Sentimental Sunday: Post #2281 - September 16, 2019

I woke up a bit later than I usually do (for the second day in a row), and I started my blogging routine after checking email and fiddling around with social media and all that. Going to my blog archive and starting up the random number generator is just something that I enjoy, so it was fun to get started with all of this today.

The random number generator spat out the number #2281. This led me to a post from September 16, 2019, titled "What Do I Really Want?" I always find it interesting to see what I was thinking back when. This one is a good reminder of things that I am working on right now.

My word for 2019 was "courage."

I selected a second word as well; "renewal."

This post is a bit of a revealing discourse about me and some of my attitudes towards things that happen in the music therapy world and things that happen in my own life. I tend to go into periods of reflection and self-recrimination, and this seems to be me on the verge of this thing. As always, this post does not come to an end - I left it open-ended as I took this idea of what I wanted to my journal and to some deeper thinking.

My weekly explorations into music therapy thought and personal opinion building help me to navigate all sorts of situations. Four years ago, I was feeling called into music therapy consulting for other music therapists. I still have that as a dream, but my plans got very interrupted by Covid - like everything else and everyone else in the world, so I feel a bit guilty about complaining about it and using it as an excuse, but that's what's happening... Retirement is happening in two and a half years for me, so I am getting to the point where plans need to be made for my transition. I would like to have enough of something going on before I retire so I can retire smoothly with my pension and my part-time jobs happening. I just want my part-time jobs to have something to do with music therapy because I love this job and this profession.

The funniest paragraph for me in this post is the one that starts with "My sister has decided that she will be retiring in seven more years - something to do with the California teacher's pension. She has decided that I will retire as well." That made me chuckle out loud because nothing has really changed. (Kiss, Kabe!)

I like the part about finding renewal through examination, evaluation, planning, attempting things, and reevaluation. This is my usual pattern - lots of thought without just jumping in.

My word for this year is "play." I am trying to give myself a break from the constant grind of self-improvement and drive in order to just find joy in things. I am playing in my junk journal. I have started my theme for my regular planner again - The Clone Wars. I am trying things through online classes. I will be only taking opportunities that sound like fun to me this year. I will generate my own fun as well.

As I have been traveling through this first month of 2024, I have been engaging in most of the techniques I mentioned two paragraphs above. I find this type of process fun, but it is also my downfall because I tend to get into those patterns of self-doubt and self-recrimination (again). So, when I get into the pattern of using my goblins (should/would/could), I have to walk away. I am focusing on making things for other music therapists - I find generating forms and making tools and visual aids very fun, so it fits in well with my word of the year.

This type of nostalgic post helps me figure out what I have gained and what I still am challenged by. I like knowing that I have a record of my thoughts and life circumstances in this blog, and I also feel the need to revisit these posts every so often to remind myself of where I have been and where I have managed to go in my journey through life.

So, 2019-me, here's what's going on right now. I am still trying to figure out what I want to do and where I want to do it. Life at work has been compounded by some additional injuries, including gallbladder removal (that comes in about six weeks, and you will NOT be ready for it!), two hand injuries, and really bad slipped discs and sciatica rearing their very ugly heads. I am hoping to make it to retirement, but my body is not as agile as it was back in 2019. I am still the very opinionated and rant-filled person that I was back then - that has not changed. You still have significant family changes to weather as well as a global pandemic which will change everyone forever. As I look back at this time of my existence, I find that so much has happened in the subsequent four years that it just makes me cry a bit. Well, it makes me cry lots - that's something else that has happened in the past couple of years - LOTS of hormonal changes that lead me into crying over everything all the time! 

ANYWAY...

I am getting ready to go to Sunday School and church. I am hoping that I will get to a movie this afternoon. Soul is in our theater, and it was the movie that came out on Christmas Day 2020 when I had to say goodbye to my cat. This movie is correlated with grief for me because it was released on Bella's death, two weeks before my Dad died. Movie theaters were closed at that point, so I watched the movie in my apartment without my kitty companion and as my father told us that grief was coming for us all. I have watched the movie since, and I always have a momentary twinge of grief, but then I go on. I think I will go see that movie this afternoon. After that, I need to brave the primetime shopping hours and get some groceries before the next round of winter weather comes in. This round will include ice, so I will probably not go into work if there is an inclement weather day. That is tomorrow Mary Jane's situation, though. Today, the sun is fighting to be seen through the clouds, and I am getting ready to head out into the world. See you tomorrow??