will be going home for the holidays. We have clients who know that they will not be going home for the holidays. We have clients who what what other clients are going to be doing, so the jealousy and anger is the highest of the year. This means that it is difficult to keep them from acting out in the ways that they choose - usually aggression and property destruction. The way I have to do music therapy during this time of year is different from what I do all other times.

Now is the time when structure is more important than ever.

Not just for my clients, you know. Structure is important for me as well. That is probably why I am taking the key dropping situation so hard. This shatters my structure for a bit. It will not last long, but it is something that I have to shore up before I can feel relaxed again. It might happen with little to no ripples, but that hasn't been my experiences lately, so I am prepared to go through all the steps that I have to take to get my structure back. When I have the structure that I need to feel comfortable, then I can help my clients find their own. If I can't then, how can I expect my students to be able to do the same thing?

Blech.

I don't like this type of post, but it is part of what happens in my life. There are times when this job and profession are the best ever, but there are just as many times when this job and profession are not at all what I wanted for myself. Fortunately, I still love what I do, so there is so much impetus to continue my clinical job.

Time for breakfast and trip in the dark where I search for my badges and keys in the early morning chill. It will all be fine - like I said, at the most, it is a $10 fine and a new set of badges, but it is just something else to do before I can get to what I need and want to do.

Okay, here I go.